Let It Go

We had our big talk last night.

I asked him, pointblank, if he will find another job.

He said no. He loves his job and it’s just a job. Nothing is ever discussed or talked about at work. It’s over. It has been for over a year.

I asked why he won’t. He said he loves his job, it’s convenient, it’s a 4-day work week. He can’t imagine starting over again. Change is hard for him.

I said that I felt he was still working there and not searching for another job, which he said he would (he categorically denies he said it…said he doesn’t remember it), as a form of punishment toward me. He said that was not true. How could I think that?

I said that he hasn’t had to change one bit about his life this past year. I’ve done everything in my power to make him fall in love with me again. Anything we’ve done is because I begged him: reading the books (which I said he still hasn’t finished), going to marriage counseling, etc. He really resented that accusation. How could I say he hasn’t done anything? What he’s done for this marriage?

I then said that I would like to speak to EB. If she is a part of our lives now, at least I should meet her and have a conversation with her. He didn’t like that. He asked how would l feel if he contacted L, my AP? He said it wasn’t a good idea to involve EB. He was pissed.

I let that stew a few moments and then said I wouldn’t contact her (I might, though…we’ll see…).

He said that I’ll never move on. That I’ll always be stuck. He’s afraid to come home most nights, not knowing how things are because I’m so depressed. I responded saying that my heart is broken. I’m not depressed. I’m in pain. I told him that I guess he just doesn’t realize how much I love him and how painful this has been.

I said I was scared. Not knowing what was going to happen to us. I asked him if he was scared, too. He said he was terrified.

I said that I couldn’t believe, he of all people, would do this. He asked what I meant. I said that with his father’s infidelity, then mine, he would do it, knowing the devastation it would cause. He said something like, “Oh, so I’m a horrible person (or something like that).” and I responded that I never suspected. I trusted him completely. And that has been what’s hard to overcome. I said that I didn’t know what I wanted to say or do. I just felt numb. I wasn’t going to cry. I was just a bit dead inside. It was weird. I mentally noted how calm I was.

He apologized again. He said that he was so sorry for doing this to me.

He got up and a few minutes later, sat back down and said that he was sorry that he will never be able to make me happy.

I sat back and took a breath. I then said that I know what I want. I want him, our marriage. He stood back up and went into our bedroom.

I followed, because I wasn’t done with my statement.

I said that because I want our marriage, I realize that I have to let this all go. That I have to forget this all happened and completely move on.

Braver words than what I was feeling. But, I had a moment where I had to decide if I wanted to be right or be happy.

I said that I have swallowed my pride over the last  year, more than he can realize. We exchanged some other things…and he said how much he resented my previous statement that he hasn’t done anything this past year. I apologized and said that was harsh. Yet, I’m scared. I said that I had been working so hard on myself over the past year, physically. Did he notice? He said he did. I then asked if I physically turned him on? He got completely defenseless and said we had to end this conversation. This was going into a direction he didn’t want to go right then. He said we had to stop, take a break. We could continue this conversation later. I knew we wouldn’t. We never do…

We went back down to the living room and finished watching some crap TV and hung out with our oldest son. He then said he was going to bed. I stayed down for a little bit. Just to give him a chance to be alone. I went up to bed and didn’t say a word to him. Nor did he say anything to me. Not even a kiss goodnight. It was a test. We both were testing. I woke up at 2:30 and started reading blogs and just having a hard time getting back to sleep. I finally did around 3:45am. I wanted to cuddle with him, but he was turned the other way. So I laid my hand on his chest and he eventually turned so my hand had to drop.

The alarm went off at 5:45am and he spooned me. It was an olive branch. He said he loved me completely and I hugged him and said that I loved him, too.

He then got up and took a shower. After that he hugged me and said that he loves me and only me. I hugged and kissed him back.

He left for work and texted me when he got there. It was a good text. This is why he does. Takes him a day to respond and to say or text things that moves us forward.

I don’t know, guys. One day at a time. One emotion at a time.

I do know one thing. I choose to be happy. It will take me years to digest the pride I swallowed. Or is it my heart?

Falling Back

Maybe it’s the change in clocks, but I feel as though I’m a bit “stuck” with inner dialog and anger. I’m falling back – doing what I did pre-affair.

Is it normal for recovering from infidelity? Probably. Is it fun? No, it’s not.

I had a bad day yesterday. It was Tuesday. I woke up at 4am and my mind started the replay. EB was off all last week and I was able to breathe. Yesterday, I felt the breath leave me. I hugged him when he left for work and just said, “I hate Tuesdays.” He gruffly said, “I know.”

I was in a funk all day because of it. I went into my office and brought home three boxes of crap, as we are cleaning out and preparing for the big office move. Even with all that going on, I was still preoccupied – distracted – disconnected.

Question to the BS’s out there…how long did it take for you to start having “back talk” in your mind and noticing those small things that annoy you about your spouse?

This has just started for me. I used to have it pre-affair. Twenty three years married of “little things” and grumbling under my breath at things he would do or say. I’m worried. I don’t like it.

After the affair, those little annoyances didn’t bother me. In some f’ed up way, they were endearing. I was just so happy to be together.

Now, I’m not so sure. Perhaps I’m finally out of the BS fog. You know, the honeymoon sex, the “he walks on water” and “isn’t he so hot?”  I’m not happy about it. The BS fog was nicer. It formed a bubble/cocoon that prevented the shit from becoming real.

But, what’s really bothering me is that I’m feeling a bit stuck for not knowing what he’s going to do about a new job. He keeps surfing next vacations, stupid sports scores, but not even a hint at looking for another job.

He’s smoking again, too — has been since the summer. He smoked last year and on 10/17, I threw out his pack of cigarettes, out the truck window. He quit cold turkey then. Weird how I remember all the specific dates of things that week. But, I’m sure we all do to some extent…

Guess who also smokes? Yup, Ms. Evil Bitch. Oh, but “they don’t usually smoke alone.” Another person “almost always joins them.”

I resent both of these things: no new job and smoking.

I think that’s part of my pent-up anger and it’s going to boil over soon.

I’m scared, guys. I’m scared that he won’t find another job and that will be it for us. I think I’ve swallowed enough pride and paid my dues from my past sins. At least, I think I have. He must still be punishing me. I just can’t imagine what his motive(s) are if he isn’t.

We are getting the remodeling done. Final things selected and it should be full remodel mode by early December. All I am thinking lately is…well, it will be good for resale because I don’t know if we’ll be here much longer.

Sigh

Didn’t think my heart could break anymore. I was wrong. It just keeps breaking a little each and every day.