More Questions…Some Answers

For those of you followers out there in Blogland, you may be aware that I still have some questions for my husband regarding his infidelity. I apologize in advance for the long post. I’m just too damn lazy to split it up in more than one post!

Yesterday morning started like normal, but my phone decided to mess with my mind. Usually, when J gets to work, he texts me, usually with a lovely IM. Yesterday, my phone didn’t show his most recent message but the very beginning of his messages, dating back to October 14, 2013. My Dday. His Dday. The day he broke my heart.

So, what did I do? I read all his messages since then! There are probably 2,000+ What did that do to my head? It kicked it. It put it in a vise. Thank you, Samsung, for messing with a fragile ego.

Anyway, an hour+ later — yeah, that long…I wrote him back and got out of bed and started my day.

My day was spent in the past and the present. I can’t really plan the future. No, not there, yet. Are you? Can you see your future yet, YaYa Sisters?

After dinner, he was washing dishes and made a comment about something, but started with “I don’t know if you said it or I heard it from someone else, but…blahdeblahdeblah…” I replied, “No, you didn’t hear it from me, must have been someone else.”

Well, that didn’t go over so well with J! He turned around and asked if I was implying that he heard it from K [aka Evil Bitch]? I shrugged my shoulders and didn’t answer. He said, “At least be honest and admit it.” I replied, “Well, I don’t know what you talk about with her during the day, so who knows?”

We settled on the couch later and he mentioned my comment earlier and asked why I wasn’t being honest? This started a session of questions and some answers…He opened the door (more like window), right?

I’m trying to remember everything that I asked and his “answers” but I’m having a hard time.

I stated that I don’t understand why EB remains at her job. If I was in her shoes, I would have moved on and found another job. Out of respect of me and our marriage, that’s what she should do. [On a private side note, I know HE’S not going to change jobs. It’s a good job. He’s the manager. He does love his job. He’s made that perfectly clear.]

[You are all going to love his reply…wait for it…wait for it…] He said that he doesn’t understand my thinking. Why would she want to leave? Why should she respect me?

You’d be proud. I didn’t lose my shit. Actually, scratch that. You are probably all disappointed! I knew that if I lost my composure, I wouldn’t get any answers.

I said that since he’s clearly not leaving his job, the decent thing to do is for her to leave it. It doesn’t pay that great. She really doesn’t need the money [I’ve seen her B posts – lake house, boat, motorcycle, two grown boys out of school and just bought a beach house in Florida – yet, he doesn’t seem to know this much about her and I didn’t divulge the details]. He disagreed and said I was wrong. He said that the job is 3 minutes from her home and super convenient. Why would she leave that?

So, I explained my earlier reply that I’m still scared. I don’t know what their relationship is like now and what they talk about. I have never met her, never spoke to her so all I have his “word” and it’s hard for me to believe him because he lied to me for so long.

He replied that their conversations were innocuous and nothing to even remember. [I believe that now]. I challenged him and asked if she’s flirtatious and/or makes any comments that would indicate her interest in him. He said, “No, she doesn’t at all. It’s as if she looks at their past as a ‘fling’ and nothing more.” I then said that it doesn’t make sense. No woman would remain at a job if she didn’t still have feelings. He disagreed. Said that she doesn’t and neither does he.

He said that he’s being honest. And he doesn’t understand why I keep bringing up the past. However, if it helps me, he will answer my questions. I nodded. I said that it’s hard for me still. But, I see that he’s back, he’s the man I married. Last year, he was not. He was different, angry and mean at times. I don’t think he liked my comment. [What else is new?]

He said that we weren’t getting along at all last year. We argued (which we did, but only a few times). He asked if I remembered the email I sent him? I said that I did and I also remember he never acknowledged it. The email was the result of one of our arguments. I apologized but also called out his shitty behavior. He never acknowledged it and I was too proud to mention it again. That has been our issue, we never knew how to fight and then resolve our differences. We would skirt around them, say hurtful things, I’d apologize first (always), and then act like nothing was the matter. He went on to say we were not getting along. I didn’t agree. I thought we were. [Afterall, he was texting/sexting me at the same damn time as he was sexting his work whore]. Yes, our sex life sucked last year. I was suffering from a back injury, went through physical therapy, then started with a personal trainer. I was rebounding. The summer was okay. He was not. He was still short tempered, working later, going in earlier, working Saturdays and some Sundays. Yeah, he was a fucking saint!

What really shocked me was his view of our relationship last year. He thought we were on the out! I asked him if he was seriously thinking our marriage was in trouble. He did! Wow, I guess I was in another marriage! I was in love with my husband and thought we were in a rut. We started doing some things together. I remember going on a hike with him in a near by park (pretty famous in our area…very historical…with an old revolutionary town that is in ruins to explore, etc.) That was September 29th. I remember he was texting as we were stuck in traffic. There was a beerfest going on, hence the traffic. He said it was a guy from work and then other friends. I never thought otherwise. We enjoyed our day. My back was on the mend and I was getting stronger. I took a lot of photos of the views, ruins, etc. It was fun. The night before, we went out on a dinner date, just the two of us. I had just booked our anniversary trip up to Lake Placid. Anyway, you see…I thought we were doing better. Along this same timeline, he was still sexting her. They hadn’t decided to call it off at this point, a week before our anniversary.

Sorry for the digression…but, it really gobsmacked me (love being able to use the word “gobsmacked”) that he thought our marriage wouldn’t survive. Wow, I just had a moment. One of those damn Oprah A-huh Moments. Did he start his affair as a way out of our marriage? Wow. How dense can I be? You see, I have to find the root cause of everything. I’m a problem solver. There HAS to be an explanation for everything! I suppose I’m not very religious. I will always be a cynic. I will always question everything. WHY AM I SO FUCKING STUPID ABOUT MY OWN LIFE? GRRR!

I questioned further. I asked him if he thought of his life divorced? He said he did! I asked if his father’s inheritance was a justification for his thinking? Meaning, was he planning on taking the money and running? I couldn’t give a shit about the money. But, we have two men children to educate. The youngest just started last week. I make more money than he does. Probably part of his issues, but not mine. It’s ours, it’s for our family. He said he didn’t. That he was going to give me all the money because the boys would live with me. (Wow, thanks for thinking of us, dear…very THOUGHTFUL of you!). He said that he is still very uncomfortable speaking with me during our work day. He can “hear how depressed” I am in my voice. That made me stop and think he doesn’t really get my pain. I’m not just depressed. My heart is broken. What a fuckhead! Seriously? You motherfucker! I cheated on you 14 years ago. You went through this! And yet I’m just “depressed”? FUCK YOU! Again, I kept my cool. I knew if I lost it, this window would close. 

It was at this point I told him about my Bad Dreams (see earlier post). I said that I never thought of divorce. I couldn’t imagine our lives separate. We said some more things, back and forth. We kept our heads. My heart broke a little more. We hugged. I softly called him an idiot. 

We went to bed last night feeling just okay. I was still processing and replaying everything he said. Aligning it to my mental timeline. Reeling in the revelation that he really thought we wouldn’t survive last year. 

Today is a better day. We woke up in the best way possible – with a lovely morning delight. 

No, I can’t think of a tomorrow just yet. I can only think of today and replay yesterday, over and over in my head, searching for answers.

She’s older looking than I thought

So, Evil Bitch has been a busy Facebook girl. She’s posted photos of her weekend antics with her hubby over the last few weeks, and one of them was her 28th wedding anniversary (July 20th, btw, if you all want to send her a card). Yeah, 28 years married. Oh, and her birthday was just a few days ago and she’s 50! 

But, the point of this pointless post is my reaction to her photos. I was shocked, to be honest. Here’s my caddy list about the bitch:

1. She’s older looking than I thought

2. She’s got a lot of wrinkles

3. Her teeth are stained

4. She spends too much time in the sun

5. Her hair color is really a bad choice (bad, bad bottle blonde)

6. She wears old lady glasses

I’ll add more as I think of them…For now, that’s good enough. I thought that my husband chose to fuck that? Really? Sure, she’s slim, but she looks like she smokes 3 packs a day and she looks like a human prune. Whatever!

The other thing I noticed is that her husband is such a fool. He looks happy because he doesn’t know any better. What a poor soul. He doesn’t know he’s married to such an old whore.

One step FORWARD?

OK, I feel like I’m CNN with all these “Breaking News” posts today — for that, I apologize! But, this is my f’ed up life!

J came home from work early to pack for his weekend training trip (sounds shady, but it’s not, I know he’s with a bunch of scout leaders and what he’ll be doing…).

He gave me a hug right away and said he loved me. I hugged him back, told him I loved him but think I’m holding on too tight and need step back a bit, to give him room to decide what he wants and to give him the space he needs. He immediately said that is not what he wanted, that he wants to be with me all the time. I scared him, I think. And with that jolt, he started to open up.

He said that he feels like he’s being punished, and he gets that, but it’s a lot. He said that for “years” I lied to him, not giving him my computer passwords, etc. and now he’s being honest. Has been honest since October. He can’t imagine what answers I’m looking for. That he knows that he did this to us and he knows he deserves it, but it seems that I’m punishing him and it’s out of proportion to how he treated me when I cheated. He said that he understands a lot of our issues is because he works with her. He would probably react the same way if I worked with the OM. He’s right! He’s absofreakinlutely right. And I told him that. It may be a lot and I am really hurting.

But, I asked how could I be sure he’s being honest now? I don’t trust him, yet. I said I don’t trust HER. I asked him why would a woman return to a minimum wage job when she didn’t have to? His response (which I hated, btw) was, “It’s a great place to work and they enjoy working there.” Yeah, got that, hon, but you missed my point. I said, “Well, I’m speaking as a jealous wife and I don’t trust her. If she is working on her marriage, why would she want to work with you still?” He said that she doesn’t have to work on her marriage because her husband doesn’t know anything. I said, “Well, isn’t that shame? Poor guy.” [HA! Snarky response, I know] I repeated that I don’t trust her and that her reason to remain in the workplace doesn’t add up and I think she still likes him. He said he wouldn’t know, he’s never going to ask her, he doesn’t want to know. Privately, I thought, “Don’t worry, hon, I’ve got your back — I’ll ask the bitch.”

Anyway, the big moment…the big breakdown came.

He started to get desperate, exasperated and said, “I feel like I want to drive into a bridge abutment or off the bridge. That’s how I feel right now. I just can’t take this. Like you’ll be better off without me!” He then walked downstairs to the basement and I followed, trying to get my grip.

For many on here who don’t know my backstory, hearing a loved one say that is scary, especially to me because my oldest son is bipolar and had suicidal thoughts at 17. Many years of therapy and medication we are five years past that time in our lives and he’s doing very well. You can imagine where my head went and how I needed to get myself together to respond.

So, I grabbed him by face and made him look at me and told him, “No, it wouldn’t be better for us, especially for me! You are the love of my life and I couldn’t survive without you!” He hugged me and kissed me and we started to sob. Both of us. It was very cleansing. It was a turning point for us. He apologized for doing this to us. He hugged me, told me he loved me. I did the same and apologized again for hurting him so much and I loved him.

We got ourselves together and were able to do what we had to get him packed and on the road. Since then, he’s called me twice while driving. Just for piddly shit, but still nice to hear his voice. Yeah, I’m thinking about that bridge on his ride. The Hudson River is a big river with a big bridge. He sounds good and more composed. I’m counting the minutes until he reaches his destination so I can calm down. God, I’m tired, already, ladies.

I just realized what today is. It’s 9 months since I texted him if he had a crush on EB. Nine months ago, I was lying in bed, scared out of my mind, knowing that he was doing something bad. Knowing he had an inappropriate relationship with another woman. Nine months ago, he was in pure denial and deflect mode. Lie after lie I was fed that day. And the next and the next…

I feel mentally numb like that day. But, there’s a difference, I have a shred of hope today, ladies. 

I really do…x

 

Two steps forward…One step back…

Had our fifth session with HippyDippy/Janet from another planet last night. 

I was apprehensive. I was in a pissy mood before we got there. I had sent J a text around 3pm, just a simple “Boo..x” and didn’t get a response. As soon as J pulled up next to my car for the session, I knew he was also apprehensive. I was mad. He said he was too busy to text me back. I said it was okay (yes, with a bit of ‘tude’) and that I “got it”. In my head, I was thinking, well, you texted your fucking whore all damn day with her probably 3 feet from you and you couldn’t in 2+ hours find a second to send me just a “x”. 

So we sat down with heavy hearts. HippyDippy was all smiles. She said our last session was on 5.22.14 and that was six weeks (ummm, seven, but who’s counting?) and asked us how things were going. We both replied that things were going well. J was keyed up and shared that he could tell the session would go down hill because of our current tiff, which he shared. I then admitted I was pissy about it. HippyDippy asked why I was mad about it. I said that when I don’t hear from him during the day (and he usually texts me when he’s on his way home, so I thought I’d get at least that last night…but, nope), I get anxious and think that something may have happened with “her”. 

Guys, it was not a good session. He was resentful, I was hurt. You name it. HippyDippy asked what we were we doing that made things better before this issue? We replied that spending time together and communicating more was critical. HippyDippy asked if we had been having date nights. J said we had been, but I corrected him (yeah…it was that kind of session), and said that we hadn’t had many date nights at all. It had been a crazy six+ weeks (Eagle ceremony, graduation, college orientation trip, etc.). He mentioned that we had gone to see hot air balloon launch the previous weekend. I smiled and said that was a lot of fun, but honestly, that had been about it. However, doing simple errands together were like dates and I enjoyed those, just to spend time together.

[I’m writing this so I don’t forget what was said last night. My head is pounding and I just need to get this all out, so I apologize for the long post and it may be all over the place – don’t judge!]

HippyDippy says that the last session was right after EB {Evil Bitch, for those new to my story) returned to work after her “knee surgery” and based on what we said, things appear to be going well. Of course I bring up that my anxiety is every day, when he goes to work because she’s there. J then says that he doesn’t really want to talk about his day because he’ll have to mention her and he knows that causes me pain. [Yeah, it does, always will and I still want to pull every fucking hair out of her head]. I didn’t say much with that statement, neither refuting it or making it less painful. I then say, “I swallow my pride every day.” Well, J didn’t like that! I asked him what was wrong and he challenged what I said. I explained that I’m “learning to live with it” with him working with her and it’s still painful and I still believe she’s a threat to my marriage.

Things were going back/forth and we talked about how just this past week, J picked up the second book I asked him to read, probably because we were coming here. HippyDippy asked what book and I stated that it was “Not Just Friends”. She asked J what he thought of the book, and he said it helps him understand what I’m going through and wants to do anything to help me. Well, because I had a ‘tude, I asked why he waited so long to read the book (and he’s only about 27% through the book, thank you, Kindle for that stat). What was he afraid of or hesitant of? He took his time to think and articulate (“because he has to be careful not to say anything wrong” – yeah, great day for both of us). He said that everything is full of emotion since October. He doesn’t have a moment to himself with the exception of when he gets into bed. He just needs a break from all the emotion. He also said that I probably think he has all the time in the world, but he only reads a paragraph of his own book before he falls asleep. [Reality: yes, he’s been extremely busy and we are both exhausted, but he does read his fiction book(s) during the weekend and hasn’t picked up that book until the other day].

I said that I understood that, but since October, I have read everything I can get my hands on to work through this and understand what happened. I hurts me that he’s avoiding reading only the second book I’ve ever asked him to read.

[Deep breath…more coffee…conference call…walk…brb…will publish part two later this morning]

 

STOP THE PRESSES…he started reading book #2!

Yes, ladies, the husband has FINALLY started to read, “NOT ‘Just Friends’” last night!

It’s a fucking miracle!

Oh wait, maybe it’s because we are going to counseling on Thursday? Maybe???

Regardless, it is PROGRESS!

With that revelation last night, I asked how “work” was going. That’s code for, “Is there anything new with the fucking whore that I should be worried about?”

He said there wasn’t. That he was actually avoiding working directly with her or avoiding any type of personal conversations. GREAT! That is progress, too! I thanked him and said that this may have been the first time that he made a conscious, desired effort to separate from her. I said that he probably has done so for a past few months. But during the fall and winter, that wasn’t the case. He was resentful of me for being upset when she contacted him, etc. He said that after they ended it, they still texted, but didn’t sext. It changed, but it wasn’t “innocent” texts. No shit, Sherlocke. Like you texting her while on our anniversary trip! Thank you, that is a scar that won’t ever heal.

I then followed those tidbits with some questions. He at first said, “As I’ve answered these before…” I stopped him then. I said that he has to realize that I will ask these questions more than once because I needed to – because I may not have remembered everything he said post Dday because I was fucking traumatized. He acknowledged that and changed his tone and words. It was good! 

I asked if he had any feelings for her. He said no, he didn’t. I asked if she ever had feelings for him. He said that he didn’t think so. (Personally, she must have. However, I will find that out when I speak to her personally at some point in the future). 

He used the words, “The one and only time we had sex…”. Ladies, that bothered me. For men, I guess intercourse = sex? WTF? They had oral and masterbation before that. THAT IS SEX, GENTLEMEN…THAT IS SEX! For fuck’s sake!

I said, “Well, she was the one who ended it.” He said, “It was a mutual decision, she may have said it first, but I immediately agreed that we would have to stop or we’ll get caught.” That was their reason to stop. They’d get caught. I refrained from saying, “Oh, but you wanted to continue having sex with her, didn’t you? You said you would have if I never discovered it.”

Anyway, it was a decent exchange. I didn’t get upset, not really. My heart rate definitely increased during it (fear), but overall, I kept it together. 

I thanked him for reading (didn’t use the word “FINALLY”) the book. He said he was going to do anything I needed him to do. Really? How about firing the whore’s ass? I mean, how about that? (Yes, I know, he can’t…but wish he could!!!!).

Anyway, it’s progress, ladies. I’m hoping the more he reads the fucking book, the more things “dawn on him” and he understands the fragility of our situation – STILL.

I’ll write post counseling session. Wish me luck! xxoo

 

Is It Okay to Hate the Other Woman?

Is it okay to feel hate for the other woman?

Is it okay to verbalize your hate of the other woman?

Is it okay to verbalize your hate of the other woman to your husband with vehemence?

I say, FUCK YEAH!

I say, HELL YEAH!

I say, NO SHIT SHERLOCK!

And my husband can go fuck himself if he doesn’t like it!

And for those who are asking themselves how I can possibly throw stones, I can, aimed directly at me. The fact is I hope my AP’s wife hates me. I fucking deserve it! I knowingly entered into an affair with a married man. I didn’t care about his wife. I only cared about ME. It was wrong and this is my penance, I suppose.

Anyway, I still hate Evil Bitch and I hope she gets hers really soon.

Thank you, this was a public service announcement.