More Questions…Some Answers

For those of you followers out there in Blogland, you may be aware that I still have some questions for my husband regarding his infidelity. I apologize in advance for the long post. I’m just too damn lazy to split it up in more than one post!

Yesterday morning started like normal, but my phone decided to mess with my mind. Usually, when J gets to work, he texts me, usually with a lovely IM. Yesterday, my phone didn’t show his most recent message but the very beginning of his messages, dating back to October 14, 2013. My Dday. His Dday. The day he broke my heart.

So, what did I do? I read all his messages since then! There are probably 2,000+ What did that do to my head? It kicked it. It put it in a vise. Thank you, Samsung, for messing with a fragile ego.

Anyway, an hour+ later — yeah, that long…I wrote him back and got out of bed and started my day.

My day was spent in the past and the present. I can’t really plan the future. No, not there, yet. Are you? Can you see your future yet, YaYa Sisters?

After dinner, he was washing dishes and made a comment about something, but started with “I don’t know if you said it or I heard it from someone else, but…blahdeblahdeblah…” I replied, “No, you didn’t hear it from me, must have been someone else.”

Well, that didn’t go over so well with J! He turned around and asked if I was implying that he heard it from K [aka Evil Bitch]? I shrugged my shoulders and didn’t answer. He said, “At least be honest and admit it.” I replied, “Well, I don’t know what you talk about with her during the day, so who knows?”

We settled on the couch later and he mentioned my comment earlier and asked why I wasn’t being honest? This started a session of questions and some answers…He opened the door (more like window), right?

I’m trying to remember everything that I asked and his “answers” but I’m having a hard time.

I stated that I don’t understand why EB remains at her job. If I was in her shoes, I would have moved on and found another job. Out of respect of me and our marriage, that’s what she should do. [On a private side note, I know HE’S not going to change jobs. It’s a good job. He’s the manager. He does love his job. He’s made that perfectly clear.]

[You are all going to love his reply…wait for it…wait for it…] He said that he doesn’t understand my thinking. Why would she want to leave? Why should she respect me?

You’d be proud. I didn’t lose my shit. Actually, scratch that. You are probably all disappointed! I knew that if I lost my composure, I wouldn’t get any answers.

I said that since he’s clearly not leaving his job, the decent thing to do is for her to leave it. It doesn’t pay that great. She really doesn’t need the money [I’ve seen her B posts – lake house, boat, motorcycle, two grown boys out of school and just bought a beach house in Florida – yet, he doesn’t seem to know this much about her and I didn’t divulge the details]. He disagreed and said I was wrong. He said that the job is 3 minutes from her home and super convenient. Why would she leave that?

So, I explained my earlier reply that I’m still scared. I don’t know what their relationship is like now and what they talk about. I have never met her, never spoke to her so all I have his “word” and it’s hard for me to believe him because he lied to me for so long.

He replied that their conversations were innocuous and nothing to even remember. [I believe that now]. I challenged him and asked if she’s flirtatious and/or makes any comments that would indicate her interest in him. He said, “No, she doesn’t at all. It’s as if she looks at their past as a ‘fling’ and nothing more.” I then said that it doesn’t make sense. No woman would remain at a job if she didn’t still have feelings. He disagreed. Said that she doesn’t and neither does he.

He said that he’s being honest. And he doesn’t understand why I keep bringing up the past. However, if it helps me, he will answer my questions. I nodded. I said that it’s hard for me still. But, I see that he’s back, he’s the man I married. Last year, he was not. He was different, angry and mean at times. I don’t think he liked my comment. [What else is new?]

He said that we weren’t getting along at all last year. We argued (which we did, but only a few times). He asked if I remembered the email I sent him? I said that I did and I also remember he never acknowledged it. The email was the result of one of our arguments. I apologized but also called out his shitty behavior. He never acknowledged it and I was too proud to mention it again. That has been our issue, we never knew how to fight and then resolve our differences. We would skirt around them, say hurtful things, I’d apologize first (always), and then act like nothing was the matter. He went on to say we were not getting along. I didn’t agree. I thought we were. [Afterall, he was texting/sexting me at the same damn time as he was sexting his work whore]. Yes, our sex life sucked last year. I was suffering from a back injury, went through physical therapy, then started with a personal trainer. I was rebounding. The summer was okay. He was not. He was still short tempered, working later, going in earlier, working Saturdays and some Sundays. Yeah, he was a fucking saint!

What really shocked me was his view of our relationship last year. He thought we were on the out! I asked him if he was seriously thinking our marriage was in trouble. He did! Wow, I guess I was in another marriage! I was in love with my husband and thought we were in a rut. We started doing some things together. I remember going on a hike with him in a near by park (pretty famous in our area…very historical…with an old revolutionary town that is in ruins to explore, etc.) That was September 29th. I remember he was texting as we were stuck in traffic. There was a beerfest going on, hence the traffic. He said it was a guy from work and then other friends. I never thought otherwise. We enjoyed our day. My back was on the mend and I was getting stronger. I took a lot of photos of the views, ruins, etc. It was fun. The night before, we went out on a dinner date, just the two of us. I had just booked our anniversary trip up to Lake Placid. Anyway, you see…I thought we were doing better. Along this same timeline, he was still sexting her. They hadn’t decided to call it off at this point, a week before our anniversary.

Sorry for the digression…but, it really gobsmacked me (love being able to use the word “gobsmacked”) that he thought our marriage wouldn’t survive. Wow, I just had a moment. One of those damn Oprah A-huh Moments. Did he start his affair as a way out of our marriage? Wow. How dense can I be? You see, I have to find the root cause of everything. I’m a problem solver. There HAS to be an explanation for everything! I suppose I’m not very religious. I will always be a cynic. I will always question everything. WHY AM I SO FUCKING STUPID ABOUT MY OWN LIFE? GRRR!

I questioned further. I asked him if he thought of his life divorced? He said he did! I asked if his father’s inheritance was a justification for his thinking? Meaning, was he planning on taking the money and running? I couldn’t give a shit about the money. But, we have two men children to educate. The youngest just started last week. I make more money than he does. Probably part of his issues, but not mine. It’s ours, it’s for our family. He said he didn’t. That he was going to give me all the money because the boys would live with me. (Wow, thanks for thinking of us, dear…very THOUGHTFUL of you!). He said that he is still very uncomfortable speaking with me during our work day. He can “hear how depressed” I am in my voice. That made me stop and think he doesn’t really get my pain. I’m not just depressed. My heart is broken. What a fuckhead! Seriously? You motherfucker! I cheated on you 14 years ago. You went through this! And yet I’m just “depressed”? FUCK YOU! Again, I kept my cool. I knew if I lost it, this window would close. 

It was at this point I told him about my Bad Dreams (see earlier post). I said that I never thought of divorce. I couldn’t imagine our lives separate. We said some more things, back and forth. We kept our heads. My heart broke a little more. We hugged. I softly called him an idiot. 

We went to bed last night feeling just okay. I was still processing and replaying everything he said. Aligning it to my mental timeline. Reeling in the revelation that he really thought we wouldn’t survive last year. 

Today is a better day. We woke up in the best way possible – with a lovely morning delight. 

No, I can’t think of a tomorrow just yet. I can only think of today and replay yesterday, over and over in my head, searching for answers.

Do we cycle together?

Here’s an interesting question…

For us, sisters in pain (nice, huh?), do we “cycle” together? Not in the menstruation way, but I mean, are we feeling, processing, healing, lashing out, regressing, progressing at the same time because of our blogging?

I know I “feel” for many of you while reading your posts – either happiness or sadness, depending upon what’s going on in your lives. Does that impact me and my journey? Maybe!

Some posts are just too sad for me. Some are just too narcissistic or selfish and I’ve un-followed them. Some are too alt-culture for me (blame my age and lack of patience). 

But for those I follow, I relate to and can empathize with. Some of us are on similar post Dday timelines. Others have been through it longer and some are new to this shitty club.

Do we affect each other by cycling together?

Bad dreams

Just writing this down before i forget them…

For the past two nights, I’ve had some bad dreams, which is rare. I usually sleep well and really don’t remember my dreams.

The first night, I dreamt that I was a divorced and how I really couldn’t believe my life. I was so sad and devastated. I was single and miserable. I actually felt my chest tighten and throat close up. It felt so real that I woke up, feeling those physical traits. It was horrible.

Last night (or rather, this morning), I dreamt that I yelled at my husband. I can visualize the dream, but can’t describe the setting. However, the yelling I do remember! He said something (stupid, I presume) and I lashed out and said, “Well, you slept with her and still work with the whore! Of course I’m not over it!!!”

I guess I have some unresolved issues, huh? Ha!

Yeah, good fucking morning, people…

1986

I’ve been meaning to write this post for some time.

In 1986, I was working for one of the major car companies, in their national headquarters. It was near NYC and let’s repeat, it was 1986. Big hair, should pads, tacky clothing, gaudy eye shadow. Yeah, it was Working Girl in real life. I was 20-21 years old, going to college at night and working as a sales coordinator during the day. 

The office I worked in was across the office park “street” from a global airline. It was pretty laid back area, very parklike. Not hustling or bustling at all.

One day returning from lunch, there was a strange woman standing near my desk, looking out my window toward the airline building and its parking lot. She was just standing there, not saying a word, eyes out the window.

I asked her if she was meeting with one of the executives and she just shook her head. I didn’t feel scared, but rather sad for her. She looked heartbroken. 

Eventually, someone called security, but the woman decided to leave on her own accord before she was escorted out. No one knew her. She didn’t belong in our building. She looked lost in more ways than one.

Finally, someone older than me, a lady co-worker who was married and “worldly” (at least to a 20 y/o) surmised that the woman must have been a wife and was watching for her cheating husband, who must have worked across the street for the airline. She must have been watching who he had “lunch” with and what she looked like.

I think of of this woman now and have an affinity for her. She must have been only 10-12 years older than I was at the time. She was very pretty, slim and well dressed. Not that means a damn, but to a 20 y/o girl, she wasn’t the type of wife a cheating SOB would cheat on. What did I know! 

I remember her stance and the hollow-look in her eyes. Pure heartache. Betrayed and broken.

I wonder what happened to her…

Just realized that I didn’t change the channel…

For the first time, hearing about some famous person’s infidelity on TV would make me turn the channel or leave the room. I couldn’t hear it. I would get upset.

Tonight, on some stupid news program they talked about Beyoncé and JayZ’s marriage. I half listened and frankly think it’s a bunch of b.s. but still sad if true.

I didn’t change the channel. I just realized it (well, like 15 minutes ago).

Am I healing or just numb?

Or both?

Weird, right? 

What has changed for you that surprised you?