Second Marriage Counseling Session

We were given homework from our first session. We had to make note of instances of things that seemed better, whether actions or feelings, etc.

I wrote three things down:

1. He shared (without me having to ask) info that EB will be out for an addition 3-6 weeks due to knee surgery

2. He told me that he will not make me a fool again by cheating on me ever again

3. We had a really great conversation the other night about how amazing I think my husband’s brain is – he’s a math wiz and frankly can see patterns and shit. Anyway, it was a great chat and I felt closer to him.


It’s been a great few weeks, to be honest. Yesterday’s session started great. We both shared what we noticed as improvement. I listed my three points above. He said he could tell things are getting better because we have been getting along great. Frankly, I was disappointed in his comment. Not that I disagreed with him, I just felt a little bit cheated with his answer. I wanted more.

So, Hippy Dippy (what I call our therapist), asked what would it be like to wake up one morning and feel as though a miracle happened…what would be that miracle? Great question…and I was prepared to answer it.

My answer was that I would wake up with complete trust in him.

His answer was spot on: His miracle would be that we were getting along like we have been and that he never had an affair.

Good answer, right?

She then asked more questions that led to the topic of the Evil Bitch. I said that the last few weeks have been very peaceful because she’s been out of work (see #1 above). Hippy Dippy then asked about my miracle and said how could I get to the point of complete trust with my husband.  I said that my miracle would be if EB left her job, in fact, completely left our lives, especially his…never to be heard from again. That is my wish, that is my miracle. (those were my exact words).

But, it went a bit south after that point. He then said he thinks I’ll never trust him again. And his body language showed futility, like he was giving up. Hippy Dippy explored the topic and asked why he thought that. He said that when I would ask questions about his affair, he would be defensive and have a difficult time answering. He said he never did that to me after my affair. (Yes, we all know what a fucking saint you were, honey. You just never talked about it after and we never healed. I’m particularly to blame for that…that I know…but you have never let me forget it…and then fucked a whore at work because you were entitled and then you completely discounted my pain at your actions…constantly rub my face in it since post my Dday…). I hate when he says things like that. It sounds like he’s giving up and giving himself the right to not try and walk away. It scares me to death and pisses me off to no end! FUCK YOU, I wanted to say. I didn’t. I just shut down. I sat there, staring and thinking what I just wrote. I was seething and in pain. He noticed. He made a comment and asked why I was quiet.

I replied and said that it makes me sad to hear him say that about me not being able to trust him. I said he has a choice, the power to change the situation. But he doesn’t want to and that hurts me deeply. I wanted to say, “Am I not worth it? For you to leave your job?” But, I didn’t. I had expressed that in our last verbal fight three weeks ago and he walked out then. Reason why I didn’t ask it at that moment — I knew what the result would be.

What was a big moment was his response to that. He said that he wished she would leave the job, too. First, because that it would make me happy and feel less anxious and help me trust him again. Then said he wishes she would find another job and that this never happened. He wouldn’t miss her at all. (OK, that was a MUCH better answer…thank you).

I still was shut down, to be honest. I went to that dark place and I wasn’t coming out for awhile. My head hurt and I wanted to go home.

Hippy Dippy closed the session with some homework for next session in two weeks. She asked us what number we are on a scale of 0-10, (10 being the miracle), are we today? His answer was a 7. My answer was a 6-7. So, what instances over the next two weeks can we mark down that we think would bump up our number to the next higher number on the scale.

We left in separate cars, went home. Got ready to attend a high school variety show our youngest was performing in. In the car, my husband asked me if I wanted to talk about what was bothering me. I was still suffering from my stress headache and frankly, I was dizzy. I told him that – I needed to decompress. He then asked me to pull out a paper in his wallet. He wrote down what he thought was the homework assignment. Written there were about 5-6 text messages I’ve sent him over the last few weeks of love notes. I thought that was nice, but for some reason, I didn’t think that was creative enough. They were MY words, not his. I know they meant a lot to him. They meant a lot to me when I sent them. But, I don’t know…I just was let down a bit, to be honest. I know it’s his way of acknowledging and validating my love for him. But, it’s still not really exposing himself enough for me. I want more of him. More of his thoughts, fears and declaration of love.

I will say he didn’t express any apology in the words of “sorry” at all during the session. I guess I have to ask myself if that’s important to me to hear those words again…”I’m sorry”. He hasn’t said them more than twice. He wrote it once or twice, but saying it has been only twice. I suppose it must be important if I’m writing it here. But, is it really? Do I think he’s sorry? Yes…but there is a wall he’s built. Prideful wall and it pisses me off. More to explore at the next session, I guess…


Husband College Courses (ADULT Education)

Crazy idea, but what if there were college courses offered (online or in person) that teach our husbands to be BETTER husbands?

Some ideas for the curriculum:

1. How to listen and communicate better

2. How to date your wife

3. How to spend quality time with your wife and kids

4. Becoming financially responsible

5. You don’t need more toys

6. Choose friends that support a healthy marriage

7. How to create proper boundaries with female “co-workers”

8. The true damage of infidelity

9. Porn is addictive and harmful (just think of your daughters or sisters)

10. Your technology is like a mistress…beware

There are probably 1384373 other topics to teach. I think it would be great if it was required once the marriage hits a rough patch. Kind of like driver’s ed if you get too many tickets, or alcohol education if you are arrested for driving under the influence, etc. Remember those pre cana and premarital coaching sessions with the church?

What do you think? Sounds silly, but what if they existed? What if? 

I apologize for the snakiness, but thought some of these points made sense 😉

Blood Moon, Morning Rain, and Baby Steps

We woke up and cuddled this morning, listening to the soft rain and the birds. It was wonderful just to hold each other and slowly wake up.

Out of the blue, he asked a question: “Are you worried that you’ll get burned again?”

I had to ask him what he meant, exactly. He explained that after my affair, he was worried he’d be made a fool again.

I answered, “Yes, I am worried.” He then replied, “You don’t have to worry, it’s never going to happen. And, just so you know, I haven’t spoken with her since the last time I told you when she called in about her medical leave of absence.” That was over two weeks ago.

I asked if he missed her. He said, “As an employee, yes, but personally? No.”

I felt so uplifted and light. I told him not only does my love for him grow when he shares those thoughts with me, but so does my trust.

Baby steps, one at a time…

Marriage Counseling – First Session

So, we did it. We went together and attend our fist counseling session. The therapist is female and kind of a hippy, which is fine. We were both hopeful yet nervous.

I decided I was going to be more demure and let him answer the questions first. After all, he said he was there for me.

The therapist asked why were there. I said that we were experiencing marital problems and needed to get some help with communication. My husband then had his answer and he said, “Well, I’ll just say it, I had an affair about six months ago. And I’m here to do whatever it takes to save my marriage because I love my wife and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together.”

YES! Thank you! I think my heart swelled with hope at that moment.

I then quickly spoke up because I didn’t want him to be painted in the only negative light and said that I had committed adultery 16 years ago and had a two-year affair, which ended in 2000.

The first session was mostly a question/answer process. She was asking the mental health questions and then family history, etc.

One question that really identified the differences in our views of our marriage was: How have you been getting along? Before the affair? I answered that we were distant sexually, but loving and getting along for the most part. His answer was very different. He said that we were not getting along and he thought I didn’t want anything to do with him (sexually) and that he felt I was disappointed in him.

WOW – so, his take on our marriage was the kindling to seek friendship, flirtation and sex with another woman? That’s what I internalized, and it’s the not the first time I thought of it. He expressed this opinion when he wrote me the Why letter months ago.

I then expressed that I felt humbled by his infidelity and that I don’t think I will ever forgive myself because of my infidelity, yet I want to forgive him and that is why I am in counseling. I want to forgive. I may even forgive myself over time…

We did really well and I was really proud of both of us. I was reserved, allowing him to speak. I was proud he spoke up and expressed himself!

Next session is in two weeks. We are supposed to mentally note when things (little or big) get better between us and what was the occasion or reason for feeling better. I hope my list is long 🙂

Can an Affair Strengthen a Relationship?

Another interesting question for my friends to weigh in.

Has infidelity strengthened my relationship? Probably!

If given the choice to strengthen it because my spouse spoke up and said he wasn’t happy, feeling unloved, etc. vs. him having an affair? I’d choose him speaking up BEFORE him committing adultery, any day!

Peeps — weigh in…what do you think?

Perhaps there is hope?

Continuing with my story…

My earlier post was about this past Saturday.

I came home and took a nap. I was emotionally exhausted. I woke up later that afternoon feeling a bit better. Sleep is so good for you!

I watched a movie with my sons, “Jobs” the biopic about Steve Jobs. That was pretty good and nice to mellow out with them. My abs were so sore from my workout the day before that I could barely move (haha) and my sons were really very attentive. It was nice to blame my blue mood on my body aches.

I was waiting for a text or a call from my husband. Really not expecting one until the morning…but was hoping sooner.

I was pleasantly surprised when he sent me a text at 7:30pm that evening stating that he will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. Wow – I was stunned, and still numb. I just stared at it and took a deep breath. OK, there may be hope for this boy…

I’ve read (and maybe you have, too) that the betrayed spouse has all the power in determining if the marriage will survive or not. I think that’s bullshit. I think it’s both of us. He has as much power to say, “Fuck it, I’m not going to deal with this anymore! Goodbye.” I have the same option. We all do, technically, right?

He has the power right now because I’m in this for the long haul. He has the option to leave the marriage should he wish. I just want to move toward forgiveness, to really help our marriage heal. I have THAT power. I know that. If I don’t make progress toward forgiveness, he’ll want out. I know it, and I’m threatened by that, to be honest. I guess I have to get the answer to my question I’ve never verbalized until now…did he commit infidelity as a way out of our marriage? Was that his modus operandi all along? I don’t know that answer, yet. But, you can be damn well sure I’ll get it.

So, what is on the horizon for us? Counseling / therapy. It’s time. We need the help to lay out a healing path. We need mediation and learn skills on how to communicate in the best way. The tricky part is finding the RIGHT therapist. I think it will be a female because our past experiences in therapy (family therapy for our son), was with a male therapist and frankly, the husband and therapist really had a pissing contest…it wasn’t pretty.

I’m scared, everyone. I really am, but I have been since October 11th when I suspected his affair. I’m scared of losing him, of losing our marriage and our family. I’m already feeling lost. I lost a part of myself that day. I lost my sense of safety, security and trust. At least, the way I defined those in my past life – because, that’s what it was…my past life. I need to create a new definition for each of those in my new life. I hope it’s with my husband, I really do. I love him so deeply that it makes me tear up just feeling the depth of my emotions for him.

So, I’ve just got to make progress, even if they are small steps, but I have to show him my love and compassion and I hope I get the same back from him. In many ways, women are teachers – we are the nurturers. I just have to remember to keep showing him, each and every day how much I love him.

I’m praying for happiness through hope and help. It’s all I’ve got right now…

PS: I’m writing this while listening to my boss on a conference call…shhhh, don’t tell anyone that I can multitask like this!I

Could this be the beginning of the end?

OK, for those who follow my blog know that this past week was a week of triggers for me. Well, I guess I was set to simmer because I kind of exploded yesterday morning.

Here’s the story…

Friday night I made a delicious dinner (almost always do because I’m an awesome cook). I cook because I love him and my kids. It’s one of the ways I show my love. Annnnnyway… we were texting back and forth during the day. I told him in the morning that I thought he needed an orgasm that night and was happy to help with it. You know – just keeping the spice in the marriage so he thought about ME during the day, etc. He was more than happy with that text and we did continue to go back/forth with fun, loving and spicy texts. Meanwhile, I was obsessing with the Evil Bitch’s new photos on Facebook. It was definitely affecting my mood during the day. When he came home, I was happy to see him, but he could tell I was still not feeling great – that I was ‘off’.

I was off and I was really just getting more and more angry without saying anything. I actually wanted sex, and he declined…first time since Dday! He just wanted to ‘relax and take it easy.’ Yet, he was definitely raring to go when he got home! I knew he was angry, but I wasn’t ready to talk. I was ‘simmering’ with inner rage and feeling rejected. We eventually went to bed and did not cuddle. He wanted to read his book, so I just fell asleep.

Saturday morning, the alarm clock went off (busy day for him). We make it a point to spoon before he gets out of bed each morning. It’s a way for us to connect. He did give me a little spoon, but then rolled out of bed and off he went. Again, disconnected…

I got up and brought a cup off coffee outside for him (he was packing for a camping trip with the scouts). He was friendly, and cheerful, but avoiding the real issues. A little later I hugged him and said that I could sense he was angry with me and that I was sorry for acting the way I was. He was frustrated and said that he didn’t know how to act around me when I was like “this” and when he would ask me, I would avoid answering. I told him that I did that because I didn’t want a confrontation. He said that was exactly the response he expected. He was right. I was telling him with all my body language but not TELLING him with words. So, I said that I had all this anger and was having a hard time dealing with it. He made some comment which I can’t remember and practically goaded me to say what was on my mind…so, I said what I wanted… Either for him to quit his job or for HER to quit it.

He responded angrily and said that she wasn’t going to quit her job and that was that. I was getting angrier and felt hurt. We said some mean things back and forth (me being more mean). I did say that I had all this pent-up anger and that I knew I needed professional help — that we needed help. He got even more anxious. He has a strong aversion to therapy. He then said he thought we were making progress these last six months and now we are back at square one (he said that a few times when we would fight). He said that he doesn’t know if he could make me happy and he hopes that I find someone who would in the future! WTF? Really, ready to give up that easily? OH FUCK – NO YOU DON’T!!!

Let me be clear…we really don’t fight. When we do, which is rare, it ends with one of us walking away. That’s really part of our problem — we don’t know how to fight and resolve.

For me, I wasn’t walking away, I was in this and not leaving. I even positioned myself in his way to make him look at me and talk to me. Before he left I told him that I saw a photo of HER on her Facebook page and that she was pretty and slim. He said, “Well, I recommend that you don’t look at her Facebook page.” Nice! With that, he left. That was at 8:30 a.m. I doubled over thinking he was done and that it was the beginning of the end for us. I was numb, once again. Could this really be it? I walked around like a zombie for a while.

Eventually, I did some research on marriage counseling. Found a couple that host a marriage boot camp weekend kind of thing. Printed it out and wrote a note to my husband. I was going to deliver the note to him at the campout for his reading pleasure later that day.

In the note, I told him that I didn’t want our marriage to end and that I did love him and that I wanted to get us help. If he wanted the same thing, great. If not, he had to tell me and we’d go our separate ways. Yeah, that kind of letter…

So, I drove to the campout, found his truck, dropped in the envelope. I saw him in the distance and decided to go over and tell him I left him a note. It was weird. He and I were walking around like two tigers, aware of each other but keeping our distance. We were civil (there were other people around). I couldn’t take it so I said my goodbyes to everyone and started to walk back to my car. He came after me and said he hoped I would show up. Once again, it was me going the distance for this man. I’m always the first one to apologize, always the one to go after him. I’m getting tired of it, to be honest. Always chasing him, always wanting to resolve the issue. Anyway, he told me he bought a pack of cigarettes for the first time (in about 6 months) that morning. I asked him if he wanted me to take them back with me, and he said no. I told him what was in the envelope and that I didn’t want a confrontation. I wanted him to read what I wrote and to take time to make his decision. We hugged and kissed and said that we loved each other.

I went home and took a long nap. I needed it. I was so damn sore from my workout the day before and upset. What would he decide? He wasn’t coming home until the next morning. I was prepared for a long wait…

— I realize this is a long post, but I’m writing it down so I don’t forget things. Will post the next update later.