Happiness

Today is my 50th birthday. No one is home, either at work or shopping. The house is decorated for Christmas with fairy lights everywhere. Music is swirling around the kitchen. I just made 6 dozen cookies and poured myself a glass of Pinot Noir. 
…and I just realized that I’m happy. 

I don’t want to wake up. 

Figuring out how to get through the tough days

Well, it’s that time of year where the dates of infidelity hit me where my heart was…

How am I doing? I’m doing great, to be honest. Not perfect, but great!

It will be two years October 10, 11 & 14 (suspicion/investigation, questioning/denial, confrontation/truth) since him coming clean. Happy Anti-versary for us October BSers! Yeah! Oh, it’s also the month of my actual wedding anniversary – ha! The irony! It’s a bitch, isn’t it?

Yesterday, I found myself thinking of the upcoming weeks and digging into the timeline of my husband’s infidelity, as well as remembering my timeline of my own infidelity. Just a year ago, it would have sucked me into a vortex of pain.

I didn’t want to go “there” so I did something positive. While on an exhausting conference call yesterday, I started browsing family photos on my Mac. I looked back to when our boys were little ones and all our family vacations that happened post my infidelity. I realized that all those wonderful memories of being a family wouldn’t have been possible if I left my marriage then. It brought me great joy to look at all those photos and knowing that my husband’s forgiveness and ability to move past my infidelity was a gift. Can I do that for him? I think so, I hope so, I’m trying!

It helped me. I realized I didn’t hurt so much yesterday and I look forward to our future. I found a coping mechanism that pours in light instead of darkness.

Yes, he still works with the OW. Yes, I still want to rip her fucking hair out. Yes, I am still vigilant in my awareness. It’s just how it is for now. It won’t be forever (their working together). I have faith that a change will happen that will help me feel secure in his work situation.

It does get easier. Hopefully it gets better and better. I have faith in that.

As Paula said, I’m a romantic realist. I think that’s true. It’s my life and I choose what I want. I have the power. I’m getting stronger. I’m finding happiness and ways to get through the tough days…x

Happy Anniversary (Blog) to Moi!

One year ago, people — one year ago I decided to write about the shit my life was in! In many ways, it helped keep my sane. In other ways, I questioned it!

It honestly seems longer than one year. I am happy I wrote down “my calendar of emotions!” I really am. It helps me remember key points and turning points in my life. I have a habit of forgetting some of those (self-preservation? damn straight), so the chronicle of the events help.

Quick life update: another 2+ weeks in my cast to go. I am seriously going stir crazy! Remodel project is more than half way through! I’ll post photos soon, I promise! Marriage is going well. There are dry spells in communication, but I’m chalking it up to stress of life (broken ankle, loss of job and remodel). When I would get too “into my head” I would get up and go for a fast walk to work it out of my system. I can’t do that and it’s definitely affecting me! Yesterday, I was a bit blue. J sensed it and asked what was wrong, but I didn’t want to get into anything. I just didn’t have the energy. I can’t wait to get this friggin cast off! Today, I woke up in a better mood.

I promise it does get better. Whatever the decision you’ve made (flight or fight / stay or go), it HAS to get better!

I hope 2015 is awesome for not only me, but YOU, too!

xxoo

Could Be Worse

It could be worse.

I broke my ankle two weeks ago.

Laid off on Tuesday after 15 years.

Kids in college with huge tuitions.

High health insurance premiums.

It could be worse. Not really that upset. Not even close.

Discovering infidelity a million times worse!

Keeping everything in perspective 😉

The Color Purple

So, my holidays were nice. My birthday was a few days before Christmas and I received from J a gorgeous diamond heart pendant necklace and heart lock and key charm for my silver bracelet. But, the best part of the gift was my birthday card from him where he really expressed some wonderful feelings and love. THAT was THE gift, in my eyes. Oh, I love the jewelry, don’t get me wrong 😉

We both had two weeks off for Christmas and New Year’s and were planning on really getting the house prepped for the big kitchen and bath remodel (slated to start on January 2nd). Well, those best laid plans really got screwed when I missed one step and broke my ankle!

Yup, I broke it and have been lying with my leg up and iced for over a week and going absolutely ape-shit crazy!

I have a lovely cast on and it’s PURPLE. I find out tomorrow with a second set of X-rays if I require surgery or not. Fingers crossed!

And typical, when it rains it pours, the remodeling/demo started last Friday and my house is a fucking war zone! Can’t cook, can’t move, sneezing from all the dust, house freezing because of all the demo, head pounding due to all the pounding but, but, but… It’s pretty awesome at the same time. Just to see my vision start to take shape into some reality (one expensive mother f’ing reality!).

I just have to LET IT GO…let the mess go, let my hair go, let me without make-up go, let me in yoga pants each and every day go, let the stress goooooooooooo!

So, how do I fill my days? Well, I read, I work (thank goodness for telecommuting and laptops), and I direct from the sofa or my bed. My house is filled with more men than I would EVER want. My family + 3–6 contractors. Yeah, lots of compassion for me (oh the little lady has a bum ankle…etc., etc.) and I’m milking every moment of it!

I still read some of the blogs and feel for each and every one of the new member’s anguish, their dealing with the holidays and all that pain brings.

So, you’ll ask how am “I” doing? The answer:  actually okay!

I just don’t have time to obsess over his infidelity much. I just don’t give a shit about Evil Bitch. Do I still wish her warts, hair loss, weight gain and her teeth to fall out? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! But, it’s not on the front burner of my mindset these days. Hasn’t been for awhile.

How has my husband been you ask? WONDERFUL. He has taken care of me like a knight/superman. He’s back at work and still takes care of me at night. Poor guy! But, I figure I’m worth it 😉

So, folks, I’m doing okay despite all the craziness of my current life!

But, I do think about all of you, my friends here and hope you are all doing well!? For those that don’t post as much, I catch up with your comments when I can. For the new ladies to this shitty sisterhood, I have some hopes for you in this new year:

  • Patience
  • Self-love
  • Self-confidence
  • Respect
  • and most importantly…TRUST

xxoo,

Tempted

So far, so good!

Nothing major to report, peeps! So far, so good.

We are getting along.

Only one trigger in a while and that was last Saturday. Was a funk for most of the day, but I eventually got over it and the next day was great.

Prepping for the kitchen and bath remodel right after the holidays and son #2 comes home from college this weekend (damn, now I have to shop and cook more – can’t wait! haha).

Just letting you all know that I’m doing fine. We are doing fine and that the further I go, the less obsessive I am.

Hugs and love to all! Please check in and let me know you are still kickin’

xxoo

An Answer

So, remember the question I asked my husband last Saturday night?

The one where I asked what does he want out of this marriage?

I got an answer.

The other night he came up to me, hugged and kissed me and said he was ready to answer my question. My heart started pounding. I wasn’t expecting him to bring it up at all. I wasn’t sulking for an answer either (shocker!).

He said, “‘This‘ is what I want out of our marriage. Just being happy and loving toward one another. Whether it’s sitting on the couch watching TV, going out, traveling, whatever. I just want us to be happy.”

That melted my heart but it’s still guarded. I didn’t want to throw “What about looking for and getting a new job?” I was just happy he came forward and answered the question to some degree.

I look at it as a small step he’s made. We shall see if there is another step after this one…