Knocking on 25’s Door

For those celebrating anniversaries and anti-versaries in the past month (many of us), I salute each and everyone of you. Congratulations, you’ve made it this far and haven’t been arrested! ūüėČ

I leave for an anniversary trip to Bermuda this¬†Sunday. We will ring in 25 years married (technically), yet it’s more like 22 based on our past.

My husband had to remove his wedding ring the other week due to a hand injury. It was sitting in my jewelry box and one day I decided to drop it off at the jeweler’s and have it buffed and shined.

I was going to give it to him on our trip‚Ķvery symbolic, right? Well, donchyaknow‚Ķthe stinker wanted to put the ring back on today! He ruined my surprise, but was really touched by my thoughtfulness ūüôā And even more so, I was really happy that he remembered it and wanted to put it on today.

The past few weeks have been good. He was away for five days last week and I missed him, but I was actually OKAY. I wasn’t paranoid or needy. I was busy. Went to see son #2 up at college for parents’ weekend. My husband’s trip wasn’t a work thing, so that definitely had something to do with it. But, I felt fine.

Frankly, I’m rather surprised at my sense of “well-being”. Is it real? Or am I waiting for the shoe to drop? Who knows‚Ķonly time knows.

A Year Ago Today

My husband had intercourse with the Evil Bitch a year ago today.

I know this specifically because he wrote it in a letter to me last November. His timeline of his affair.

Was it the first time they had sex? No. You see, to a woman, sex is defined by any sexual touch. To men, sex is defined by intercourse. I don’t know the specific date they had “sex” – he doesn’t recall. After all, it was “dozens of times” (they touched, kissed and other things). Yeah, that makes me feel so much better…

Therefore, it was more than one year ago he had “sex” with her in my mind.

How do I feel today? What am I doing?

Well, I feel distant about it. Not really hurting horribly. I guess a bit numb. Time helps. Our progress in healing has helped. My attitude helps.

Do I still want to rip every hair out of her head and break her teeth? Youbetcha!

Where is my husband today? Well, he’s on his way to a big college football (American football) game with his brother. He won’t be home until late tonight. Tailgating is a sport in itself around here.

Does my husband have any idea what day is today and what it means? Probably not.

However, he¬†is very aware how many days it is until we leave for Bermuda. He has been counting those days down since two+ weeks ago. I’m happy about that. It makes me feel loved and hopeful.

So, instead of wallowing in any self pity, I’ve got plans to get myself out of the house.

First, mani/pedi – it’s time for some dark nails to ring in the autumn weather! After that, my girlfriend and I will walk around a nearby town’s cheese festival (yes, it is festival season, after all). Then, I will take my oldest son out for a great dinner. And then, at the end of the night, I’ll probably watch some soppy chick flick and ball my eyes out as an excuse to let it all out.

Will I throw the date in my husband’s face? No. I won’t mention it. It’s one of the many wounds I will carry for the rest of my days.

So, chin up, getting my ass up and starting my day.

Happy September 13th, everyone…

What we are willing to do…

Well, girlfriends, a lot has gone down in the past few days since my Q&A the other night.

Since last Thursday night, things were okay with us. Just okay. Saturday morning, I was contemplating something. I took a shower, my husband was waiting on the bed when I got out and I asked him if we could go to his office. He wanted to know why. I told him that I wanted to see everything, visualize where he worked and be “with” him to eradicate every living memory of her.

His response (like it will be a shock to all of you)? He didn’t think it would be a good idea. That I will start to doubt more about him and it will put us¬†right back to square one and undo all our healing so far. He then said, “But, if you think it will help you, I’ll do it. I just don’t think it will.”

I finished getting dressed and as I was putting on my make-up, I thought twice. I had doubt. I was scared. I went to him and said that I changed my mind. Clearly, he wasn’t okay with it and let’s just forget about it. He said, “Oh no, you want to do it. If we don’t, you’ll never believe¬†me. We are going! But, I think all you want to do is humiliate me more.” I stopped him, and said, “Let me be clear of¬†my intentions. It is not to humiliate you. If I wanted to do that, I would have walked into your office on 10/15/13 and pulled every fucking hair out of her head in front of everyone and then I would have divorced your ass! What I wanted to do is replace every sexual memory of her. I need to do that. I need to be the only woman you¬†think of and desire.” I basically wanted to fuck his brains out all over that damn place. And go outside, in the back of his building where this is a lake with a water fall and do it there, too (because that is where they first kissed/touched each other – isn’t that fucking romantic?). He didn’t get it. He didn’t understand.

That set him off a bit. He still debated and said that it’s not a good idea. He said it’s going to become a tit for tat. I said that I believe he is still punishing me for my past and that his “CHOICE” to remain at that job is his way of doing it. I was crying at this point. I continued to said that I will regret my affair for the rest of my life. He then asked me¬†if I loved him (my AP). I said I thought I did. He said, “Well, I didn’t – it was just sex. Yet, you will never believe me.” He then asked me how many times did I have sex with my AP. My reply was, “More than I can remember.” (I seriously can’t remember, it was over almost 2 years long affair with trips to the UK and his to the US. We saw each other on probably 8 occasions, total during that time. Anyway, I digress). He then said, “Once for me. Just once!” I then challenged and asked, “But how many times were you intimate with her? Touching with your mouth and hers?” He said, “Dozens!” [OUCH] He recognized that intercourse vs. intimacy is different for both men and women. He said that he read that in “my” book. [Again, another zinger about my request for him to read a fucking book!].

I said again that I was shocked at his perception of our marriage last year and how it was completely opposite of mine. I said that I knew we were in a rut and that we weren’t communicating. Our sex life sucked. But, I never contemplated divorce. I said back to him that in my mind, he had an affair as a way out of the marriage, that I would want a divorce and I think that’s what he wanted. He said I was wrong but, I’ll never believe him so what does it matter?

I cried some more and composed myself. He wasn’t consoling me at all. He was deflecting and being defensive. I turned around and said that I didn’t want to go, not now, not like this. Instead, we went to do some shopping.

I just flipped a switch in my brain. I saw where this would go. My demands, his retreat and our eventual demise. 

On the way back, I made him turn into the park right before our street and stop the car. This is the same park where I read his text of admission on 10/14/13 and where I tried calling him. Fond memories…how apropos, right?

I turned to him and said, “Look, I’m willing to forget last year and move passed it. I’m willing to start fresh and anew for our marriage. What are you will to do for our marriage?

He was a bit dumbfounded for a second, and in exasperation he said, “Well, I guess I’m going to have to find another job. It’s what you want me to do so that’s what I have to do, I guess.” I didn’t say anything. I let that statement hang in the air. He immediately pulled the car out and we went home.

I got out of the car and put on a brave face. The switch had to be flipped. I had to start that day. I knew it. I felt it.

A little later I hugged him and said softly that I didn’t really want him to find a new job. I know how much he loves his job. He replied softly in my ear, “Liar. Of course you want me to get a new job.” It was endearing and meant without anger or malice. It was a turning point. I¬†don’t know if he was/is serious about finding another job. I hope so. And I guess that’s the real key word here: HOPE.¬†

I hope…