An Answer

So, remember the question I asked my husband last Saturday night?

The one where I asked what does he want out of this marriage?

I got an answer.

The other night he came up to me, hugged and kissed me and said he was ready to answer my question. My heart started pounding. I wasn’t expecting him to bring it up at all. I wasn’t sulking for an answer either (shocker!).

He said, “‘This‘ is what I want out of our marriage. Just being happy and loving toward one another. Whether it’s sitting on the couch watching TV, going out, traveling, whatever. I just want us to be happy.”

That melted my heart but it’s still guarded. I didn’t want to throw “What about looking for and getting a new job?” I was just happy he came forward and answered the question to some degree.

I look at it as a small step he’s made. We shall see if there is another step after this one…

I couldn’t have stopped it

Stop, in the name of love

Stop, in the name of love

So, the weekend before last, lying in bed before turning the light out I had one of those friggin’ Oprah “Uh-huh” moments. It hit me right in the face. They don’t happen often and especially since his affair, I can’t remember shit! (Advanced apologies…this will be filled with curse words).

Let me back up a bit.

That day was spent backing up my old phone in preparation of getting the new iPhone (yes, I’m back to an iPhone and it should behave a lot better than the S5).

I had gotten to the realization that the new phone would not be my “Dday” phone, but my Dday+1 year phone. Meaning, I wasn’t going to port over all my old messages to the new phone and still live in the past. Nope, wasn’t going to do it. So, I backed up (in multiple ways, just in case) the messages of denial and then admission and then love and recovery for the past 12 months. There were a lot between my husband and I! Definitely more than what he had texted with EB (Evil Bitch for you new comers).

So, after backing up, I took a stroll down memory lane and read the before Dday texts. I started to place more of my mental timeline together. Things were falling into the cracks and it was making more sense.

Fast forward to bedtime, and it hit me. There wasn’t anything I could have done to prevent him having the affair and fucking her! Yeah…I know, I know!!!! But, here me out.

Case in point, The night before he fucked her, we made love and he gave me a hickey (sorry, TMI, but what the hell…). Yeah, that hadn’t happened in a long time. I don’t recall it (the sex) being extra wonderful, but it was good enough for a hickey. Hell, he could have been imagining her for all I know!

I thought back on other dates and I really think he was so messed up that he was determined to fuck her. Their texting was in a frenzy leading up to that day and at this point, if I showed up naked at his office door, he would have pushed me aside and fucked her instead.

So, that night, lying in bed, I got real quiet. It was an epiphany. He asked what was up and I told him that I realized no matter what, he was going to cheat. I couldn’t have prevented it. I told him that we made love the night before. I was powerless and didn’t even know it.

What did he say? NOT A FUCKING THING. Crickets had more to say than this husband of mine.

In a weird way, it was rather freeing. For 12 months I blamed myself for part of the affair. For being “distant” at times, blah, blah, fucking blah….

Not anymore. His mind and his dick were made up. And it’s ALL on him and not me! Not that part of the relationship. I’ll own my dissatisfaction with the marriage back then, but not his affair.

Anyway, I thought I’d share that fact and see if any of you felt the same way?

Figuring Out Forgiveness

Kelly’s post about forgiveness really made me think. Understanding that there are levels to it, verging from acceptance to outright blind faith forgiveness makes it easier for me to digest.

I was ready to tell my husband that I was on the verge of forgiveness this past Saturday. I really was…even before I read Kelly’s post and learned it was National Forgiveness Day (wonder which cheating congressman asked for that national day?).

We had a discussion about his week at work and he asked if talking about “her” upset me. I told him that I needed him to speak about her. It helped me. So, he did, telling me that she’s on vacation this coming week. She wanted to work on a Monday (the company is closed on Mondays) to get a jump on the holiday orders. He told her that wasn’t going to happen (meaning, they would be alone and that wasn’t ever going to happen). I then asked if she was moving to Florida, yet. (I wasn’t being very careful because I let that slip. I know she’s got a beach house she just bought down there – FB is soooo informative). He said no, not that he was aware of. I’m sure it pissed him off. I could tell. Anyway, we got home and from that point on, I was in an obvious “funk”. Not really meaning to be, but I realized something and was processing it in my mind, having my own internal dialog.

So, I went for a long walk and just went about my day, but withdrawn. He noticed and when we were getting ready to attend a wake, he flared up at me because I was “having a bad day, now he was having one.” Whatever, cheater boy…whatever. I told him that it wasn’t my fault. None of it was. And I left it at that.

In the car I said, “I honestly don’t know what to say.” He asked what I meant and I said that it’s been a year and we’ve come so far but he hasn’t gotten a new job. He said, “No, I haven’t.” and with that lovely volley, I just clammed up, waiting for him to do the right thing. The ball was in his court, after all.

We went to the wake and paid our respects. We came home and pretty much, avoided each other until he asked if I wanted to go to the movies.

So, we did. We saw “The Judge” and it was pretty good. When we went to bed and I asked him if he was happy. He responded, “Of course, I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Sigh…

I held my tongue and then asked him what he wanted from this marriage? What did he need? He was reading his book (no, he hasn’t finished “Just Friends” – doubt he ever will.) and said that he would like some time to answer that question.

Yeah…awesome. You do that. Take all the time you need to answer the most important fucking question of our lives. It’s okay. I’ll just be over here, on the left side of the bed waiting for the rest of my pathetic life.

We woke up the next day feeling better. Not sure why, but we did. I decided to make breakfast. He decided to seduce me. Hey, I have needs to…why not?

Anyway, it was a better day. But, I didn’t mention my question. I just let lying dogs lie (hmmm….interesting choice of phrase there…).

But, what I realized was what I was ready to forgive and what I wasn’t. I can forgive his weakness. I can even forgive his affair (after all, he “forgave” me for mine…or did he?) But, I can’t forgive that he hasn’t left his job. I can’t forgive that he hasn’t even looked for another job. In many ways, that is more hurtful. That is the ultimate, “FUCK YOU” and guess what? I’m not okay with that.

Have I told him this? No, not yet. You know why? Because it’s ALWAYS ME that broaches the difficult subjects, that asks the tough, messy questions, that always says “I’m sorry” first. I’m hurt. Rather, I’m heartbroken.

Figuring out forgiveness is really tricky. It takes time. Each person decides what they will or won’t forgive. We’re all different. I just know I don’t want want to hurt anymore.

Dday here and gone

So, everyone, I survived Dday.

Shocker…I know!

Things are going well. He seems to really love me, and I him. But, I still have doubts. I’m sure he does, too.

This week sucked because October 14th was Dday. But, it didn’t suck as bad as I thought.

Guess I am doing better than I ever imagined? Who the hell knows?

He was good, attentive and loving. I thanked him for being great this week and he had to ask why. Sigh…I chalk it up to being a guy. Either he was playing coy or he was guy-clueless. Whatever.

I have lingering doubts about some things and I’m writing them down so I’m not such a coward to admit them:

  1. Why hasn’t he looked for a job? [Biggest doubt, most painful and important]
  2. What do they talk about at work?
  3. Does he still like her?
  4. Why hasn’t she found a new job?
  5. Communication: Our conversations often seem one-sided. He talks about his stuff and I listen really well. I’m really interested. I love him. But, when it comes to my stuff, he seems to “check out” and not really listen. That hurts, to be honest.

I don’t know. There are times I don’t respond to his texts right away. Just being pissy at times, because I don’t want to be too available/desperate. Weird, I know––immature, I know…

We signed the remodeling contract and that is also a small doubt in my mind. When it’s complete, will he decide we aren’t working out? Him thinking that I’m finally getting the kitchen and bath done, I’ll be happy with that and it will be a good time for him to leave?

Like I said, just lingering doubts. I’m sure we all have them.

Have I forgiven him? No, not yet. Not sure it will ever get to that. I hope so, but I’m not jumping too fast to forgive when I still have Doubt #1!

Anyway, that’s all for now. Hope all of you are doing well xoxo

Wedding Anniversary…check! Dday Antiversary…gulp!

10382355_10202259826929390_5874948172961112795_o

So, I am back from a fun filled trip to Bermuda with my groom of 25 years. It was awesome! Just what we needed!

Only a few hiccups and triggered thoughts, but otherwise, I refused to let his affair ruin our trip – so it didn’t!

I’m writing this as I’m drinking my freshly squeezed veggie cocktail. I’m on the detox train to healthy living. Needed it after last week’s pinot noir, rum and ice vodka haze! Damn, it was fun!

We rented scooters and popped around the island like professionals (in other words, we didn’t crash or die – haha). We jet skied, snorkeled and drank our way around the island.

Yeah, just what the doctor ordered! Wish we were still there!

So, Monday was our actual anniversary. Our first day home, spent  unpacking. It was nice, but I was a little timid to be honest.

I gave him a card in the morning and waited…waited…waited for something (just wanted a card) from him! He left his card on my pillow so I saw it when we went to bed. I was rather hurt by that. Why make me wonder and wait? I didn’t get a card for Valentine’s Day (yeah, I know…I know!). But, I was hoping I would get one for our big anniversary. His card was lovely and what he said was wonderful. But…I felt a bit hurt. What was I expecting? Diamond stud earrings? No, but something more than a sneak card…

So, in bed I expressed my disappointment. I thanked him for the card, but wasn’t sure I was going to get one. He apologized and then in the morning, apologized again. We both made a truce and said that we didn’t want that issue to tarnish such a great week. Brave face in the morning, feeling better and went back to work (boooooo).

Here’s a list of positives and negatives from the week:

Positives:

We had a lot of great sex. Yeah, I’m still smiling from it!

He hugged me, kissed me and then said that he was so happy to be in love like this. It was heartfelt and I felt it in my heart 🙂

We spent all of our time together (98%) and wanted more!

We laughed, drank and had silly moments, too.

Negatives:

Just one or two triggers for me. I really can’t think of them but they were there.

I made a comment after he mentioned he thought the cruise director was a bit stuck up. My comment was, “Yeah, she reminds me of your girlfriend.” I meant his girlfriend BEFORE me, not Evil Bitch. Well, this is the one comment that hurt him and he didn’t tell me until Monday night. He thought I meant EB, but I assured him I didn’t. So, what did he say? “Well, Julie (the cruise director’s name, I kid you not….) looks more like ‘the other one’ than does D*****.” Yeah — it was an odd moment. I went to sleep not feeling the best on our anniversary. Rather mad and had a nice visual thanks to his admission!

But, but, but…I knew it wasn’t really a big deal. It wasn’t. We spent a great week together. I didn’t want to give his failure that much weight.

So, this week’s post wedding anniversary is a strange one for me. This weekend will be his one year ago weekend of lying to my face. And next Tuesday will be Dday. I’m filled with trepidation but it’s manageable. Honestly, I’m better than I thought I would be. But, I do feel anxious. Waiting for that other shoe…

I’m not over it, yet. But, I am better. I do feel more like myself for the first time in a long time.

It’s still just one day at a time. I just wish I was sipping a Dark and Stormy on Horseshoe Bay Beach!