I couldn’t have stopped it

Stop, in the name of love

Stop, in the name of love

So, the weekend before last, lying in bed before turning the light out I had one of those friggin’ Oprah “Uh-huh” moments. It hit me right in the face. They don’t happen often and especially since his affair, I can’t remember shit! (Advanced apologies…this will be filled with curse words).

Let me back up a bit.

That day was spent backing up my old phone in preparation of getting the new iPhone (yes, I’m back to an iPhone and it should behave a lot better than the S5).

I had gotten to the realization that the new phone would not be my “Dday” phone, but my Dday+1 year phone. Meaning, I wasn’t going to port over all my old messages to the new phone and still live in the past. Nope, wasn’t going to do it. So, I backed up (in multiple ways, just in case) the messages of denial and then admission and then love and recovery for the past 12 months. There were a lot between my husband and I! Definitely more than what he had texted with EB (Evil Bitch for you new comers).

So, after backing up, I took a stroll down memory lane and read the before Dday texts. I started to place more of my mental timeline together. Things were falling into the cracks and it was making more sense.

Fast forward to bedtime, and it hit me. There wasn’t anything I could have done to prevent him having the affair and fucking her! Yeah…I know, I know!!!! But, here me out.

Case in point, The night before he fucked her, we made love and he gave me a hickey (sorry, TMI, but what the hell…). Yeah, that hadn’t happened in a long time. I don’t recall it (the sex) being extra wonderful, but it was good enough for a hickey. Hell, he could have been imagining her for all I know!

I thought back on other dates and I really think he was so messed up that he was determined to fuck her. Their texting was in a frenzy leading up to that day and at this point, if I showed up naked at his office door, he would have pushed me aside and fucked her instead.

So, that night, lying in bed, I got real quiet. It was an epiphany. He asked what was up and I told him that I realized no matter what, he was going to cheat. I couldn’t have prevented it. I told him that we made love the night before. I was powerless and didn’t even know it.

What did he say? NOT A FUCKING THING. Crickets had more to say than this husband of mine.

In a weird way, it was rather freeing. For 12 months I blamed myself for part of the affair. For being “distant” at times, blah, blah, fucking blah….

Not anymore. His mind and his dick were made up. And it’s ALL on him and not me! Not that part of the relationship. I’ll own my dissatisfaction with the marriage back then, but not his affair.

Anyway, I thought I’d share that fact and see if any of you felt the same way?

A Year Ago Today

My husband had intercourse with the Evil Bitch a year ago today.

I know this specifically because he wrote it in a letter to me last November. His timeline of his affair.

Was it the first time they had sex? No. You see, to a woman, sex is defined by any sexual touch. To men, sex is defined by intercourse. I don’t know the specific date they had “sex” – he doesn’t recall. After all, it was “dozens of times” (they touched, kissed and other things). Yeah, that makes me feel so much better…

Therefore, it was more than one year ago he had “sex” with her in my mind.

How do I feel today? What am I doing?

Well, I feel distant about it. Not really hurting horribly. I guess a bit numb. Time helps. Our progress in healing has helped. My attitude helps.

Do I still want to rip every hair out of her head and break her teeth? Youbetcha!

Where is my husband today? Well, he’s on his way to a big college football (American football) game with his brother. He won’t be home until late tonight. Tailgating is a sport in itself around here.

Does my husband have any idea what day is today and what it means? Probably not.

However, he is very aware how many days it is until we leave for Bermuda. He has been counting those days down since two+ weeks ago. I’m happy about that. It makes me feel loved and hopeful.

So, instead of wallowing in any self pity, I’ve got plans to get myself out of the house.

First, mani/pedi – it’s time for some dark nails to ring in the autumn weather! After that, my girlfriend and I will walk around a nearby town’s cheese festival (yes, it is festival season, after all). Then, I will take my oldest son out for a great dinner. And then, at the end of the night, I’ll probably watch some soppy chick flick and ball my eyes out as an excuse to let it all out.

Will I throw the date in my husband’s face? No. I won’t mention it. It’s one of the many wounds I will carry for the rest of my days.

So, chin up, getting my ass up and starting my day.

Happy September 13th, everyone…

A Grilling or Trickling?

woman-grilling

 

OR

trickling_water

Weird title, I know. But, here’s my question to the cheaters and the betrayeds:

Would you want to grill your spouse for a day/night and just hash out all the shit, the tension, the “I’m too scared to ask / I’m to scared to answer” questions or would you rather live with trickling truth?

I’m getting to the point that I want to baby step toward forgiveness, but I still have some questions that, at this point in my “recovery” I believe important. In the scheme of things, they probably aren’t, but now they are. It’s almost a hurdle I have to jump over to get “there”.

Here’s my thinking. There have been times when J has thrown my past in my face as a deflection or just to hurt me. I know he still harbors hurt from my infidelity. Of course he does! But, he says he’s moved on. I don’t believe him. I think he has “moved on” in order for me to mirror him and not put him on the hot seat. Self-preservation tactic.

I would like to schedule a night away at a hotel, order enough rum and wine and just have at it. Get it out, off our chests, in our faces and just answer the damn questions or respond to accusations. Settle the multiple scores.

I feel it’s still a festering wound and this shit will eventually come to the surface, but not in the best or most prepared way.

What do you think? Have you done it? (Besides the midnight – 4am grillings we all have been through). What has your experience been? Either way. Thanks! xxoo

Article: Why Men Cheat (Elle Magazine, May 2013)

Came across this article while reviewing my husband’s browser history on his computer yesterday. Yes, I still do that. I will for awhile. 

I was at first scared that he read this recently, UNTIL I read the article. For me, it was insightful. Helped me understand a little more.

http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/why-men-cheat

Anyway, let me know what you think. The comments at the bottom of the article are interesting as well.

Time for work…

 

Don’t let infidelity define you, but REFINE you!

I’m writing this post as a dedication to those people who are feeling so hurt from their partner’s infidelity. I want them to know they are amazing people and worthy of great love and respect.

Don’t let your partner’s infidelity define you, but refine you. Evolve, become someone greater, better and happier.

I remember Ivana Trump’s famous line, “Don’t get mad, get everything!” That always made me chuckle. She was going through a very public, very expensive divorce. That’s not the reason I chose the quote. I admired her for keeping her head up and rising above Donald’s infidelities.

What does “everything” mean to you? To me, it means happiness. That word is an open word left to translation by the individual.

For me, happiness is on my path. I could take many paths, but I choose happiness. I want to see my children grown, married, happy and raising their children. I want to travel, experience many cultures and enjoy those adventures with my husband. That’s my chosen path–happiness.

I choose me.