18 Months

18 months since Dday. 

I don’t check the mobile phone account as obsessively.

I don’t look at her Facebook profile everyday.

I don’t check his browser history like I used to.

That’s progress! Right?

Things are good. Some silly, minor tiffs, but nothing horrible. In fact, we are learning to resolve more quickly.  Yet, we both have been a little moody/bitchy. Probably due to him quitting smoking (grumpy man). Oh, and we are both on a health kick…no bread, no cheese, no pasta, no chocolate. It’s hell…haha. 

He says more heartfelt things. Like the other morning right before dawn, he whispered that I was perfect for him. 

I can’t believe it’s been 18 months.  Honestly, the first 13 months sucked. Not really knowing how things were going to pan out. Still not sure…but, are we ever? 

No. If that is one thing I’ve learned from this shit sandwich is that NOTHING is for sure. Nothing. 

Just today.

Let It Go

We had our big talk last night.

I asked him, pointblank, if he will find another job.

He said no. He loves his job and it’s just a job. Nothing is ever discussed or talked about at work. It’s over. It has been for over a year.

I asked why he won’t. He said he loves his job, it’s convenient, it’s a 4-day work week. He can’t imagine starting over again. Change is hard for him.

I said that I felt he was still working there and not searching for another job, which he said he would (he categorically denies he said it…said he doesn’t remember it), as a form of punishment toward me. He said that was not true. How could I think that?

I said that he hasn’t had to change one bit about his life this past year. I’ve done everything in my power to make him fall in love with me again. Anything we’ve done is because I begged him: reading the books (which I said he still hasn’t finished), going to marriage counseling, etc. He really resented that accusation. How could I say he hasn’t done anything? What he’s done for this marriage?

I then said that I would like to speak to EB. If she is a part of our lives now, at least I should meet her and have a conversation with her. He didn’t like that. He asked how would l feel if he contacted L, my AP? He said it wasn’t a good idea to involve EB. He was pissed.

I let that stew a few moments and then said I wouldn’t contact her (I might, though…we’ll see…).

He said that I’ll never move on. That I’ll always be stuck. He’s afraid to come home most nights, not knowing how things are because I’m so depressed. I responded saying that my heart is broken. I’m not depressed. I’m in pain. I told him that I guess he just doesn’t realize how much I love him and how painful this has been.

I said I was scared. Not knowing what was going to happen to us. I asked him if he was scared, too. He said he was terrified.

I said that I couldn’t believe, he of all people, would do this. He asked what I meant. I said that with his father’s infidelity, then mine, he would do it, knowing the devastation it would cause. He said something like, “Oh, so I’m a horrible person (or something like that).” and I responded that I never suspected. I trusted him completely. And that has been what’s hard to overcome. I said that I didn’t know what I wanted to say or do. I just felt numb. I wasn’t going to cry. I was just a bit dead inside. It was weird. I mentally noted how calm I was.

He apologized again. He said that he was so sorry for doing this to me.

He got up and a few minutes later, sat back down and said that he was sorry that he will never be able to make me happy.

I sat back and took a breath. I then said that I know what I want. I want him, our marriage. He stood back up and went into our bedroom.

I followed, because I wasn’t done with my statement.

I said that because I want our marriage, I realize that I have to let this all go. That I have to forget this all happened and completely move on.

Braver words than what I was feeling. But, I had a moment where I had to decide if I wanted to be right or be happy.

I said that I have swallowed my pride over the last  year, more than he can realize. We exchanged some other things…and he said how much he resented my previous statement that he hasn’t done anything this past year. I apologized and said that was harsh. Yet, I’m scared. I said that I had been working so hard on myself over the past year, physically. Did he notice? He said he did. I then asked if I physically turned him on? He got completely defenseless and said we had to end this conversation. This was going into a direction he didn’t want to go right then. He said we had to stop, take a break. We could continue this conversation later. I knew we wouldn’t. We never do…

We went back down to the living room and finished watching some crap TV and hung out with our oldest son. He then said he was going to bed. I stayed down for a little bit. Just to give him a chance to be alone. I went up to bed and didn’t say a word to him. Nor did he say anything to me. Not even a kiss goodnight. It was a test. We both were testing. I woke up at 2:30 and started reading blogs and just having a hard time getting back to sleep. I finally did around 3:45am. I wanted to cuddle with him, but he was turned the other way. So I laid my hand on his chest and he eventually turned so my hand had to drop.

The alarm went off at 5:45am and he spooned me. It was an olive branch. He said he loved me completely and I hugged him and said that I loved him, too.

He then got up and took a shower. After that he hugged me and said that he loves me and only me. I hugged and kissed him back.

He left for work and texted me when he got there. It was a good text. This is why he does. Takes him a day to respond and to say or text things that moves us forward.

I don’t know, guys. One day at a time. One emotion at a time.

I do know one thing. I choose to be happy. It will take me years to digest the pride I swallowed. Or is it my heart?

Falling Back

FallBackDaylightSavings

Maybe it’s the change in clocks, but I feel as though I’m a bit “stuck” with inner dialog and anger. I’m falling back – doing what I did pre-affair.

Is it normal for recovering from infidelity? Probably. Is it fun? No, it’s not.

I had a bad day yesterday. It was Tuesday. I woke up at 4am and my mind started the replay. EB was off all last week and I was able to breathe. Yesterday, I felt the breath leave me. I hugged him when he left for work and just said, “I hate Tuesdays.” He gruffly said, “I know.”

I was in a funk all day because of it. I went into my office and brought home three boxes of crap, as we are cleaning out and preparing for the big office move. Even with all that going on, I was still preoccupied – distracted – disconnected.

Question to the BS’s out there…how long did it take for you to start having “back talk” in your mind and noticing those small things that annoy you about your spouse?

This has just started for me. I used to have it pre-affair. Twenty three years married of “little things” and grumbling under my breath at things he would do or say. I’m worried. I don’t like it.

After the affair, those little annoyances didn’t bother me. In some f’ed up way, they were endearing. I was just so happy to be together.

Now, I’m not so sure. Perhaps I’m finally out of the BS fog. You know, the honeymoon sex, the “he walks on water” and “isn’t he so hot?”  I’m not happy about it. The BS fog was nicer. It formed a bubble/cocoon that prevented the shit from becoming real.

But, what’s really bothering me is that I’m feeling a bit stuck for not knowing what he’s going to do about a new job. He keeps surfing next vacations, stupid sports scores, but not even a hint at looking for another job.

He’s smoking again, too — has been since the summer. He smoked last year and on 10/17, I threw out his pack of cigarettes, out the truck window. He quit cold turkey then. Weird how I remember all the specific dates of things that week. But, I’m sure we all do to some extent…

Guess who also smokes? Yup, Ms. Evil Bitch. Oh, but “they don’t usually smoke alone.” Another person “almost always joins them.”

I resent both of these things: no new job and smoking.

I think that’s part of my pent-up anger and it’s going to boil over soon.

I’m scared, guys. I’m scared that he won’t find another job and that will be it for us. I think I’ve swallowed enough pride and paid my dues from my past sins. At least, I think I have. He must still be punishing me. I just can’t imagine what his motive(s) are if he isn’t.

We are getting the remodeling done. Final things selected and it should be full remodel mode by early December. All I am thinking lately is…well, it will be good for resale because I don’t know if we’ll be here much longer.

Sigh

Didn’t think my heart could break anymore. I was wrong. It just keeps breaking a little each and every day.

Figuring Out Forgiveness

Kelly’s post about forgiveness really made me think. Understanding that there are levels to it, verging from acceptance to outright blind faith forgiveness makes it easier for me to digest.

I was ready to tell my husband that I was on the verge of forgiveness this past Saturday. I really was…even before I read Kelly’s post and learned it was National Forgiveness Day (wonder which cheating congressman asked for that national day?).

We had a discussion about his week at work and he asked if talking about “her” upset me. I told him that I needed him to speak about her. It helped me. So, he did, telling me that she’s on vacation this coming week. She wanted to work on a Monday (the company is closed on Mondays) to get a jump on the holiday orders. He told her that wasn’t going to happen (meaning, they would be alone and that wasn’t ever going to happen). I then asked if she was moving to Florida, yet. (I wasn’t being very careful because I let that slip. I know she’s got a beach house she just bought down there – FB is soooo informative). He said no, not that he was aware of. I’m sure it pissed him off. I could tell. Anyway, we got home and from that point on, I was in an obvious “funk”. Not really meaning to be, but I realized something and was processing it in my mind, having my own internal dialog.

So, I went for a long walk and just went about my day, but withdrawn. He noticed and when we were getting ready to attend a wake, he flared up at me because I was “having a bad day, now he was having one.” Whatever, cheater boy…whatever. I told him that it wasn’t my fault. None of it was. And I left it at that.

In the car I said, “I honestly don’t know what to say.” He asked what I meant and I said that it’s been a year and we’ve come so far but he hasn’t gotten a new job. He said, “No, I haven’t.” and with that lovely volley, I just clammed up, waiting for him to do the right thing. The ball was in his court, after all.

We went to the wake and paid our respects. We came home and pretty much, avoided each other until he asked if I wanted to go to the movies.

So, we did. We saw “The Judge” and it was pretty good. When we went to bed and I asked him if he was happy. He responded, “Of course, I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Sigh…

I held my tongue and then asked him what he wanted from this marriage? What did he need? He was reading his book (no, he hasn’t finished “Just Friends” – doubt he ever will.) and said that he would like some time to answer that question.

Yeah…awesome. You do that. Take all the time you need to answer the most important fucking question of our lives. It’s okay. I’ll just be over here, on the left side of the bed waiting for the rest of my pathetic life.

We woke up the next day feeling better. Not sure why, but we did. I decided to make breakfast. He decided to seduce me. Hey, I have needs to…why not?

Anyway, it was a better day. But, I didn’t mention my question. I just let lying dogs lie (hmmm….interesting choice of phrase there…).

But, what I realized was what I was ready to forgive and what I wasn’t. I can forgive his weakness. I can even forgive his affair (after all, he “forgave” me for mine…or did he?) But, I can’t forgive that he hasn’t left his job. I can’t forgive that he hasn’t even looked for another job. In many ways, that is more hurtful. That is the ultimate, “FUCK YOU” and guess what? I’m not okay with that.

Have I told him this? No, not yet. You know why? Because it’s ALWAYS ME that broaches the difficult subjects, that asks the tough, messy questions, that always says “I’m sorry” first. I’m hurt. Rather, I’m heartbroken.

Figuring out forgiveness is really tricky. It takes time. Each person decides what they will or won’t forgive. We’re all different. I just know I don’t want want to hurt anymore.

What we are willing to do…

Well, girlfriends, a lot has gone down in the past few days since my Q&A the other night.

Since last Thursday night, things were okay with us. Just okay. Saturday morning, I was contemplating something. I took a shower, my husband was waiting on the bed when I got out and I asked him if we could go to his office. He wanted to know why. I told him that I wanted to see everything, visualize where he worked and be “with” him to eradicate every living memory of her.

His response (like it will be a shock to all of you)? He didn’t think it would be a good idea. That I will start to doubt more about him and it will put us right back to square one and undo all our healing so far. He then said, “But, if you think it will help you, I’ll do it. I just don’t think it will.”

I finished getting dressed and as I was putting on my make-up, I thought twice. I had doubt. I was scared. I went to him and said that I changed my mind. Clearly, he wasn’t okay with it and let’s just forget about it. He said, “Oh no, you want to do it. If we don’t, you’ll never believe me. We are going! But, I think all you want to do is humiliate me more.” I stopped him, and said, “Let me be clear of my intentions. It is not to humiliate you. If I wanted to do that, I would have walked into your office on 10/15/13 and pulled every fucking hair out of her head in front of everyone and then I would have divorced your ass! What I wanted to do is replace every sexual memory of her. I need to do that. I need to be the only woman you think of and desire.” I basically wanted to fuck his brains out all over that damn place. And go outside, in the back of his building where this is a lake with a water fall and do it there, too (because that is where they first kissed/touched each other – isn’t that fucking romantic?). He didn’t get it. He didn’t understand.

That set him off a bit. He still debated and said that it’s not a good idea. He said it’s going to become a tit for tat. I said that I believe he is still punishing me for my past and that his “CHOICE” to remain at that job is his way of doing it. I was crying at this point. I continued to said that I will regret my affair for the rest of my life. He then asked me if I loved him (my AP). I said I thought I did. He said, “Well, I didn’t – it was just sex. Yet, you will never believe me.” He then asked me how many times did I have sex with my AP. My reply was, “More than I can remember.” (I seriously can’t remember, it was over almost 2 years long affair with trips to the UK and his to the US. We saw each other on probably 8 occasions, total during that time. Anyway, I digress). He then said, “Once for me. Just once!” I then challenged and asked, “But how many times were you intimate with her? Touching with your mouth and hers?” He said, “Dozens!” [OUCH] He recognized that intercourse vs. intimacy is different for both men and women. He said that he read that in “my” book. [Again, another zinger about my request for him to read a fucking book!].

I said again that I was shocked at his perception of our marriage last year and how it was completely opposite of mine. I said that I knew we were in a rut and that we weren’t communicating. Our sex life sucked. But, I never contemplated divorce. I said back to him that in my mind, he had an affair as a way out of the marriage, that I would want a divorce and I think that’s what he wanted. He said I was wrong but, I’ll never believe him so what does it matter?

I cried some more and composed myself. He wasn’t consoling me at all. He was deflecting and being defensive. I turned around and said that I didn’t want to go, not now, not like this. Instead, we went to do some shopping.

I just flipped a switch in my brain. I saw where this would go. My demands, his retreat and our eventual demise. 

On the way back, I made him turn into the park right before our street and stop the car. This is the same park where I read his text of admission on 10/14/13 and where I tried calling him. Fond memories…how apropos, right?

I turned to him and said, “Look, I’m willing to forget last year and move passed it. I’m willing to start fresh and anew for our marriage. What are you will to do for our marriage?

He was a bit dumbfounded for a second, and in exasperation he said, “Well, I guess I’m going to have to find another job. It’s what you want me to do so that’s what I have to do, I guess.” I didn’t say anything. I let that statement hang in the air. He immediately pulled the car out and we went home.

I got out of the car and put on a brave face. The switch had to be flipped. I had to start that day. I knew it. I felt it.

A little later I hugged him and said softly that I didn’t really want him to find a new job. I know how much he loves his job. He replied softly in my ear, “Liar. Of course you want me to get a new job.” It was endearing and meant without anger or malice. It was a turning point. I don’t know if he was/is serious about finding another job. I hope so. And I guess that’s the real key word here: HOPE

I hope…

More Questions…Some Answers

For those of you followers out there in Blogland, you may be aware that I still have some questions for my husband regarding his infidelity. I apologize in advance for the long post. I’m just too damn lazy to split it up in more than one post!

Yesterday morning started like normal, but my phone decided to mess with my mind. Usually, when J gets to work, he texts me, usually with a lovely IM. Yesterday, my phone didn’t show his most recent message but the very beginning of his messages, dating back to October 14, 2013. My Dday. His Dday. The day he broke my heart.

So, what did I do? I read all his messages since then! There are probably 2,000+ What did that do to my head? It kicked it. It put it in a vise. Thank you, Samsung, for messing with a fragile ego.

Anyway, an hour+ later — yeah, that long…I wrote him back and got out of bed and started my day.

My day was spent in the past and the present. I can’t really plan the future. No, not there, yet. Are you? Can you see your future yet, YaYa Sisters?

After dinner, he was washing dishes and made a comment about something, but started with “I don’t know if you said it or I heard it from someone else, but…blahdeblahdeblah…” I replied, “No, you didn’t hear it from me, must have been someone else.”

Well, that didn’t go over so well with J! He turned around and asked if I was implying that he heard it from K [aka Evil Bitch]? I shrugged my shoulders and didn’t answer. He said, “At least be honest and admit it.” I replied, “Well, I don’t know what you talk about with her during the day, so who knows?”

We settled on the couch later and he mentioned my comment earlier and asked why I wasn’t being honest? This started a session of questions and some answers…He opened the door (more like window), right?

I’m trying to remember everything that I asked and his “answers” but I’m having a hard time.

I stated that I don’t understand why EB remains at her job. If I was in her shoes, I would have moved on and found another job. Out of respect of me and our marriage, that’s what she should do. [On a private side note, I know HE’S not going to change jobs. It’s a good job. He’s the manager. He does love his job. He’s made that perfectly clear.]

[You are all going to love his reply…wait for it…wait for it…] He said that he doesn’t understand my thinking. Why would she want to leave? Why should she respect me?

You’d be proud. I didn’t lose my shit. Actually, scratch that. You are probably all disappointed! I knew that if I lost my composure, I wouldn’t get any answers.

I said that since he’s clearly not leaving his job, the decent thing to do is for her to leave it. It doesn’t pay that great. She really doesn’t need the money [I’ve seen her B posts – lake house, boat, motorcycle, two grown boys out of school and just bought a beach house in Florida – yet, he doesn’t seem to know this much about her and I didn’t divulge the details]. He disagreed and said I was wrong. He said that the job is 3 minutes from her home and super convenient. Why would she leave that?

So, I explained my earlier reply that I’m still scared. I don’t know what their relationship is like now and what they talk about. I have never met her, never spoke to her so all I have his “word” and it’s hard for me to believe him because he lied to me for so long.

He replied that their conversations were innocuous and nothing to even remember. [I believe that now]. I challenged him and asked if she’s flirtatious and/or makes any comments that would indicate her interest in him. He said, “No, she doesn’t at all. It’s as if she looks at their past as a ‘fling’ and nothing more.” I then said that it doesn’t make sense. No woman would remain at a job if she didn’t still have feelings. He disagreed. Said that she doesn’t and neither does he.

He said that he’s being honest. And he doesn’t understand why I keep bringing up the past. However, if it helps me, he will answer my questions. I nodded. I said that it’s hard for me still. But, I see that he’s back, he’s the man I married. Last year, he was not. He was different, angry and mean at times. I don’t think he liked my comment. [What else is new?]

He said that we weren’t getting along at all last year. We argued (which we did, but only a few times). He asked if I remembered the email I sent him? I said that I did and I also remember he never acknowledged it. The email was the result of one of our arguments. I apologized but also called out his shitty behavior. He never acknowledged it and I was too proud to mention it again. That has been our issue, we never knew how to fight and then resolve our differences. We would skirt around them, say hurtful things, I’d apologize first (always), and then act like nothing was the matter. He went on to say we were not getting along. I didn’t agree. I thought we were. [Afterall, he was texting/sexting me at the same damn time as he was sexting his work whore]. Yes, our sex life sucked last year. I was suffering from a back injury, went through physical therapy, then started with a personal trainer. I was rebounding. The summer was okay. He was not. He was still short tempered, working later, going in earlier, working Saturdays and some Sundays. Yeah, he was a fucking saint!

What really shocked me was his view of our relationship last year. He thought we were on the out! I asked him if he was seriously thinking our marriage was in trouble. He did! Wow, I guess I was in another marriage! I was in love with my husband and thought we were in a rut. We started doing some things together. I remember going on a hike with him in a near by park (pretty famous in our area…very historical…with an old revolutionary town that is in ruins to explore, etc.) That was September 29th. I remember he was texting as we were stuck in traffic. There was a beerfest going on, hence the traffic. He said it was a guy from work and then other friends. I never thought otherwise. We enjoyed our day. My back was on the mend and I was getting stronger. I took a lot of photos of the views, ruins, etc. It was fun. The night before, we went out on a dinner date, just the two of us. I had just booked our anniversary trip up to Lake Placid. Anyway, you see…I thought we were doing better. Along this same timeline, he was still sexting her. They hadn’t decided to call it off at this point, a week before our anniversary.

Sorry for the digression…but, it really gobsmacked me (love being able to use the word “gobsmacked”) that he thought our marriage wouldn’t survive. Wow, I just had a moment. One of those damn Oprah A-huh Moments. Did he start his affair as a way out of our marriage? Wow. How dense can I be? You see, I have to find the root cause of everything. I’m a problem solver. There HAS to be an explanation for everything! I suppose I’m not very religious. I will always be a cynic. I will always question everything. WHY AM I SO FUCKING STUPID ABOUT MY OWN LIFE? GRRR!

I questioned further. I asked him if he thought of his life divorced? He said he did! I asked if his father’s inheritance was a justification for his thinking? Meaning, was he planning on taking the money and running? I couldn’t give a shit about the money. But, we have two men children to educate. The youngest just started last week. I make more money than he does. Probably part of his issues, but not mine. It’s ours, it’s for our family. He said he didn’t. That he was going to give me all the money because the boys would live with me. (Wow, thanks for thinking of us, dear…very THOUGHTFUL of you!). He said that he is still very uncomfortable speaking with me during our work day. He can “hear how depressed” I am in my voice. That made me stop and think he doesn’t really get my pain. I’m not just depressed. My heart is broken. What a fuckhead! Seriously? You motherfucker! I cheated on you 14 years ago. You went through this! And yet I’m just “depressed”? FUCK YOU! Again, I kept my cool. I knew if I lost it, this window would close. 

It was at this point I told him about my Bad Dreams (see earlier post). I said that I never thought of divorce. I couldn’t imagine our lives separate. We said some more things, back and forth. We kept our heads. My heart broke a little more. We hugged. I softly called him an idiot. 

We went to bed last night feeling just okay. I was still processing and replaying everything he said. Aligning it to my mental timeline. Reeling in the revelation that he really thought we wouldn’t survive last year. 

Today is a better day. We woke up in the best way possible – with a lovely morning delight. 

No, I can’t think of a tomorrow just yet. I can only think of today and replay yesterday, over and over in my head, searching for answers.