Happy Anniversary (Blog) to Moi!

One year ago, people — one year ago I decided to write about the shit my life was in! In many ways, it helped keep my sane. In other ways, I questioned it!

It honestly seems longer than one year. I am happy I wrote down “my calendar of emotions!” I really am. It helps me remember key points and turning points in my life. I have a habit of forgetting some of those (self-preservation? damn straight), so the chronicle of the events help.

Quick life update: another 2+ weeks in my cast to go. I am seriously going stir crazy! Remodel project is more than half way through! I’ll post photos soon, I promise! Marriage is going well. There are dry spells in communication, but I’m chalking it up to stress of life (broken ankle, loss of job and remodel). When I would get too “into my head” I would get up and go for a fast walk to work it out of my system. I can’t do that and it’s definitely affecting me! Yesterday, I was a bit blue. J sensed it and asked what was wrong, but I didn’t want to get into anything. I just didn’t have the energy. I can’t wait to get this friggin cast off! Today, I woke up in a better mood.

I promise it does get better. Whatever the decision you’ve made (flight or fight / stay or go), it HAS to get better!

I hope 2015 is awesome for not only me, but YOU, too!

xxoo

The Color Purple

So, my holidays were nice. My birthday was a few days before Christmas and I received from J a gorgeous diamond heart pendant necklace and heart lock and key charm for my silver bracelet. But, the best part of the gift was my birthday card from him where he really expressed some wonderful feelings and love. THAT was THE gift, in my eyes. Oh, I love the jewelry, don’t get me wrong 😉

We both had two weeks off for Christmas and New Year’s and were planning on really getting the house prepped for the big kitchen and bath remodel (slated to start on January 2nd). Well, those best laid plans really got screwed when I missed one step and broke my ankle!

Yup, I broke it and have been lying with my leg up and iced for over a week and going absolutely ape-shit crazy!

I have a lovely cast on and it’s PURPLE. I find out tomorrow with a second set of X-rays if I require surgery or not. Fingers crossed!

And typical, when it rains it pours, the remodeling/demo started last Friday and my house is a fucking war zone! Can’t cook, can’t move, sneezing from all the dust, house freezing because of all the demo, head pounding due to all the pounding but, but, but… It’s pretty awesome at the same time. Just to see my vision start to take shape into some reality (one expensive mother f’ing reality!).

I just have to LET IT GO…let the mess go, let my hair go, let me without make-up go, let me in yoga pants each and every day go, let the stress goooooooooooo!

So, how do I fill my days? Well, I read, I work (thank goodness for telecommuting and laptops), and I direct from the sofa or my bed. My house is filled with more men than I would EVER want. My family + 3–6 contractors. Yeah, lots of compassion for me (oh the little lady has a bum ankle…etc., etc.) and I’m milking every moment of it!

I still read some of the blogs and feel for each and every one of the new member’s anguish, their dealing with the holidays and all that pain brings.

So, you’ll ask how am “I” doing? The answer:  actually okay!

I just don’t have time to obsess over his infidelity much. I just don’t give a shit about Evil Bitch. Do I still wish her warts, hair loss, weight gain and her teeth to fall out? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! But, it’s not on the front burner of my mindset these days. Hasn’t been for awhile.

How has my husband been you ask? WONDERFUL. He has taken care of me like a knight/superman. He’s back at work and still takes care of me at night. Poor guy! But, I figure I’m worth it 😉

So, folks, I’m doing okay despite all the craziness of my current life!

But, I do think about all of you, my friends here and hope you are all doing well!? For those that don’t post as much, I catch up with your comments when I can. For the new ladies to this shitty sisterhood, I have some hopes for you in this new year:

  • Patience
  • Self-love
  • Self-confidence
  • Respect
  • and most importantly…TRUST

xxoo,

Tempted

So far, so good!

Nothing major to report, peeps! So far, so good.

We are getting along.

Only one trigger in a while and that was last Saturday. Was a funk for most of the day, but I eventually got over it and the next day was great.

Prepping for the kitchen and bath remodel right after the holidays and son #2 comes home from college this weekend (damn, now I have to shop and cook more – can’t wait! haha).

Just letting you all know that I’m doing fine. We are doing fine and that the further I go, the less obsessive I am.

Hugs and love to all! Please check in and let me know you are still kickin’

xxoo

An Answer

So, remember the question I asked my husband last Saturday night?

The one where I asked what does he want out of this marriage?

I got an answer.

The other night he came up to me, hugged and kissed me and said he was ready to answer my question. My heart started pounding. I wasn’t expecting him to bring it up at all. I wasn’t sulking for an answer either (shocker!).

He said, “‘This‘ is what I want out of our marriage. Just being happy and loving toward one another. Whether it’s sitting on the couch watching TV, going out, traveling, whatever. I just want us to be happy.”

That melted my heart but it’s still guarded. I didn’t want to throw “What about looking for and getting a new job?” I was just happy he came forward and answered the question to some degree.

I look at it as a small step he’s made. We shall see if there is another step after this one…

I couldn’t have stopped it

Stop, in the name of love

Stop, in the name of love

So, the weekend before last, lying in bed before turning the light out I had one of those friggin’ Oprah “Uh-huh” moments. It hit me right in the face. They don’t happen often and especially since his affair, I can’t remember shit! (Advanced apologies…this will be filled with curse words).

Let me back up a bit.

That day was spent backing up my old phone in preparation of getting the new iPhone (yes, I’m back to an iPhone and it should behave a lot better than the S5).

I had gotten to the realization that the new phone would not be my “Dday” phone, but my Dday+1 year phone. Meaning, I wasn’t going to port over all my old messages to the new phone and still live in the past. Nope, wasn’t going to do it. So, I backed up (in multiple ways, just in case) the messages of denial and then admission and then love and recovery for the past 12 months. There were a lot between my husband and I! Definitely more than what he had texted with EB (Evil Bitch for you new comers).

So, after backing up, I took a stroll down memory lane and read the before Dday texts. I started to place more of my mental timeline together. Things were falling into the cracks and it was making more sense.

Fast forward to bedtime, and it hit me. There wasn’t anything I could have done to prevent him having the affair and fucking her! Yeah…I know, I know!!!! But, here me out.

Case in point, The night before he fucked her, we made love and he gave me a hickey (sorry, TMI, but what the hell…). Yeah, that hadn’t happened in a long time. I don’t recall it (the sex) being extra wonderful, but it was good enough for a hickey. Hell, he could have been imagining her for all I know!

I thought back on other dates and I really think he was so messed up that he was determined to fuck her. Their texting was in a frenzy leading up to that day and at this point, if I showed up naked at his office door, he would have pushed me aside and fucked her instead.

So, that night, lying in bed, I got real quiet. It was an epiphany. He asked what was up and I told him that I realized no matter what, he was going to cheat. I couldn’t have prevented it. I told him that we made love the night before. I was powerless and didn’t even know it.

What did he say? NOT A FUCKING THING. Crickets had more to say than this husband of mine.

In a weird way, it was rather freeing. For 12 months I blamed myself for part of the affair. For being “distant” at times, blah, blah, fucking blah….

Not anymore. His mind and his dick were made up. And it’s ALL on him and not me! Not that part of the relationship. I’ll own my dissatisfaction with the marriage back then, but not his affair.

Anyway, I thought I’d share that fact and see if any of you felt the same way?

Dday here and gone

So, everyone, I survived Dday.

Shocker…I know!

Things are going well. He seems to really love me, and I him. But, I still have doubts. I’m sure he does, too.

This week sucked because October 14th was Dday. But, it didn’t suck as bad as I thought.

Guess I am doing better than I ever imagined? Who the hell knows?

He was good, attentive and loving. I thanked him for being great this week and he had to ask why. Sigh…I chalk it up to being a guy. Either he was playing coy or he was guy-clueless. Whatever.

I have lingering doubts about some things and I’m writing them down so I’m not such a coward to admit them:

  1. Why hasn’t he looked for a job? [Biggest doubt, most painful and important]
  2. What do they talk about at work?
  3. Does he still like her?
  4. Why hasn’t she found a new job?
  5. Communication: Our conversations often seem one-sided. He talks about his stuff and I listen really well. I’m really interested. I love him. But, when it comes to my stuff, he seems to “check out” and not really listen. That hurts, to be honest.

I don’t know. There are times I don’t respond to his texts right away. Just being pissy at times, because I don’t want to be too available/desperate. Weird, I know––immature, I know…

We signed the remodeling contract and that is also a small doubt in my mind. When it’s complete, will he decide we aren’t working out? Him thinking that I’m finally getting the kitchen and bath done, I’ll be happy with that and it will be a good time for him to leave?

Like I said, just lingering doubts. I’m sure we all have them.

Have I forgiven him? No, not yet. Not sure it will ever get to that. I hope so, but I’m not jumping too fast to forgive when I still have Doubt #1!

Anyway, that’s all for now. Hope all of you are doing well xoxo

Wedding Anniversary…check! Dday Antiversary…gulp!

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So, I am back from a fun filled trip to Bermuda with my groom of 25 years. It was awesome! Just what we needed!

Only a few hiccups and triggered thoughts, but otherwise, I refused to let his affair ruin our trip – so it didn’t!

I’m writing this as I’m drinking my freshly squeezed veggie cocktail. I’m on the detox train to healthy living. Needed it after last week’s pinot noir, rum and ice vodka haze! Damn, it was fun!

We rented scooters and popped around the island like professionals (in other words, we didn’t crash or die – haha). We jet skied, snorkeled and drank our way around the island.

Yeah, just what the doctor ordered! Wish we were still there!

So, Monday was our actual anniversary. Our first day home, spent  unpacking. It was nice, but I was a little timid to be honest.

I gave him a card in the morning and waited…waited…waited for something (just wanted a card) from him! He left his card on my pillow so I saw it when we went to bed. I was rather hurt by that. Why make me wonder and wait? I didn’t get a card for Valentine’s Day (yeah, I know…I know!). But, I was hoping I would get one for our big anniversary. His card was lovely and what he said was wonderful. But…I felt a bit hurt. What was I expecting? Diamond stud earrings? No, but something more than a sneak card…

So, in bed I expressed my disappointment. I thanked him for the card, but wasn’t sure I was going to get one. He apologized and then in the morning, apologized again. We both made a truce and said that we didn’t want that issue to tarnish such a great week. Brave face in the morning, feeling better and went back to work (boooooo).

Here’s a list of positives and negatives from the week:

Positives:

We had a lot of great sex. Yeah, I’m still smiling from it!

He hugged me, kissed me and then said that he was so happy to be in love like this. It was heartfelt and I felt it in my heart 🙂

We spent all of our time together (98%) and wanted more!

We laughed, drank and had silly moments, too.

Negatives:

Just one or two triggers for me. I really can’t think of them but they were there.

I made a comment after he mentioned he thought the cruise director was a bit stuck up. My comment was, “Yeah, she reminds me of your girlfriend.” I meant his girlfriend BEFORE me, not Evil Bitch. Well, this is the one comment that hurt him and he didn’t tell me until Monday night. He thought I meant EB, but I assured him I didn’t. So, what did he say? “Well, Julie (the cruise director’s name, I kid you not….) looks more like ‘the other one’ than does D*****.” Yeah — it was an odd moment. I went to sleep not feeling the best on our anniversary. Rather mad and had a nice visual thanks to his admission!

But, but, but…I knew it wasn’t really a big deal. It wasn’t. We spent a great week together. I didn’t want to give his failure that much weight.

So, this week’s post wedding anniversary is a strange one for me. This weekend will be his one year ago weekend of lying to my face. And next Tuesday will be Dday. I’m filled with trepidation but it’s manageable. Honestly, I’m better than I thought I would be. But, I do feel anxious. Waiting for that other shoe…

I’m not over it, yet. But, I am better. I do feel more like myself for the first time in a long time.

It’s still just one day at a time. I just wish I was sipping a Dark and Stormy on Horseshoe Bay Beach!