We were given homework from our first session. We had to make note of instances of things that seemed better, whether actions or feelings, etc.
I wrote three things down:
1. He shared (without me having to ask) info that EB will be out for an addition 3-6 weeks due to knee surgery
2. He told me that he will not make me a fool again by cheating on me ever again
3. We had a really great conversation the other night about how amazing I think my husband’s brain is – he’s a math wiz and frankly can see patterns and shit. Anyway, it was a great chat and I felt closer to him.
It’s been a great few weeks, to be honest. Yesterday’s session started great. We both shared what we noticed as improvement. I listed my three points above. He said he could tell things are getting better because we have been getting along great. Frankly, I was disappointed in his comment. Not that I disagreed with him, I just felt a little bit cheated with his answer. I wanted more.
So, Hippy Dippy (what I call our therapist), asked what would it be like to wake up one morning and feel as though a miracle happened…what would be that miracle? Great question…and I was prepared to answer it.
My answer was that I would wake up with complete trust in him.
His answer was spot on: His miracle would be that we were getting along like we have been and that he never had an affair.
Good answer, right?
She then asked more questions that led to the topic of the Evil Bitch. I said that the last few weeks have been very peaceful because she’s been out of work (see #1 above). Hippy Dippy then asked about my miracle and said how could I get to the point of complete trust with my husband. I said that my miracle would be if EB left her job, in fact, completely left our lives, especially his…never to be heard from again. That is my wish, that is my miracle. (those were my exact words).
But, it went a bit south after that point. He then said he thinks I’ll never trust him again. And his body language showed futility, like he was giving up. Hippy Dippy explored the topic and asked why he thought that. He said that when I would ask questions about his affair, he would be defensive and have a difficult time answering. He said he never did that to me after my affair. (Yes, we all know what a fucking saint you were, honey. You just never talked about it after and we never healed. I’m particularly to blame for that…that I know…but you have never let me forget it…and then fucked a whore at work because you were entitled and then you completely discounted my pain at your actions…constantly rub my face in it since post my Dday…). I hate when he says things like that. It sounds like he’s giving up and giving himself the right to not try and walk away. It scares me to death and pisses me off to no end! FUCK YOU, I wanted to say. I didn’t. I just shut down. I sat there, staring and thinking what I just wrote. I was seething and in pain. He noticed. He made a comment and asked why I was quiet.
I replied and said that it makes me sad to hear him say that about me not being able to trust him. I said he has a choice, the power to change the situation. But he doesn’t want to and that hurts me deeply. I wanted to say, “Am I not worth it? For you to leave your job?” But, I didn’t. I had expressed that in our last verbal fight three weeks ago and he walked out then. Reason why I didn’t ask it at that moment — I knew what the result would be.
What was a big moment was his response to that. He said that he wished she would leave the job, too. First, because that it would make me happy and feel less anxious and help me trust him again. Then said he wishes she would find another job and that this never happened. He wouldn’t miss her at all. (OK, that was a MUCH better answer…thank you).
I still was shut down, to be honest. I went to that dark place and I wasn’t coming out for awhile. My head hurt and I wanted to go home.
Hippy Dippy closed the session with some homework for next session in two weeks. She asked us what number we are on a scale of 0-10, (10 being the miracle), are we today? His answer was a 7. My answer was a 6-7. So, what instances over the next two weeks can we mark down that we think would bump up our number to the next higher number on the scale.
We left in separate cars, went home. Got ready to attend a high school variety show our youngest was performing in. In the car, my husband asked me if I wanted to talk about what was bothering me. I was still suffering from my stress headache and frankly, I was dizzy. I told him that – I needed to decompress. He then asked me to pull out a paper in his wallet. He wrote down what he thought was the homework assignment. Written there were about 5-6 text messages I’ve sent him over the last few weeks of love notes. I thought that was nice, but for some reason, I didn’t think that was creative enough. They were MY words, not his. I know they meant a lot to him. They meant a lot to me when I sent them. But, I don’t know…I just was let down a bit, to be honest. I know it’s his way of acknowledging and validating my love for him. But, it’s still not really exposing himself enough for me. I want more of him. More of his thoughts, fears and declaration of love.
I will say he didn’t express any apology in the words of “sorry” at all during the session. I guess I have to ask myself if that’s important to me to hear those words again…”I’m sorry”. He hasn’t said them more than twice. He wrote it once or twice, but saying it has been only twice. I suppose it must be important if I’m writing it here. But, is it really? Do I think he’s sorry? Yes…but there is a wall he’s built. Prideful wall and it pisses me off. More to explore at the next session, I guess…