Another tragedy…

My story of betrayal started October 14, 2013…

Sad to say that this is ANOTHER tragic story, isn’t it? There are TOO MANY of these today!

I’m embarking on a journey of blogging to help myself get through the pain and discover a stronger, smarter and happier woman in the process.

I am not a writer, but I am a fan of a well-turned phrase or two. I hope I can entertain, inform, move, inspire those reading this. I may anger (I know I will) some of you with my words, but I hope I also find solace and compassion from some of you.

My story (or should I say recent chapter?) began in October of last year. I was preparing to upgrade my mobile phone and started to look at the cell phone bills online to find out if my family plan was still within the acceptable use range. What I discovered was that my husband’s text message counts were in competing with my one son’s! I didn’t dig at that point, but made a comment to him (referred to as J) telling him that he may usurp our son (K) of the text king in the house. Chuckle, chuckle…no further comment.

Well, I guess a little sleep and continued subconscious thoughts worked their magic because the next morning I decided to dig and I discovered one phone number to be the primary to/from text parter. WTF? (By the way, I like to curse, but will try to curb that here…) By 10am I was worried, but still so f’ing naive to think it was something more.

So, on 10/11/13 at 11:14am, I texted J and asked if he had a crush on the one woman he works with (he’s the manager and she works for him, btw). I left for my workout. No word from him until 1:43pm where he said he was going to call but decided to text because he can get his thoughts straight. He said that he would answer the question within the question and did I have anything to worry about? NO, did he text a ridiculous amount, YES and bunch of other bullshit.

I was frozen and still had that impending doom feeling that this was not the truth. I went home and went to bed. I said I wasn’t feeling well to the boys and I just started digging more online in the phone bill. The obsession to find out was firmly planted. I was a bit numb. I was in denial, along with his blatant declarations.

We texted back and forth for the remainder of the day and when he finally came home, we hugged, I teared up (not wanting to cry in front of the boys) and tip toed around the issue.

He was angry at me! and I knew why…why he did this and why he now threw it in my face…

You see, there is more to this story — an earlier chapter — that plays a major part in this tragedy.  I cheated on him many years ago with two men. (This is where I wait silently for the ridicule). It was in 1998-2000. I met two men online. Developed a friendship with the first one, which blossomed into a brief but poignant affair later that year. The second man I was instantly attracted to online and also happened during that time with the first. They were both from the UK and were younger than I. The first man was unmarried, yet the second was married and father of a young boy, same age as my first son.

In early September of 2000, upon my return from a trip to the UK, J confronted me and knew I was having an affair. I think he got into my computer somehow and he just blew up, screamed, was almost physical with me for hours. I was scared and was shocked he gave a shit, to be honest. For over two years, I was emotionally removed from my marriage. I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring, and I was playing with fire. I was so unhappy and looking for love in all the wrong places. Under financial stress, parental challenges (oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD) and his detachment from me became the perfect recipe for me to escape and find trouble. And I did.

What happened after his own D-day of September 2000? I begged for his forgiveness, yet I was still in love with my AP#2 (referred to as L). I was confused and couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw, heard and felt my husband’s love. I hadn’t seen it given to me in years and was shocked. J gave me compassion (not forgiveness right away). He said that he would always love me even if I chose to leave. Yes, I contemplated leaving my marriage, home and two beautiful children at that time. You’ve all heard about the “affair fog”? Well, it was pea soup for me. I was stupid, immature and confused. Weeks and months went on and J still showed me love, a renewed chemistry and compassion. He told me one night in bed that I could take any money in our savings and use it to start a new life if I wanted. I cried and cried in his arms, saying over and over how sorry I was for hurting him and could’t believe how good he was being to me. That was the beginning of his forgiveness, I suppose…The problem that I still was contributing to was that I still was in love with L and had to break it off.

We went on a trip to NC for a cousin’s wedding that November and reignited our own love affair. It was magical. Our sex life was hot! He treated me like a woman and I treated him like a man. At some point during that timeframe, I told him that I chose to stay with him, to rebuild our marriage and to break it off with L. It took me time to ween myself away of L because it was a pretty powerful addiction (that’s what it was…to some degree). At this point in my life, at age 35, I fell in love with my husband for a second time.

I’ll write more and continue my stories..but right now I have to go to work!