Thinking back to October 11, 2013, three days prior to D day, I was in the midst of suspicious thoughts, fears and denials from my husband.
He continued with his texts and throwing my past back in my face (to some degree, deserved). I was numb and sick and scared.
My reply to his previous text:
I feel sick and exhausted. But mostly scared that you don’t love me like you used to. What I did to you years ago will haunt me until I die, as it should. I know you don’t desire me like you once did and obviously you are pursuing those desires in other ways.
My self-esteem was at an all time low at this point (and about to get lower, unbeknownst to me). I find it amazing, though, that I would cower and feel so low about myself, and still feel the tremendous guilt of my previous affair. I think that this point is the most important in my current healing process.
I cheated on him. I have tried to rebuild trust, respect and love back with him over the past 13+ years. I thought I had. However, once hurt like that, you will always be hurt and that was evident in his replies.
I don’t know what to say. Maybe that’s true, but I never let it get to that point and never wanted it to.Your wrong. I thank God all the time that I have you. I could not possibly love you more than I do.I do think your beautiful. I always have and always will. The problem is every time I told you, you would say “No I’m not, I’m Fat”I felt like I was hurting your feelings every time I said it so I stopped.As far as desiring that’s my hang up. I want to have sex with you but I always end up getting to aggressive and hurting you. It immediately turns me off and then I’m embarrassed to pursue it again. I get so much satisfaction just from pleasuring you sometimes I don’t even need anything else. I would like it if sometimes when we’re in bed that you would take the initiative.The other problem is I’m just so tired of all <volunteer org> crap.I find no joy in it anymore whatsoever. But I was such an enabler I don’t know how to get other people to understand that it’s just all consuming for me at this point.. It seems hardly anyone else is willing to put any kind of extra effort into it and I’m so afraid the group is going to fail and that’s going to be my legacy.And above all I feel that this is affecting our relationship.I can’t go on without you. You are everything to me!