Happy Anniversary (Blog) to Moi!

One year ago, people — one year ago I decided to write about the shit my life was in! In many ways, it helped keep my sane. In other ways, I questioned it!

It honestly seems longer than one year. I am happy I wrote down “my calendar of emotions!” I really am. It helps me remember key points and turning points in my life. I have a habit of forgetting some of those (self-preservation? damn straight), so the chronicle of the events help.

Quick life update: another 2+ weeks in my cast to go. I am seriously going stir crazy! Remodel project is more than half way through! I’ll post photos soon, I promise! Marriage is going well. There are dry spells in communication, but I’m chalking it up to stress of life (broken ankle, loss of job and remodel). When I would get too “into my head” I would get up and go for a fast walk to work it out of my system. I can’t do that and it’s definitely affecting me! Yesterday, I was a bit blue. J sensed it and asked what was wrong, but I didn’t want to get into anything. I just didn’t have the energy. I can’t wait to get this friggin cast off! Today, I woke up in a better mood.

I promise it does get better. Whatever the decision you’ve made (flight or fight / stay or go), it HAS to get better!

I hope 2015 is awesome for not only me, but YOU, too!

xxoo

The Color Purple

So, my holidays were nice. My birthday was a few days before Christmas and I received from J a gorgeous diamond heart pendant necklace and heart lock and key charm for my silver bracelet. But, the best part of the gift was my birthday card from him where he really expressed some wonderful feelings and love. THAT was THE gift, in my eyes. Oh, I love the jewelry, don’t get me wrong 😉

We both had two weeks off for Christmas and New Year’s and were planning on really getting the house prepped for the big kitchen and bath remodel (slated to start on January 2nd). Well, those best laid plans really got screwed when I missed one step and broke my ankle!

Yup, I broke it and have been lying with my leg up and iced for over a week and going absolutely ape-shit crazy!

I have a lovely cast on and it’s PURPLE. I find out tomorrow with a second set of X-rays if I require surgery or not. Fingers crossed!

And typical, when it rains it pours, the remodeling/demo started last Friday and my house is a fucking war zone! Can’t cook, can’t move, sneezing from all the dust, house freezing because of all the demo, head pounding due to all the pounding but, but, but… It’s pretty awesome at the same time. Just to see my vision start to take shape into some reality (one expensive mother f’ing reality!).

I just have to LET IT GO…let the mess go, let my hair go, let me without make-up go, let me in yoga pants each and every day go, let the stress goooooooooooo!

So, how do I fill my days? Well, I read, I work (thank goodness for telecommuting and laptops), and I direct from the sofa or my bed. My house is filled with more men than I would EVER want. My family + 3–6 contractors. Yeah, lots of compassion for me (oh the little lady has a bum ankle…etc., etc.) and I’m milking every moment of it!

I still read some of the blogs and feel for each and every one of the new member’s anguish, their dealing with the holidays and all that pain brings.

So, you’ll ask how am “I” doing? The answer:  actually okay!

I just don’t have time to obsess over his infidelity much. I just don’t give a shit about Evil Bitch. Do I still wish her warts, hair loss, weight gain and her teeth to fall out? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! But, it’s not on the front burner of my mindset these days. Hasn’t been for awhile.

How has my husband been you ask? WONDERFUL. He has taken care of me like a knight/superman. He’s back at work and still takes care of me at night. Poor guy! But, I figure I’m worth it 😉

So, folks, I’m doing okay despite all the craziness of my current life!

But, I do think about all of you, my friends here and hope you are all doing well!? For those that don’t post as much, I catch up with your comments when I can. For the new ladies to this shitty sisterhood, I have some hopes for you in this new year:

  • Patience
  • Self-love
  • Self-confidence
  • Respect
  • and most importantly…TRUST

xxoo,

Tempted

So far, so good!

Nothing major to report, peeps! So far, so good.

We are getting along.

Only one trigger in a while and that was last Saturday. Was a funk for most of the day, but I eventually got over it and the next day was great.

Prepping for the kitchen and bath remodel right after the holidays and son #2 comes home from college this weekend (damn, now I have to shop and cook more – can’t wait! haha).

Just letting you all know that I’m doing fine. We are doing fine and that the further I go, the less obsessive I am.

Hugs and love to all! Please check in and let me know you are still kickin’

xxoo

Falling Back

FallBackDaylightSavings

Maybe it’s the change in clocks, but I feel as though I’m a bit “stuck” with inner dialog and anger. I’m falling back – doing what I did pre-affair.

Is it normal for recovering from infidelity? Probably. Is it fun? No, it’s not.

I had a bad day yesterday. It was Tuesday. I woke up at 4am and my mind started the replay. EB was off all last week and I was able to breathe. Yesterday, I felt the breath leave me. I hugged him when he left for work and just said, “I hate Tuesdays.” He gruffly said, “I know.”

I was in a funk all day because of it. I went into my office and brought home three boxes of crap, as we are cleaning out and preparing for the big office move. Even with all that going on, I was still preoccupied – distracted – disconnected.

Question to the BS’s out there…how long did it take for you to start having “back talk” in your mind and noticing those small things that annoy you about your spouse?

This has just started for me. I used to have it pre-affair. Twenty three years married of “little things” and grumbling under my breath at things he would do or say. I’m worried. I don’t like it.

After the affair, those little annoyances didn’t bother me. In some f’ed up way, they were endearing. I was just so happy to be together.

Now, I’m not so sure. Perhaps I’m finally out of the BS fog. You know, the honeymoon sex, the “he walks on water” and “isn’t he so hot?”  I’m not happy about it. The BS fog was nicer. It formed a bubble/cocoon that prevented the shit from becoming real.

But, what’s really bothering me is that I’m feeling a bit stuck for not knowing what he’s going to do about a new job. He keeps surfing next vacations, stupid sports scores, but not even a hint at looking for another job.

He’s smoking again, too — has been since the summer. He smoked last year and on 10/17, I threw out his pack of cigarettes, out the truck window. He quit cold turkey then. Weird how I remember all the specific dates of things that week. But, I’m sure we all do to some extent…

Guess who also smokes? Yup, Ms. Evil Bitch. Oh, but “they don’t usually smoke alone.” Another person “almost always joins them.”

I resent both of these things: no new job and smoking.

I think that’s part of my pent-up anger and it’s going to boil over soon.

I’m scared, guys. I’m scared that he won’t find another job and that will be it for us. I think I’ve swallowed enough pride and paid my dues from my past sins. At least, I think I have. He must still be punishing me. I just can’t imagine what his motive(s) are if he isn’t.

We are getting the remodeling done. Final things selected and it should be full remodel mode by early December. All I am thinking lately is…well, it will be good for resale because I don’t know if we’ll be here much longer.

Sigh

Didn’t think my heart could break anymore. I was wrong. It just keeps breaking a little each and every day.

A Year Ago Today

My husband had intercourse with the Evil Bitch a year ago today.

I know this specifically because he wrote it in a letter to me last November. His timeline of his affair.

Was it the first time they had sex? No. You see, to a woman, sex is defined by any sexual touch. To men, sex is defined by intercourse. I don’t know the specific date they had “sex” – he doesn’t recall. After all, it was “dozens of times” (they touched, kissed and other things). Yeah, that makes me feel so much better…

Therefore, it was more than one year ago he had “sex” with her in my mind.

How do I feel today? What am I doing?

Well, I feel distant about it. Not really hurting horribly. I guess a bit numb. Time helps. Our progress in healing has helped. My attitude helps.

Do I still want to rip every hair out of her head and break her teeth? Youbetcha!

Where is my husband today? Well, he’s on his way to a big college football (American football) game with his brother. He won’t be home until late tonight. Tailgating is a sport in itself around here.

Does my husband have any idea what day is today and what it means? Probably not.

However, he is very aware how many days it is until we leave for Bermuda. He has been counting those days down since two+ weeks ago. I’m happy about that. It makes me feel loved and hopeful.

So, instead of wallowing in any self pity, I’ve got plans to get myself out of the house.

First, mani/pedi – it’s time for some dark nails to ring in the autumn weather! After that, my girlfriend and I will walk around a nearby town’s cheese festival (yes, it is festival season, after all). Then, I will take my oldest son out for a great dinner. And then, at the end of the night, I’ll probably watch some soppy chick flick and ball my eyes out as an excuse to let it all out.

Will I throw the date in my husband’s face? No. I won’t mention it. It’s one of the many wounds I will carry for the rest of my days.

So, chin up, getting my ass up and starting my day.

Happy September 13th, everyone…