A Grilling or Trickling?

woman-grilling

 

OR

trickling_water

Weird title, I know. But, here’s my question to the cheaters and the betrayeds:

Would you want to grill your spouse for a day/night and just hash out all the shit, the tension, the “I’m too scared to ask / I’m to scared to answer” questions or would you rather live with trickling truth?

I’m getting to the point that I want to baby step toward forgiveness, but I still have some questions that, at this point in my “recovery” I believe important. In the scheme of things, they probably aren’t, but now they are. It’s almost a hurdle I have to jump over to get “there”.

Here’s my thinking. There have been times when J has thrown my past in my face as a deflection or just to hurt me. I know he still harbors hurt from my infidelity. Of course he does! But, he says he’s moved on. I don’t believe him. I think he has “moved on” in order for me to mirror him and not put him on the hot seat. Self-preservation tactic.

I would like to schedule a night away at a hotel, order enough rum and wine and just have at it. Get it out, off our chests, in our faces and just answer the damn questions or respond to accusations. Settle the multiple scores.

I feel it’s still a festering wound and this shit will eventually come to the surface, but not in the best or most prepared way.

What do you think? Have you done it? (Besides the midnight – 4am grillings we all have been through). What has your experience been? Either way. Thanks! xxoo

Don’t want to jinx it

I know I haven’t posted anything in a few weeks (shocking, actually).

It’s not that I’ve been having a bad time. On the contrary, I’ve been having a good, almost great time lately.

And that’s what I’m worried about.

Did I just jinx it?

Will the other shoe drop?

God, I hope not.

No texts or calls from Evil Bitch in MONTHS.

I haven’t felt the need to ask questions about her in the past few weeks.

What’s weird is that I’m finding it easier and easier to really not give a shit about her (WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WOMAN WRITING THIS POST? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?) I just don’t know what to make of my change. Is it indifference? Is it confidence? Is it healing? Beats the shit out of me but, I’ll take it!

J has been awesome. Seriously.

He apologized for what he did to me/us a few times in the last few weeks! (Especially since he read that Loyalty post that Pablo’s Wife shared with us — thank you! xx). He’s actually apologized when he lost his patience with me last week (shocker) and for interrupting me the other day (shocker #2).

Just yesterday, he was leaving for golf with our youngest son (Father’s Day fun for him), and I made a joke! Yes, I actually joked about his affair! This is a major, major step for me! This is how it went down: He thanked me for letting him go play golf on Father’s Day and for having a selfishly fun day. I said he deserved to have fun, but don’t have too much fun! I even wiggled my eyebrows at him and said, “You know what I mean [insert cigar and funny glasses with that remark]”. He wasn’t prepared for my levity! He reacted pretty immaturely and said “No!” and walked off! AS IFFFFFF! That was my first reaction. But, after a few minutes, I just let it roll off my back (yes, another step toward healing? – maybe). Within 30 minutes of his reaction, he came back and apologized to me! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS MAN?

Again, I don’t want to jinx it.

Our sex life is still great, not quite crazy rabbit sex, but still off the charts and we are finding a realistic groove.

We don’t have another marriage counseling session until July 3rd (HippyDippy’s vacation schedule and our crazy work schedules delayed it). That’s fine. I don’t feel the need for mediation at this moment. That may change. And I know I’ll get something out of the session. J agrees.

So, my life is finding a good rhythm with all the end-of-year craziness with school, parties and such. We still find time to connect and we still are on a good path.

But, like I said before, I don’t want to jinx it.