Today (Friday, May 23) I feel numb. Just walking around this morning like a zombie. My back hurts (thank you, Yoga), my head hurts and so does my heart.
Last night’s session started with an omen – a hail storm! Before we could get out of our cars to make our appointment with HippyDippy, the heavens opened up. Was it a sign? Not sure at that point. We were smiling, but nervous (always are at these sessions). My heart is actually racing right now thinking about it. I feel light headed, actually.
I’m actually having a hard time remembering everything that was said. My mind is a jumble.
HippyDippy asked how our last two weeks had been and J answered that it has been good. That we have been getting along really well. I then piped in that I agreed, but we had a rough Friday and Saturday last week.
I haven’t written about that, yet. So, here it goes:
We had a rough night last Friday while having sex. Evidently, I giggled and he took it wrong and it turned him off. I didn’t understand it. He basically turned off and went to sleep. I was left there wondering what I had done and why he went radio silent. I HATE going to sleep angry and distant. The next morning, he woke up early (guess he couldn’t sleep). I remained in bed for awhile because I was up half the night, not able to sleep myself. I came downstairs and grabbed a cup of coffee. He greeted me nicely, as he was on his laptop in the living room. I stood in front of him and said that I didn’t like what happened last night and that I didn’t know what was wrong. Once again, I’m the one that tries to make peace, even though it wasn’t my fault. Once again, I’m the brave person that faces the other. Once again, I speak first. He apologized and told me that he thought I was laughing at him and it turned him off. He recognized that it was ridiculous. I told him I would never laugh at him. I said I giggled because I was happy and having fun. He apologized again and I settled down to enjoy my coffee. So, that’s how the morning started, but for some unknown reason I wanted more. I wanted to dig a bit. Blame it on PMS. Blame it on a broken heart. Blame it on “her” return to work the following Tuesday…
I told him that I needed him to throw out all his Tshirts (remember my Tshirt post?) that he bought last year. The ones from NC (which was late June, about a month after he started texting her and flirting). I said that those shirts reminded me of her. That I remember the one shirt he wore when he came home from “shopping for a bike” that one Friday or Monday. That was the day they touched and kissed for the “first” time. I then said that all the bright shirts he bought because he hated all his clothes reminded me of her. He then went on defense and said that he didn’t want to go to NC again if it only reminded me of her. I said it was the week that he was texting with her. He challenged me and said, “Oh, so you think I was sexting with her then?” I said probably. He vehemently denied it. Said it was only texting. Oh, okay – got it, I guess I was a month off…so just texting, yeah, that’s okay, right? He then said it was ridiculous he had to throw out clothes. He never said anything about driving my old Beetle after I got a new car for the family even though that was the car “I screwed my boyfriend in.” I just stared at him. Okay, you are not still harboring resentment much? Oh, he let it all go, right?
I left the room and got dressed and went for a long walk. I had to get away from him. What a fucker. What an insensitive man. He still hurt and he was throwing out painful remarks (I’m a big girl and can handle what he dishes out). But, he “forgave me and didn’t think about it any more (my affairs) for years.” Yeah, right, honey. He was on the phone when I left. Didn’t notice me (again).
I came back about 45 minutes later. He was cleaning the kitchen and avoiding me. He got another phone call. After he was done with the call, he was back on his laptop. I stood in front of him one more time and said, “I want you to know that I don’t think it’s okay with what you said to me. Throwing that back in my face when you supposedly forgave me. That you never think about it anymore. That was hurtful and wasn’t okay.” He then said that he was sorry and I was right. But, he felt he had to defend himself. Some other things were said (which I don’t remember). He went into the kitchen and in a little while I went in and said, “Let’s call a truce. We are never going to agree on these points. It’s not worth fighting about it.” He agreed. We retreated to opposite corners. I went upstairs. I stood staring in the bathroom mirror for a while. I was still upset.
So, guess what I did? I stripped, put on a robe and went looking for my husband. He was in the basement cleaning up some things. I found him, grabbed his hand, dropped my robe and fucked his brains out.
Yup, I used the Vcard, ladies. When we can’t talk, we fuck.
I can say our weekend went much better after that. But, I always feel I’m the one seeking reconciliation. I’m tired and sad that it’s always me.
Back to yesterday’s session…
HippyDippy pursued the truce button. She asked why I offered it. I said that I realized we weren’t going to agree on anything at that moment. He wasn’t willing to so I thought it was best to leave it behind us. She thought that was good. I think I was just tired of hurting and not being heard or valued. I didn’t say that to HippyDippy or J. But, that’s how I felt/feel.
She asked for specific things that made things better. J responded that my words to him mean a lot. My texts were special to him. I said that he was wonderful on EB’s first day back at work and that he was forthcoming and reassuring. It put me at ease.
HippyDippy then asked J about my request about the shirts and what he thought about it. He said it took him some time to but he understood why I asked for it. He then said he got rid of all of them. I didn’t know that. I wasn’t shocked but I was pleased. He said he did it because he knew it would make me feel better.
I then spoke about Mother’s Day and how much it meant to me. HippyDippy kept saying, “So things sound good. Sounds like you are doing what you need to do.” For some reason, that disappointed me. She is no Freud. But, I sat still waiting to see where she would go.
Somehow the subject of the other woman came up and I said that this week has been tough. We have been anxious. Obviously, I was hoping she would return for one day, say she was quitting and would leave our lives forever. And then I added, “and of course, she would drop off the face of the earth. That’s my ultimate wish.”
I guess J didn’t like that comment. He said that I say that all time and that we all know how I feel. That I’ve said I hate her hundreds of times. I said that I think he was exaggerating quite a bit, that I only say it at these sessions and a few times before. HippyDippy pursued my comments. I forget what she said, but I expressed that J has all the power in this situation. It’s his choice to continue working there and because she does, too, I’m threatened. My safety is threatened. The other woman is a direct threat to our marriage.
J then said that [EB] is a good person. She’s not evil (yes, I refrained from my evil laugh, everyone). I spoke up and said, “Well, she’s 50% responsible for the affair and yes, I do hate her.” He was mad. I then said that I felt he was defending her and likes working with her and I’m worried and scared. That all she has to do is make a comment and they are back to flirting and then more. His defense of her, to me, means that he still has feelings for her. That I’m the bad one for hating her. That I’m less that her.
HippyDippy came back into the conversation (oh, gee thanks, lady — about time). She said something (which I can’t remember) and we returned to the point that he has the power in this situation. That he refuses to get another job and that he would resent me forever if I made him do it. He countered that his greatest fear is that if he leaves a job he loves and we don’t work out, he has nothing. That’s his greatest fear? What about me walking out? I said that we spoke about this early after Dday and he said he knows he has to find another job. I guess he changed his mind.
HippyDippy asked if he was looking for another job. He said no. He loves his job. He can’t imagine finding another one he loves as much. Yup, knife to my heart.
We closed the session with her saying that it will take time for me to gain trust. That he has to know that. But we should keep doing what we are doing. Yeah, HippyDippy, not sure I agree with your advice.
So, everyone, here I sit in purgatory, in limbo, in twilight, in pain.
Happy Fucking Friday.