More Comfortable

This morning, my husband hugged me before he left for work and said that he’s “more comfortable” with me now and would answer any of my questions that I have. For those who don’t recall, I stated that I had a myriad of questions to still ask him and just wanted to “hash it all out and get them off my chest.” This moment was unprovoked and took me pleasantly off guard!

Let me back up about 8 hours or so: We went to bed last night and I was toast (not toasted but just toast – tired and ready to sleep). As I was closing my eyes, I noticed that my husband was reading on his Kindle the book I asked him to months before, “Not Just Friends.” I was shocked. He started it 3+ weeks ago (the night before our last marriage counseling session) and hadn’t picked it up since, until last night. I dozed on and off for a bit and kept opening one eye to see if he was still reading it, on his own volition and not just for “show”. I didn’t say a word. Didn’t want to acknowledge it or make it a big deal.

We woke up early because I had a 6am call with London (yeah, welcome back from vacation!!!!). We were happy and loving, even for a Tuesday! Remember, Tuesdays suck for me because it’s his first day of the work week and he’s back to working with EB.

Today was different. Normally, I don’t sleep well on Monday nights, thinking of him/her. Last night, I was OK…I mean, I logically thought about it but wasn’t upset or fretting about it. It’s like a deeper level of acceptance without reticence. Just acknowledgement and nothing more.

Of course, I haven’t told him this yet. I want to see if it’s just a passing thought / phase. If it lasts, I’ll tell him. It would prove I am healing more. Guess I’m gun shy right now. Time will tell.

So, my thought this morning after he left and while I was on my call was…WHAT TOOK YOU SO FUCKING LONG? But, my second thought was, MEN ALWAYS TAKE TOO LONG TO COME AROUND.

It’s frustrating but promising. I can’t force his role in healing our marriage. Either he wants to or doesn’t. I just have to give it time. Just like I need him to give me time to heal, i have to do the same and be more patient. 

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Things are going swimmingly!

So far so good, guys.

Vacation at the beach is awesome and we are all enjoying.  No stress…no issues…no work…no affair talk.

Really just enjoying chilling out, to be honest.

image

Photo from the other morning.

I’m the only girl here this week. Me and five very hungry men-children. (The amount of beer these boys drink is impressive!)

My days consist of early shell seeking. Swimming during the afternoon. Then cooking for the animals. And mostly, just enjoying time with my husband.

It’s been good so far 🙂

Packing

No, not leaving him 😉

Packing for VAAAAACAAAAATIOOOOONNNNNNN. Heading for the beaches of North Carolina. WOOOHOOO!

Very excited to vacate work schedules, stress, infidelity thoughts, pain and suffering.

Let’s just hope this vacation (which was the beginning of his affair last year) build NEW memories that are strong and wipe out some of those ghosts!

Wish me luck! xxoo

The Steadfast Wife’s response to a text the ex-Affair Partner sent to my husband

Great post!

The Steadfast Wife

After stewing for a couple days over the letter my husband sent you, this was your text to him last Friday, exactly as you typed it:  Ridiculous letter “Poor Judgement”? Isn’t that the term politicians use when they get busted?You’re a joke. You made a conscious decision to go outside of your marriage. You lied to me and you lied to her. You use women. You love only yourself. You will always be  a liar and coward. You disrespected me M[***]..live with that.

Of course he showed me your text.  He also showed me the letter he wrote to you, before he sent it.  It was very clear and demonstrated that he chose to close all doors between the two of you, forever.  You just didn’t like what he had to say.

Nobody’s a joke, BLM – not him, me, you, or any human being.  Ever.

Poor judgment?  Consider the meaning of that…

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One step FORWARD?

OK, I feel like I’m CNN with all these “Breaking News” posts today — for that, I apologize! But, this is my f’ed up life!

J came home from work early to pack for his weekend training trip (sounds shady, but it’s not, I know he’s with a bunch of scout leaders and what he’ll be doing…).

He gave me a hug right away and said he loved me. I hugged him back, told him I loved him but think I’m holding on too tight and need step back a bit, to give him room to decide what he wants and to give him the space he needs. He immediately said that is not what he wanted, that he wants to be with me all the time. I scared him, I think. And with that jolt, he started to open up.

He said that he feels like he’s being punished, and he gets that, but it’s a lot. He said that for “years” I lied to him, not giving him my computer passwords, etc. and now he’s being honest. Has been honest since October. He can’t imagine what answers I’m looking for. That he knows that he did this to us and he knows he deserves it, but it seems that I’m punishing him and it’s out of proportion to how he treated me when I cheated. He said that he understands a lot of our issues is because he works with her. He would probably react the same way if I worked with the OM. He’s right! He’s absofreakinlutely right. And I told him that. It may be a lot and I am really hurting.

But, I asked how could I be sure he’s being honest now? I don’t trust him, yet. I said I don’t trust HER. I asked him why would a woman return to a minimum wage job when she didn’t have to? His response (which I hated, btw) was, “It’s a great place to work and they enjoy working there.” Yeah, got that, hon, but you missed my point. I said, “Well, I’m speaking as a jealous wife and I don’t trust her. If she is working on her marriage, why would she want to work with you still?” He said that she doesn’t have to work on her marriage because her husband doesn’t know anything. I said, “Well, isn’t that shame? Poor guy.” [HA! Snarky response, I know] I repeated that I don’t trust her and that her reason to remain in the workplace doesn’t add up and I think she still likes him. He said he wouldn’t know, he’s never going to ask her, he doesn’t want to know. Privately, I thought, “Don’t worry, hon, I’ve got your back — I’ll ask the bitch.”

Anyway, the big moment…the big breakdown came.

He started to get desperate, exasperated and said, “I feel like I want to drive into a bridge abutment or off the bridge. That’s how I feel right now. I just can’t take this. Like you’ll be better off without me!” He then walked downstairs to the basement and I followed, trying to get my grip.

For many on here who don’t know my backstory, hearing a loved one say that is scary, especially to me because my oldest son is bipolar and had suicidal thoughts at 17. Many years of therapy and medication we are five years past that time in our lives and he’s doing very well. You can imagine where my head went and how I needed to get myself together to respond.

So, I grabbed him by face and made him look at me and told him, “No, it wouldn’t be better for us, especially for me! You are the love of my life and I couldn’t survive without you!” He hugged me and kissed me and we started to sob. Both of us. It was very cleansing. It was a turning point for us. He apologized for doing this to us. He hugged me, told me he loved me. I did the same and apologized again for hurting him so much and I loved him.

We got ourselves together and were able to do what we had to get him packed and on the road. Since then, he’s called me twice while driving. Just for piddly shit, but still nice to hear his voice. Yeah, I’m thinking about that bridge on his ride. The Hudson River is a big river with a big bridge. He sounds good and more composed. I’m counting the minutes until he reaches his destination so I can calm down. God, I’m tired, already, ladies.

I just realized what today is. It’s 9 months since I texted him if he had a crush on EB. Nine months ago, I was lying in bed, scared out of my mind, knowing that he was doing something bad. Knowing he had an inappropriate relationship with another woman. Nine months ago, he was in pure denial and deflect mode. Lie after lie I was fed that day. And the next and the next…

I feel mentally numb like that day. But, there’s a difference, I have a shred of hope today, ladies. 

I really do…x

 

And another step back…

This is part 2 of my post from this morning.

Just back from my walk and work is done for the day (love half day Fridays!).

Where I left off, back in HippyDippy’s office:

Based on the discussion about the book, I said that I felt comfortable asking the questions (in my previous post: https://temptedblog.wordpress.com/2014/07/09/stop-the-presseshe-started-reading-book-2/). And then I dropped the bomb, ladies… 

I said that I am feeling a bit stuck and that I have more questions. J looked like I had a loaded gun pointed at his head. He said that he couldn’t imagine anything else for me to ask about, unless it’s about details, and that wouldn’t be a good idea. I said I wanted to rip the bandaid off and hash it all out. Have him ask me questions and so on so I can really know everything and get this behind me. HippyDippy did a lot of nodding and smiling. J was a bit freaked out. She asked if J needs notice to help prepare himself for this type of questioning? I said that I wouldn’t want to do it as a spur of the moment but would like to take the time it deserves. She nodded some more. I believe she was waiting to hear J agree to it (which he didn’t). It just hung out there like a fart, frankly. Sigh…

Then she switched gears and actually said something USEFUL! She said that since it’s his choice to not look for another job, he has to understand my anxiety and that constant communication with me is helpful to re-establish trust. I loved that she used the phrase, “his choice” because, this entire situation is because of his choice!

We then talked about our upcoming trip to the beach house (next week) and that he’s unsure if it’s a good idea, and then he said, “Especially now, because it seems I’m not doing anything right. I thought we have come so far and then I come here and see that we haven’t.” He then explained that at the beach house last year is where he started to text EB and it will bring up bad memories for me. I said that this entire summer is one long trigger! But, I was looking forward to being away with him and the kids, reclaiming our place and making new memories (while, I’m praying it’s not the last time we enjoy the beach house as a family because it may be the last time we are one!).

I’m trying to remember everything that was said and I’m having a hard time. I’m sure, when I’m less “spent” I’ll blog about it. In any case, we agreed that we would not make another appointment with HippyDippy unless we needed, but agreed as a couple to schedule on our own, private times to chat about our healing and issues. I will definitely do that (if we survive this week), because I think the seven weeks since our last session allowed me to add up all my issues and unleash it at him, in some ways, unfairly.

We walked out like two prize fighters, dancing around each other, avoiding eye contact. Our plans after the session was to run to a few stores to food shop in preparation for his training weekend (today through Sunday). As we walked to the cars, I told him, “I’m sorry, J” and I meant it. I felt bad that Angry Me came out and basically spewed all my pent up angst at him. He was hurt and cold toward me. He said he was going shopping alone and got in his truck and left.

I sat for a few moments then decided to go for a ride. I second guessed that and turned around and went to the damn food store because I had shit I needed for the house. I got to the store and there was his truck. FUCK. I thought he was going to the big warehouse store thing! So, I hiked up my big girl pants and went it and collected the items we needed. All the while, I was looking around for him. Didn’t see him. Which was odd, because I went down every damn aisle practically with my list. At checkout, I thought I’d see him. Nope. OK, no problem — I got back to my car, passing his truck, verifying it was his, and it was. I sat and decided to wait and see if he saw me and was avoiding me? Not sure. As soon as  he exited the store, I left and went home. While I was unpacking the car, he pulled in and went to unload the packages. I told him, “I have it” and he put his hands up and walked back to his.

We avoided each other pretty well until I was ready for bed. I had been getting up at 4am to jump on conference calls with London and was just exhausted, physically and emotionally. As I went to bed, he got up and was about to leave the room. I just said, “Listen, I know you don’t want to talk, but I just want to go to bed.” 

He stopped and said, “I just don’t know if I can emotionally satisfy you! I think we are making progress and then you smear me for 45 minutes in therapy! It says to me that you are lying constantly when you tell me your love me, text me you love me and then you do that?!? Can you still be married to me knowing that I’ll never satisfy you emotionally?” 

OK, let’s take a moment, ladies…a breath…a sip, a drag (whatever you’ve got handy).

WHAT DID HE JUST ASK ME AND ACCUSE ME OF? WHAT THE FUCK, WHOREFUCKER? REALLY?

OK, I’m back…

I stood there and said to him, “Yes, I guess I do want to remain married to you. I chose that since October and have been trying ever since. Let me ask you a question, can you remain faithful to me?!?” He said, “Yes, I’ve been faithful to you since October.” He then said, “Look, this is exactly what I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to talk, even in YOUR book, it says to take a timeout every now and then.” 

I then said, “Well, I just want to go to bed, we don’t have to talk now.” He said, “I don’t think you’ll be happy with that (or something to that effect).” I replied that, “Well, if you think I’m the same woman since before October, then you are mistaken. I’m different, thanks to the situation. I’m learning to live with a lot.” He then walked out and I went to bed.

Another big breath…

His alarm woke us at 5am. At that point, I went over to him and put my arm around him (he was facing away). He grabbed my arm and we just laid like that for a bit. I then rolled over to my other side. That has been our queue to spoon, which he did and we held each other for quite some time. No words, no other touching, just spooning. It was nice.

He got up, made coffee, showered and got dressed. No other words, but he came back in and kissed me goodbye and said he loved me. I endured the kiss and held back a bit. I don’t like feeling that way. I said that I loved him, too and then he left.

About a half hour later, he sent his morning text (which has been our norm since Dday). He wrote:

I Love YOU more than you could possibly know.

We need to get through this. There’s nothing for me without your love. I need your love and I need your trust.

I know I failed you and I have been trying to do whatever I can to make amends.

I then wrote back:

I love you. And that is not a lie.

I do have issues I need to get through. I guess I’m angry. At least that’s what I think I am. It’s only been 9 months. Seems long when I type that but it’s not. It’s a blink of an eye and we have come such a long way, even though you think we haven’t.

I care about everything you do and say. If I didn’t care, this marriage would be over.

Trust will come. It’s inevitable and critical to our marriage.

So, there you have it, it’s numb Friday here. I realize I’m holding on to him too tightly. He is not ready to commit and stay or leave. I have to give him space to decide what he cares about and how he will define his love for me. I’m just not sure it will be enough for me or too much for him.

Two steps forward…One step back…

Had our fifth session with HippyDippy/Janet from another planet last night. 

I was apprehensive. I was in a pissy mood before we got there. I had sent J a text around 3pm, just a simple “Boo..x” and didn’t get a response. As soon as J pulled up next to my car for the session, I knew he was also apprehensive. I was mad. He said he was too busy to text me back. I said it was okay (yes, with a bit of ‘tude’) and that I “got it”. In my head, I was thinking, well, you texted your fucking whore all damn day with her probably 3 feet from you and you couldn’t in 2+ hours find a second to send me just a “x”. 

So we sat down with heavy hearts. HippyDippy was all smiles. She said our last session was on 5.22.14 and that was six weeks (ummm, seven, but who’s counting?) and asked us how things were going. We both replied that things were going well. J was keyed up and shared that he could tell the session would go down hill because of our current tiff, which he shared. I then admitted I was pissy about it. HippyDippy asked why I was mad about it. I said that when I don’t hear from him during the day (and he usually texts me when he’s on his way home, so I thought I’d get at least that last night…but, nope), I get anxious and think that something may have happened with “her”. 

Guys, it was not a good session. He was resentful, I was hurt. You name it. HippyDippy asked what we were we doing that made things better before this issue? We replied that spending time together and communicating more was critical. HippyDippy asked if we had been having date nights. J said we had been, but I corrected him (yeah…it was that kind of session), and said that we hadn’t had many date nights at all. It had been a crazy six+ weeks (Eagle ceremony, graduation, college orientation trip, etc.). He mentioned that we had gone to see hot air balloon launch the previous weekend. I smiled and said that was a lot of fun, but honestly, that had been about it. However, doing simple errands together were like dates and I enjoyed those, just to spend time together.

[I’m writing this so I don’t forget what was said last night. My head is pounding and I just need to get this all out, so I apologize for the long post and it may be all over the place – don’t judge!]

HippyDippy says that the last session was right after EB {Evil Bitch, for those new to my story) returned to work after her “knee surgery” and based on what we said, things appear to be going well. Of course I bring up that my anxiety is every day, when he goes to work because she’s there. J then says that he doesn’t really want to talk about his day because he’ll have to mention her and he knows that causes me pain. [Yeah, it does, always will and I still want to pull every fucking hair out of her head]. I didn’t say much with that statement, neither refuting it or making it less painful. I then say, “I swallow my pride every day.” Well, J didn’t like that! I asked him what was wrong and he challenged what I said. I explained that I’m “learning to live with it” with him working with her and it’s still painful and I still believe she’s a threat to my marriage.

Things were going back/forth and we talked about how just this past week, J picked up the second book I asked him to read, probably because we were coming here. HippyDippy asked what book and I stated that it was “Not Just Friends”. She asked J what he thought of the book, and he said it helps him understand what I’m going through and wants to do anything to help me. Well, because I had a ‘tude, I asked why he waited so long to read the book (and he’s only about 27% through the book, thank you, Kindle for that stat). What was he afraid of or hesitant of? He took his time to think and articulate (“because he has to be careful not to say anything wrong” – yeah, great day for both of us). He said that everything is full of emotion since October. He doesn’t have a moment to himself with the exception of when he gets into bed. He just needs a break from all the emotion. He also said that I probably think he has all the time in the world, but he only reads a paragraph of his own book before he falls asleep. [Reality: yes, he’s been extremely busy and we are both exhausted, but he does read his fiction book(s) during the weekend and hasn’t picked up that book until the other day].

I said that I understood that, but since October, I have read everything I can get my hands on to work through this and understand what happened. I hurts me that he’s avoiding reading only the second book I’ve ever asked him to read.

[Deep breath…more coffee…conference call…walk…brb…will publish part two later this morning]