Let It Go

We had our big talk last night.

I asked him, pointblank, if he will find another job.

He said no. He loves his job and it’s just a job. Nothing is ever discussed or talked about at work. It’s over. It has been for over a year.

I asked why he won’t. He said he loves his job, it’s convenient, it’s a 4-day work week. He can’t imagine starting over again. Change is hard for him.

I said that I felt he was still working there and not searching for another job, which he said he would (he categorically denies he said it…said he doesn’t remember it), as a form of punishment toward me. He said that was not true. How could I think that?

I said that he hasn’t had to change one bit about his life this past year. I’ve done everything in my power to make him fall in love with me again. Anything we’ve done is because I begged him: reading the books (which I said he still hasn’t finished), going to marriage counseling, etc. He really resented that accusation. How could I say he hasn’t done anything? What he’s done for this marriage?

I then said that I would like to speak to EB. If she is a part of our lives now, at least I should meet her and have a conversation with her. He didn’t like that. He asked how would l feel if he contacted L, my AP? He said it wasn’t a good idea to involve EB. He was pissed.

I let that stew a few moments and then said I wouldn’t contact her (I might, though…we’ll see…).

He said that I’ll never move on. That I’ll always be stuck. He’s afraid to come home most nights, not knowing how things are because I’m so depressed. I responded saying that my heart is broken. I’m not depressed. I’m in pain. I told him that I guess he just doesn’t realize how much I love him and how painful this has been.

I said I was scared. Not knowing what was going to happen to us. I asked him if he was scared, too. He said he was terrified.

I said that I couldn’t believe, he of all people, would do this. He asked what I meant. I said that with his father’s infidelity, then mine, he would do it, knowing the devastation it would cause. He said something like, “Oh, so I’m a horrible person (or something like that).” and I responded that I never suspected. I trusted him completely. And that has been what’s hard to overcome. I said that I didn’t know what I wanted to say or do. I just felt numb. I wasn’t going to cry. I was just a bit dead inside. It was weird. I mentally noted how calm I was.

He apologized again. He said that he was so sorry for doing this to me.

He got up and a few minutes later, sat back down and said that he was sorry that he will never be able to make me happy.

I sat back and took a breath. I then said that I know what I want. I want him, our marriage. He stood back up and went into our bedroom.

I followed, because I wasn’t done with my statement.

I said that because I want our marriage, I realize that I have to let this all go. That I have to forget this all happened and completely move on.

Braver words than what I was feeling. But, I had a moment where I had to decide if I wanted to be right or be happy.

I said that I have swallowed my pride over the last  year, more than he can realize. We exchanged some other things…and he said how much he resented my previous statement that he hasn’t done anything this past year. I apologized and said that was harsh. Yet, I’m scared. I said that I had been working so hard on myself over the past year, physically. Did he notice? He said he did. I then asked if I physically turned him on? He got completely defenseless and said we had to end this conversation. This was going into a direction he didn’t want to go right then. He said we had to stop, take a break. We could continue this conversation later. I knew we wouldn’t. We never do…

We went back down to the living room and finished watching some crap TV and hung out with our oldest son. He then said he was going to bed. I stayed down for a little bit. Just to give him a chance to be alone. I went up to bed and didn’t say a word to him. Nor did he say anything to me. Not even a kiss goodnight. It was a test. We both were testing. I woke up at 2:30 and started reading blogs and just having a hard time getting back to sleep. I finally did around 3:45am. I wanted to cuddle with him, but he was turned the other way. So I laid my hand on his chest and he eventually turned so my hand had to drop.

The alarm went off at 5:45am and he spooned me. It was an olive branch. He said he loved me completely and I hugged him and said that I loved him, too.

He then got up and took a shower. After that he hugged me and said that he loves me and only me. I hugged and kissed him back.

He left for work and texted me when he got there. It was a good text. This is why he does. Takes him a day to respond and to say or text things that moves us forward.

I don’t know, guys. One day at a time. One emotion at a time.

I do know one thing. I choose to be happy. It will take me years to digest the pride I swallowed. Or is it my heart?

Falling Back

FallBackDaylightSavings

Maybe it’s the change in clocks, but I feel as though I’m a bit “stuck” with inner dialog and anger. I’m falling back – doing what I did pre-affair.

Is it normal for recovering from infidelity? Probably. Is it fun? No, it’s not.

I had a bad day yesterday. It was Tuesday. I woke up at 4am and my mind started the replay. EB was off all last week and I was able to breathe. Yesterday, I felt the breath leave me. I hugged him when he left for work and just said, “I hate Tuesdays.” He gruffly said, “I know.”

I was in a funk all day because of it. I went into my office and brought home three boxes of crap, as we are cleaning out and preparing for the big office move. Even with all that going on, I was still preoccupied – distracted – disconnected.

Question to the BS’s out there…how long did it take for you to start having “back talk” in your mind and noticing those small things that annoy you about your spouse?

This has just started for me. I used to have it pre-affair. Twenty three years married of “little things” and grumbling under my breath at things he would do or say. I’m worried. I don’t like it.

After the affair, those little annoyances didn’t bother me. In some f’ed up way, they were endearing. I was just so happy to be together.

Now, I’m not so sure. Perhaps I’m finally out of the BS fog. You know, the honeymoon sex, the “he walks on water” and “isn’t he so hot?”  I’m not happy about it. The BS fog was nicer. It formed a bubble/cocoon that prevented the shit from becoming real.

But, what’s really bothering me is that I’m feeling a bit stuck for not knowing what he’s going to do about a new job. He keeps surfing next vacations, stupid sports scores, but not even a hint at looking for another job.

He’s smoking again, too — has been since the summer. He smoked last year and on 10/17, I threw out his pack of cigarettes, out the truck window. He quit cold turkey then. Weird how I remember all the specific dates of things that week. But, I’m sure we all do to some extent…

Guess who also smokes? Yup, Ms. Evil Bitch. Oh, but “they don’t usually smoke alone.” Another person “almost always joins them.”

I resent both of these things: no new job and smoking.

I think that’s part of my pent-up anger and it’s going to boil over soon.

I’m scared, guys. I’m scared that he won’t find another job and that will be it for us. I think I’ve swallowed enough pride and paid my dues from my past sins. At least, I think I have. He must still be punishing me. I just can’t imagine what his motive(s) are if he isn’t.

We are getting the remodeling done. Final things selected and it should be full remodel mode by early December. All I am thinking lately is…well, it will be good for resale because I don’t know if we’ll be here much longer.

Sigh

Didn’t think my heart could break anymore. I was wrong. It just keeps breaking a little each and every day.

Figuring Out Forgiveness

Kelly’s post about forgiveness really made me think. Understanding that there are levels to it, verging from acceptance to outright blind faith forgiveness makes it easier for me to digest.

I was ready to tell my husband that I was on the verge of forgiveness this past Saturday. I really was…even before I read Kelly’s post and learned it was National Forgiveness Day (wonder which cheating congressman asked for that national day?).

We had a discussion about his week at work and he asked if talking about “her” upset me. I told him that I needed him to speak about her. It helped me. So, he did, telling me that she’s on vacation this coming week. She wanted to work on a Monday (the company is closed on Mondays) to get a jump on the holiday orders. He told her that wasn’t going to happen (meaning, they would be alone and that wasn’t ever going to happen). I then asked if she was moving to Florida, yet. (I wasn’t being very careful because I let that slip. I know she’s got a beach house she just bought down there – FB is soooo informative). He said no, not that he was aware of. I’m sure it pissed him off. I could tell. Anyway, we got home and from that point on, I was in an obvious “funk”. Not really meaning to be, but I realized something and was processing it in my mind, having my own internal dialog.

So, I went for a long walk and just went about my day, but withdrawn. He noticed and when we were getting ready to attend a wake, he flared up at me because I was “having a bad day, now he was having one.” Whatever, cheater boy…whatever. I told him that it wasn’t my fault. None of it was. And I left it at that.

In the car I said, “I honestly don’t know what to say.” He asked what I meant and I said that it’s been a year and we’ve come so far but he hasn’t gotten a new job. He said, “No, I haven’t.” and with that lovely volley, I just clammed up, waiting for him to do the right thing. The ball was in his court, after all.

We went to the wake and paid our respects. We came home and pretty much, avoided each other until he asked if I wanted to go to the movies.

So, we did. We saw “The Judge” and it was pretty good. When we went to bed and I asked him if he was happy. He responded, “Of course, I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Sigh…

I held my tongue and then asked him what he wanted from this marriage? What did he need? He was reading his book (no, he hasn’t finished “Just Friends” – doubt he ever will.) and said that he would like some time to answer that question.

Yeah…awesome. You do that. Take all the time you need to answer the most important fucking question of our lives. It’s okay. I’ll just be over here, on the left side of the bed waiting for the rest of my pathetic life.

We woke up the next day feeling better. Not sure why, but we did. I decided to make breakfast. He decided to seduce me. Hey, I have needs to…why not?

Anyway, it was a better day. But, I didn’t mention my question. I just let lying dogs lie (hmmm….interesting choice of phrase there…).

But, what I realized was what I was ready to forgive and what I wasn’t. I can forgive his weakness. I can even forgive his affair (after all, he “forgave” me for mine…or did he?) But, I can’t forgive that he hasn’t left his job. I can’t forgive that he hasn’t even looked for another job. In many ways, that is more hurtful. That is the ultimate, “FUCK YOU” and guess what? I’m not okay with that.

Have I told him this? No, not yet. You know why? Because it’s ALWAYS ME that broaches the difficult subjects, that asks the tough, messy questions, that always says “I’m sorry” first. I’m hurt. Rather, I’m heartbroken.

Figuring out forgiveness is really tricky. It takes time. Each person decides what they will or won’t forgive. We’re all different. I just know I don’t want want to hurt anymore.