More Comfortable

This morning, my husband hugged me before he left for work and said that he’s “more comfortable” with me now and would answer any of my questions that I have. For those who don’t recall, I stated that I had a myriad of questions to still ask him and just wanted to “hash it all out and get them off my chest.” This moment was unprovoked and took me pleasantly off guard!

Let me back up about 8 hours or so: We went to bed last night and I was toast (not toasted but just toast – tired and ready to sleep). As I was closing my eyes, I noticed that my husband was reading on his Kindle the book I asked him to months before, “Not Just Friends.” I was shocked. He started it 3+ weeks ago (the night before our last marriage counseling session) and hadn’t picked it up since, until last night. I dozed on and off for a bit and kept opening one eye to see if he was still reading it, on his own volition and not just for “show”. I didn’t say a word. Didn’t want to acknowledge it or make it a big deal.

We woke up early because I had a 6am call with London (yeah, welcome back from vacation!!!!). We were happy and loving, even for a Tuesday! Remember, Tuesdays suck for me because it’s his first day of the work week and he’s back to working with EB.

Today was different. Normally, I don’t sleep well on Monday nights, thinking of him/her. Last night, I was OK…I mean, I logically thought about it but wasn’t upset or fretting about it. It’s like a deeper level of acceptance without reticence. Just acknowledgement and nothing more.

Of course, I haven’t told him this yet. I want to see if it’s just a passing thought / phase. If it lasts, I’ll tell him. It would prove I am healing more. Guess I’m gun shy right now. Time will tell.

So, my thought this morning after he left and while I was on my call was…WHAT TOOK YOU SO FUCKING LONG? But, my second thought was, MEN ALWAYS TAKE TOO LONG TO COME AROUND.

It’s frustrating but promising. I can’t force his role in healing our marriage. Either he wants to or doesn’t. I just have to give it time. Just like I need him to give me time to heal, i have to do the same and be more patient. 

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

And another step back…

This is part 2 of my post from this morning.

Just back from my walk and work is done for the day (love half day Fridays!).

Where I left off, back in HippyDippy’s office:

Based on the discussion about the book, I said that I felt comfortable asking the questions (in my previous post: https://temptedblog.wordpress.com/2014/07/09/stop-the-presseshe-started-reading-book-2/). And then I dropped the bomb, ladies… 

I said that I am feeling a bit stuck and that I have more questions. J looked like I had a loaded gun pointed at his head. He said that he couldn’t imagine anything else for me to ask about, unless it’s about details, and that wouldn’t be a good idea. I said I wanted to rip the bandaid off and hash it all out. Have him ask me questions and so on so I can really know everything and get this behind me. HippyDippy did a lot of nodding and smiling. J was a bit freaked out. She asked if J needs notice to help prepare himself for this type of questioning? I said that I wouldn’t want to do it as a spur of the moment but would like to take the time it deserves. She nodded some more. I believe she was waiting to hear J agree to it (which he didn’t). It just hung out there like a fart, frankly. Sigh…

Then she switched gears and actually said something USEFUL! She said that since it’s his choice to not look for another job, he has to understand my anxiety and that constant communication with me is helpful to re-establish trust. I loved that she used the phrase, “his choice” because, this entire situation is because of his choice!

We then talked about our upcoming trip to the beach house (next week) and that he’s unsure if it’s a good idea, and then he said, “Especially now, because it seems I’m not doing anything right. I thought we have come so far and then I come here and see that we haven’t.” He then explained that at the beach house last year is where he started to text EB and it will bring up bad memories for me. I said that this entire summer is one long trigger! But, I was looking forward to being away with him and the kids, reclaiming our place and making new memories (while, I’m praying it’s not the last time we enjoy the beach house as a family because it may be the last time we are one!).

I’m trying to remember everything that was said and I’m having a hard time. I’m sure, when I’m less “spent” I’ll blog about it. In any case, we agreed that we would not make another appointment with HippyDippy unless we needed, but agreed as a couple to schedule on our own, private times to chat about our healing and issues. I will definitely do that (if we survive this week), because I think the seven weeks since our last session allowed me to add up all my issues and unleash it at him, in some ways, unfairly.

We walked out like two prize fighters, dancing around each other, avoiding eye contact. Our plans after the session was to run to a few stores to food shop in preparation for his training weekend (today through Sunday). As we walked to the cars, I told him, “I’m sorry, J” and I meant it. I felt bad that Angry Me came out and basically spewed all my pent up angst at him. He was hurt and cold toward me. He said he was going shopping alone and got in his truck and left.

I sat for a few moments then decided to go for a ride. I second guessed that and turned around and went to the damn food store because I had shit I needed for the house. I got to the store and there was his truck. FUCK. I thought he was going to the big warehouse store thing! So, I hiked up my big girl pants and went it and collected the items we needed. All the while, I was looking around for him. Didn’t see him. Which was odd, because I went down every damn aisle practically with my list. At checkout, I thought I’d see him. Nope. OK, no problem — I got back to my car, passing his truck, verifying it was his, and it was. I sat and decided to wait and see if he saw me and was avoiding me? Not sure. As soon as  he exited the store, I left and went home. While I was unpacking the car, he pulled in and went to unload the packages. I told him, “I have it” and he put his hands up and walked back to his.

We avoided each other pretty well until I was ready for bed. I had been getting up at 4am to jump on conference calls with London and was just exhausted, physically and emotionally. As I went to bed, he got up and was about to leave the room. I just said, “Listen, I know you don’t want to talk, but I just want to go to bed.” 

He stopped and said, “I just don’t know if I can emotionally satisfy you! I think we are making progress and then you smear me for 45 minutes in therapy! It says to me that you are lying constantly when you tell me your love me, text me you love me and then you do that?!? Can you still be married to me knowing that I’ll never satisfy you emotionally?” 

OK, let’s take a moment, ladies…a breath…a sip, a drag (whatever you’ve got handy).

WHAT DID HE JUST ASK ME AND ACCUSE ME OF? WHAT THE FUCK, WHOREFUCKER? REALLY?

OK, I’m back…

I stood there and said to him, “Yes, I guess I do want to remain married to you. I chose that since October and have been trying ever since. Let me ask you a question, can you remain faithful to me?!?” He said, “Yes, I’ve been faithful to you since October.” He then said, “Look, this is exactly what I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to talk, even in YOUR book, it says to take a timeout every now and then.” 

I then said, “Well, I just want to go to bed, we don’t have to talk now.” He said, “I don’t think you’ll be happy with that (or something to that effect).” I replied that, “Well, if you think I’m the same woman since before October, then you are mistaken. I’m different, thanks to the situation. I’m learning to live with a lot.” He then walked out and I went to bed.

Another big breath…

His alarm woke us at 5am. At that point, I went over to him and put my arm around him (he was facing away). He grabbed my arm and we just laid like that for a bit. I then rolled over to my other side. That has been our queue to spoon, which he did and we held each other for quite some time. No words, no other touching, just spooning. It was nice.

He got up, made coffee, showered and got dressed. No other words, but he came back in and kissed me goodbye and said he loved me. I endured the kiss and held back a bit. I don’t like feeling that way. I said that I loved him, too and then he left.

About a half hour later, he sent his morning text (which has been our norm since Dday). He wrote:

I Love YOU more than you could possibly know.

We need to get through this. There’s nothing for me without your love. I need your love and I need your trust.

I know I failed you and I have been trying to do whatever I can to make amends.

I then wrote back:

I love you. And that is not a lie.

I do have issues I need to get through. I guess I’m angry. At least that’s what I think I am. It’s only been 9 months. Seems long when I type that but it’s not. It’s a blink of an eye and we have come such a long way, even though you think we haven’t.

I care about everything you do and say. If I didn’t care, this marriage would be over.

Trust will come. It’s inevitable and critical to our marriage.

So, there you have it, it’s numb Friday here. I realize I’m holding on to him too tightly. He is not ready to commit and stay or leave. I have to give him space to decide what he cares about and how he will define his love for me. I’m just not sure it will be enough for me or too much for him.

Two steps forward…One step back…

Had our fifth session with HippyDippy/Janet from another planet last night. 

I was apprehensive. I was in a pissy mood before we got there. I had sent J a text around 3pm, just a simple “Boo..x” and didn’t get a response. As soon as J pulled up next to my car for the session, I knew he was also apprehensive. I was mad. He said he was too busy to text me back. I said it was okay (yes, with a bit of ‘tude’) and that I “got it”. In my head, I was thinking, well, you texted your fucking whore all damn day with her probably 3 feet from you and you couldn’t in 2+ hours find a second to send me just a “x”. 

So we sat down with heavy hearts. HippyDippy was all smiles. She said our last session was on 5.22.14 and that was six weeks (ummm, seven, but who’s counting?) and asked us how things were going. We both replied that things were going well. J was keyed up and shared that he could tell the session would go down hill because of our current tiff, which he shared. I then admitted I was pissy about it. HippyDippy asked why I was mad about it. I said that when I don’t hear from him during the day (and he usually texts me when he’s on his way home, so I thought I’d get at least that last night…but, nope), I get anxious and think that something may have happened with “her”. 

Guys, it was not a good session. He was resentful, I was hurt. You name it. HippyDippy asked what we were we doing that made things better before this issue? We replied that spending time together and communicating more was critical. HippyDippy asked if we had been having date nights. J said we had been, but I corrected him (yeah…it was that kind of session), and said that we hadn’t had many date nights at all. It had been a crazy six+ weeks (Eagle ceremony, graduation, college orientation trip, etc.). He mentioned that we had gone to see hot air balloon launch the previous weekend. I smiled and said that was a lot of fun, but honestly, that had been about it. However, doing simple errands together were like dates and I enjoyed those, just to spend time together.

[I’m writing this so I don’t forget what was said last night. My head is pounding and I just need to get this all out, so I apologize for the long post and it may be all over the place – don’t judge!]

HippyDippy says that the last session was right after EB {Evil Bitch, for those new to my story) returned to work after her “knee surgery” and based on what we said, things appear to be going well. Of course I bring up that my anxiety is every day, when he goes to work because she’s there. J then says that he doesn’t really want to talk about his day because he’ll have to mention her and he knows that causes me pain. [Yeah, it does, always will and I still want to pull every fucking hair out of her head]. I didn’t say much with that statement, neither refuting it or making it less painful. I then say, “I swallow my pride every day.” Well, J didn’t like that! I asked him what was wrong and he challenged what I said. I explained that I’m “learning to live with it” with him working with her and it’s still painful and I still believe she’s a threat to my marriage.

Things were going back/forth and we talked about how just this past week, J picked up the second book I asked him to read, probably because we were coming here. HippyDippy asked what book and I stated that it was “Not Just Friends”. She asked J what he thought of the book, and he said it helps him understand what I’m going through and wants to do anything to help me. Well, because I had a ‘tude, I asked why he waited so long to read the book (and he’s only about 27% through the book, thank you, Kindle for that stat). What was he afraid of or hesitant of? He took his time to think and articulate (“because he has to be careful not to say anything wrong” – yeah, great day for both of us). He said that everything is full of emotion since October. He doesn’t have a moment to himself with the exception of when he gets into bed. He just needs a break from all the emotion. He also said that I probably think he has all the time in the world, but he only reads a paragraph of his own book before he falls asleep. [Reality: yes, he’s been extremely busy and we are both exhausted, but he does read his fiction book(s) during the weekend and hasn’t picked up that book until the other day].

I said that I understood that, but since October, I have read everything I can get my hands on to work through this and understand what happened. I hurts me that he’s avoiding reading only the second book I’ve ever asked him to read.

[Deep breath…more coffee…conference call…walk…brb…will publish part two later this morning]

 

STOP THE PRESSES…he started reading book #2!

Yes, ladies, the husband has FINALLY started to read, “NOT ‘Just Friends’” last night!

It’s a fucking miracle!

Oh wait, maybe it’s because we are going to counseling on Thursday? Maybe???

Regardless, it is PROGRESS!

With that revelation last night, I asked how “work” was going. That’s code for, “Is there anything new with the fucking whore that I should be worried about?”

He said there wasn’t. That he was actually avoiding working directly with her or avoiding any type of personal conversations. GREAT! That is progress, too! I thanked him and said that this may have been the first time that he made a conscious, desired effort to separate from her. I said that he probably has done so for a past few months. But during the fall and winter, that wasn’t the case. He was resentful of me for being upset when she contacted him, etc. He said that after they ended it, they still texted, but didn’t sext. It changed, but it wasn’t “innocent” texts. No shit, Sherlocke. Like you texting her while on our anniversary trip! Thank you, that is a scar that won’t ever heal.

I then followed those tidbits with some questions. He at first said, “As I’ve answered these before…” I stopped him then. I said that he has to realize that I will ask these questions more than once because I needed to – because I may not have remembered everything he said post Dday because I was fucking traumatized. He acknowledged that and changed his tone and words. It was good! 

I asked if he had any feelings for her. He said no, he didn’t. I asked if she ever had feelings for him. He said that he didn’t think so. (Personally, she must have. However, I will find that out when I speak to her personally at some point in the future). 

He used the words, “The one and only time we had sex…”. Ladies, that bothered me. For men, I guess intercourse = sex? WTF? They had oral and masterbation before that. THAT IS SEX, GENTLEMEN…THAT IS SEX! For fuck’s sake!

I said, “Well, she was the one who ended it.” He said, “It was a mutual decision, she may have said it first, but I immediately agreed that we would have to stop or we’ll get caught.” That was their reason to stop. They’d get caught. I refrained from saying, “Oh, but you wanted to continue having sex with her, didn’t you? You said you would have if I never discovered it.”

Anyway, it was a decent exchange. I didn’t get upset, not really. My heart rate definitely increased during it (fear), but overall, I kept it together. 

I thanked him for reading (didn’t use the word “FINALLY”) the book. He said he was going to do anything I needed him to do. Really? How about firing the whore’s ass? I mean, how about that? (Yes, I know, he can’t…but wish he could!!!!).

Anyway, it’s progress, ladies. I’m hoping the more he reads the fucking book, the more things “dawn on him” and he understands the fragility of our situation – STILL.

I’ll write post counseling session. Wish me luck! xxoo

 

A Grilling or Trickling?

woman-grilling

 

OR

trickling_water

Weird title, I know. But, here’s my question to the cheaters and the betrayeds:

Would you want to grill your spouse for a day/night and just hash out all the shit, the tension, the “I’m too scared to ask / I’m to scared to answer” questions or would you rather live with trickling truth?

I’m getting to the point that I want to baby step toward forgiveness, but I still have some questions that, at this point in my “recovery” I believe important. In the scheme of things, they probably aren’t, but now they are. It’s almost a hurdle I have to jump over to get “there”.

Here’s my thinking. There have been times when J has thrown my past in my face as a deflection or just to hurt me. I know he still harbors hurt from my infidelity. Of course he does! But, he says he’s moved on. I don’t believe him. I think he has “moved on” in order for me to mirror him and not put him on the hot seat. Self-preservation tactic.

I would like to schedule a night away at a hotel, order enough rum and wine and just have at it. Get it out, off our chests, in our faces and just answer the damn questions or respond to accusations. Settle the multiple scores.

I feel it’s still a festering wound and this shit will eventually come to the surface, but not in the best or most prepared way.

What do you think? Have you done it? (Besides the midnight – 4am grillings we all have been through). What has your experience been? Either way. Thanks! xxoo

Don’t want to jinx it

I know I haven’t posted anything in a few weeks (shocking, actually).

It’s not that I’ve been having a bad time. On the contrary, I’ve been having a good, almost great time lately.

And that’s what I’m worried about.

Did I just jinx it?

Will the other shoe drop?

God, I hope not.

No texts or calls from Evil Bitch in MONTHS.

I haven’t felt the need to ask questions about her in the past few weeks.

What’s weird is that I’m finding it easier and easier to really not give a shit about her (WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WOMAN WRITING THIS POST? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?) I just don’t know what to make of my change. Is it indifference? Is it confidence? Is it healing? Beats the shit out of me but, I’ll take it!

J has been awesome. Seriously.

He apologized for what he did to me/us a few times in the last few weeks! (Especially since he read that Loyalty post that Pablo’s Wife shared with us — thank you! xx). He’s actually apologized when he lost his patience with me last week (shocker) and for interrupting me the other day (shocker #2).

Just yesterday, he was leaving for golf with our youngest son (Father’s Day fun for him), and I made a joke! Yes, I actually joked about his affair! This is a major, major step for me! This is how it went down: He thanked me for letting him go play golf on Father’s Day and for having a selfishly fun day. I said he deserved to have fun, but don’t have too much fun! I even wiggled my eyebrows at him and said, “You know what I mean [insert cigar and funny glasses with that remark]”. He wasn’t prepared for my levity! He reacted pretty immaturely and said “No!” and walked off! AS IFFFFFF! That was my first reaction. But, after a few minutes, I just let it roll off my back (yes, another step toward healing? – maybe). Within 30 minutes of his reaction, he came back and apologized to me! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS MAN?

Again, I don’t want to jinx it.

Our sex life is still great, not quite crazy rabbit sex, but still off the charts and we are finding a realistic groove.

We don’t have another marriage counseling session until July 3rd (HippyDippy’s vacation schedule and our crazy work schedules delayed it). That’s fine. I don’t feel the need for mediation at this moment. That may change. And I know I’ll get something out of the session. J agrees.

So, my life is finding a good rhythm with all the end-of-year craziness with school, parties and such. We still find time to connect and we still are on a good path.

But, like I said before, I don’t want to jinx it.

Marriage Counseling Session #4

Today (Friday, May 23) I feel numb. Just walking around this morning like a zombie. My back hurts (thank you, Yoga), my head hurts and so does my heart.

Last night’s session started with an omen – a hail storm! Before we could get out of our cars to make our appointment with HippyDippy, the heavens opened up. Was it a sign? Not sure at that point. We were smiling, but nervous (always are at these sessions). My heart is actually racing right now thinking about it. I feel light headed, actually.

I’m actually having a hard time remembering everything that was said. My mind is a jumble.

HippyDippy asked how our last two weeks had been and J answered that it has been good. That we have been getting along really well. I then piped in that I agreed, but we had a rough Friday and Saturday last week.

I haven’t written about that, yet. So, here it goes:

We had a rough night last Friday while having sex. Evidently, I giggled and he took it wrong and it turned him off. I didn’t understand it. He basically turned off and went to sleep. I was left there wondering what I had done and why he went radio silent. I HATE going to sleep angry and distant. The next morning, he woke up early (guess he couldn’t sleep). I remained in bed for awhile because I was up half the night, not able to sleep myself. I came downstairs and grabbed a cup of coffee. He greeted me nicely, as he was on his laptop in the living room. I stood in front of him and said that I didn’t like what happened last night and that I didn’t know what was wrong. Once again, I’m the one that tries to make peace, even though it wasn’t my fault. Once again, I’m the brave person that faces the other. Once again, I speak first. He apologized and told me that he thought I was laughing at him and it turned him off. He recognized that it was ridiculous. I told him I would never laugh at him. I said I giggled because I was happy and having fun. He apologized again and I settled down to enjoy my coffee. So, that’s how the morning started, but for some unknown reason I wanted more. I wanted to dig a bit. Blame it on PMS. Blame it on a broken heart. Blame it on “her” return to work the following Tuesday…

I told him that I needed him to throw out all his Tshirts (remember my Tshirt post?) that he bought last year. The ones from NC (which was late June, about a month after he started texting her and flirting). I said that those shirts reminded me of her. That I remember the one shirt he wore when he came home from “shopping for a bike” that one Friday or Monday. That was the day they touched and kissed for the “first” time. I then said that all the bright shirts he bought because he hated all his clothes reminded me of her. He then went on defense and said that he didn’t want to go to NC again if it only reminded me of her. I said it was the week that he was texting with her. He challenged me and said, “Oh, so you think I was sexting with her then?” I said probably. He vehemently denied it. Said it was only texting. Oh, okay – got it, I guess I was a month off…so just texting, yeah, that’s okay, right? He then said it was ridiculous he had to throw out clothes. He never said anything about driving my old Beetle after I got a new car for the family even though that was the car “I screwed my boyfriend in.” I just stared at him. Okay, you are not still harboring resentment much? Oh, he let it all go, right?

I left the room and got dressed and went for a long walk. I had to get away from him. What a fucker. What an insensitive man. He still hurt and he was throwing out painful remarks (I’m a big girl and can handle what he dishes out). But, he “forgave me and didn’t think about it any more (my affairs) for years.” Yeah, right, honey. He was on the phone when I left. Didn’t notice me (again).

I came back about 45 minutes later. He was cleaning the kitchen and avoiding me. He got another phone call. After he was done with the call, he was back on his laptop. I stood in front of him one more time and said, “I want you to know that I don’t think it’s okay with what you said to me. Throwing that back in my face when you supposedly forgave me. That you never think about it anymore. That was hurtful and wasn’t okay.” He then said that he was sorry and I was right. But, he felt he had to defend himself. Some other things were said (which I don’t remember). He went into the kitchen and in a little while I went in and said, “Let’s call a truce. We are never going to agree on these points. It’s not worth fighting about it.” He agreed. We retreated to opposite corners. I went upstairs. I stood staring in the bathroom mirror for a while. I was still upset.

So, guess what I did? I stripped, put on a robe and went looking for my husband. He was in the basement cleaning up some things. I found him, grabbed his hand, dropped my robe and fucked his brains out.

Yup, I used the Vcard, ladies. When we can’t talk, we fuck.

I can say our weekend went much better after that. But, I always feel I’m the one seeking reconciliation. I’m tired and sad that it’s always me.

Back to yesterday’s session…

HippyDippy pursued the truce button. She asked why I offered it. I said that I realized we weren’t going to agree on anything at that moment. He wasn’t willing to so I thought it was best to leave it behind us. She thought that was good. I think I was just tired of hurting and not being heard or valued. I didn’t say that to HippyDippy or J. But, that’s how I felt/feel.

She asked for specific things that made things better. J responded that my words to him mean a lot. My texts were special to him. I said that he was wonderful on EB’s first day back at work and that he was forthcoming and reassuring. It put me at ease.

HippyDippy then asked J about my request about the shirts and what he thought about it. He said it took him some time to but he understood why I asked for it. He then said he got rid of all of them. I didn’t know that. I wasn’t shocked but I was pleased. He said he did it because he knew it would make me feel better.

I then spoke about Mother’s Day and how much it meant to me. HippyDippy kept saying, “So things sound good. Sounds like you are doing what you need to do.” For some reason, that disappointed me. She is no Freud. But, I sat still waiting to see where she would go.

Somehow the subject of the other woman came up and I said that this week has been tough. We have been anxious. Obviously, I was hoping she would return for one day, say she was quitting and would leave our lives forever. And then I added, “and of course, she would drop off the face of the earth. That’s my ultimate wish.”

I guess J didn’t like that comment. He said that I say that all time and that we all know how I feel. That I’ve said I hate her hundreds of times. I said that I think he was exaggerating quite a bit, that I only say it at these sessions and a few times before.  HippyDippy pursued my comments. I forget what she said, but I expressed that J has all the power in this situation. It’s his choice to continue working there and because she does, too, I’m threatened. My safety is threatened. The other woman is a direct threat to our marriage.

J then said that [EB] is a good person. She’s not evil (yes, I refrained from my evil laugh, everyone). I spoke up and said, “Well, she’s 50% responsible for the affair and yes, I do hate her.” He was mad. I then said that I felt he was defending her and likes working with her and I’m worried and scared. That all she has to do is make a comment and they are back to flirting and then more. His defense of her, to me, means that he still has feelings for her. That I’m the bad one for hating her. That I’m less that her.

HippyDippy came back into the conversation (oh, gee thanks, lady — about time). She said something (which I can’t remember) and we returned to the point that he has the power in this situation. That he refuses to get another job and that he would resent me forever if I made him do it. He countered that his greatest fear is that if he leaves a job he loves and we don’t work out, he has nothing. That’s his greatest fear? What about me walking out? I said that we spoke about this early after Dday and he said he knows he has to find another job. I guess he changed his mind.

HippyDippy asked if he was looking for another job. He said no. He loves his job. He can’t imagine finding another one he loves as much. Yup, knife to my heart.

We closed the session with her saying that it will take time for me to gain trust. That he has to know that. But we should keep doing what we are doing. Yeah, HippyDippy, not sure I agree with your advice.

So, everyone, here I sit in purgatory, in limbo, in twilight, in pain.

Happy Fucking Friday.