Clueless and Naive

Thinking back to October 11, 2013, three days prior to D day, I was in the midst of suspicious thoughts, fears and denials from my husband.

He continued with his texts and throwing my past back in my face (to some degree, deserved). I was numb and sick and scared.

My reply to his previous text:

I feel sick and exhausted. But mostly scared that you don’t love me like you used to. What I did to you years ago will haunt me until I die, as it should. I know you don’t desire me like you once did and obviously you are pursuing those desires in other ways.

My self-esteem was at an all time low at this point (and about to get lower, unbeknownst to me). I find it amazing, though, that I would cower and feel so low about myself, and still feel the tremendous guilt of my previous affair. I think that this point is the most important in my current healing process.

I cheated on him. I have tried to rebuild trust, respect and love back with him over the past 13+ years. I thought I had. However, once hurt like that, you will always be hurt and that was evident in his replies.

I don’t know what to say. Maybe that’s true, but I never let it get to that point and never wanted it to.
Your wrong. I thank God all the time that I have you. I could not possibly love you more than I do.
I do think your beautiful. I always have and always will. The problem is every time I told you, you would say “No I’m not, I’m Fat”I felt like I was hurting your feelings every time I said it so I stopped.
As far as desiring that’s my hang up. I want to have sex with you but I always end up getting to aggressive and hurting you. It immediately turns me off and then I’m embarrassed to pursue it again. I get so much satisfaction just from pleasuring you sometimes I don’t even need anything else. I would like it if sometimes when we’re in bed that you would take the initiative.
The other problem is I’m just so tired of all <volunteer org> crap.
I find no joy in it anymore whatsoever. But I was such an enabler I don’t know how to get other people to understand that it’s just all consuming for me at this point.. It seems hardly anyone else is willing to put any kind of extra effort into it and I’m so afraid the group is going to fail and that’s going to be my legacy.
And above all I feel that this is affecting our relationship.
I can’t go on without you. You are everything to me!
Sex life is so important in relationships. I have learned that men (or I should state, most men), feel emotionally close to their mate through sex. I will say that our sex life was dwindling during last year. His approach was always too sexual (groping) when I was not in the mood or prepared (usually cooking dinner or getting ready for work).
I recall the moment when he was too aggressive (meaning, we tried intercourse but it hurt me – unintentionally on his part) and he just totally shut down and got out of bed. This was before his apology letter about getting the porn virus on his computer.
Also know that at this point, I didn’t think “affair” but flirty banter and therefore, semi-innocent. I hadn’t gone back to the previous months, yet. I don’t think. I only was dealing in the text counts for that current month — which was bad enough.
I was only focused on our text communication that afternoon into early evening – not digging deep, yet. Still clueless. Still naive. Still trusting. Still stupidly ignorant…

Elvis really knew his shit…

The Elvis song, “Suspicious Minds,” comes to mind here that helps describe the days before D day, October 14, 2013.

Started off as a great week. Post anniversary trip, it was awesome! Felt connected, loved, happy! Busy week was on tap. I was ready!

Took my youngest son to his driver’s test bright and early. He passed! Woo hoo!

Regular week at work, nothing crazy. Was looking forward to the long holiday weekend. Weather was looking nice, too

That Thursday, I was figuring out what phone I wanted for an upgrade so I went online to look at our mobile account and noticed a very high amount of texts on my husband’s account. Weird. But, he did have a smart phone for the first time that year – guess he really enjoyed it!

After dinner, I commented to J that he was in direct competition with our youngest, K, for the most texts in one month. Chuckle. Didn’t think about it and eventually went to bed.

Friday morning, doing some work early, I had an intuition to check the online account again and see who he was texting with. Wow, mostly one number that wasn’t MINE. hmmmm

I recall his earlier amusement on the ride to our anniversary weekend reading and writing texts to his “co-workers.” They are a woman and a guy. Really? How come only one number came up on the bill? like…300+ times!!! WTF? Was I seeing things? I started to feel sick. I remember saying, “No, no, no…please no!”

I had to stop thinking, so I got ready for my workout but before I left, I sent him a text:

“I’ve got a serious question for you. Do you have a crush on —–?”

No immediate response, yet I know he got the text (text receipt). OK, I left and worked out, wondering if I would hear the sound of an incoming text. Nothing. You are probably wondering why I used the word “crush” and not “affair.” To be honest, I didn’t go “there” in my mind. I thought more naïvely — and this is coming from a woman who betrayed her husband years ago. I knew what an affair was. But, I didn’t think my husband would do that to me…or us, after what I did to him and us all those years ago. NOT HIM. HE WAS BETTER THAN I. HE WOULD NEVER HURT ME LIKE THAT.

Two hours and 30+ minutes later, I received his reply:

I was going to call you, but when I text I can put my thoughts together better.
Let me answer the question behind the question.
Do you have anything to worry about? NO
Do I have a crush on —–? NO
Do I enjoy working with —– and our banter? Yes
She’s our age, has 2 boys, similar upbringing, similar lifestyle, similar stories.
Have I texted back and forth with her over the past few months a completely ridiculous amount of times. YES
Don’t have a good explanation why except I enjoyed it. It was fun.
Did I not tell you because she’s a women. yes
Would I have told you if it was a guy. Probably.
Do I recognize this was utterly stupid. YES
I love you and only you! Should have recognized this would  hurt your feelings and thought it through.

I was numb. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t like his reply. He didn’t call me. He texted me. Fucking hell.

I started to shut down. I felt like I was going to faint. So, I told my sons, who were home from classes, that I wasn’t feeling well and was going to lay down.

I went to our bedroom, pulled the blinds down, turned on the TV and started to think, worry and obsess.

I sent him a second text, another question:

“Was it ever flirtatious?”

About an hour later, he replied:

I have to answer yes. Although around our company that’s a normal thing.
I’m not sure where this is going?
It was wrong, I’m sorry. I in no way meant to hurt you. Won’t do it again.  It was not a crush.  
If you wish to talk about it we can.
That last time I asked you for your passwords, years back, while I had your computer in my hand, you adamantly refused to give them to me. I never pursued it.
Let me know if you would prefer I didn’t come home. At this point I’m just
beyond caring about anything anymore.

Yeah — okay. Throwing my past in my face. Good tactic. Should put me off his scent. Hitting below the belt. Great.

“I’m just beyond caring about anything anymore.” WTF? What did that mean? Huh???

My stomach hurt. I couldn’t breathe…


Suspicious Minds

“Suspicious Minds”

We’re caught in a trap
I can’t walk out
Because I love you too much baby

Why can’t you see
What you’re doing to me
When you don’t believe a word I say?

We can’t go on together
With suspicious minds
And we can’t build our dreams
On suspicious minds

So, if an old friend I know
Drops by to say hello
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?

Here we go again
Asking where I’ve been
You can’t see these tears are real
I’m crying

We can’t go on together
With suspicious minds
And we can’t build our dreams
On suspicious minds

Oh let our love survive
Or dry the tears from your eyes
Let’s don’t let a good thing die

When honey, you know
I’ve never lied to you
Mmm yeah, yeah

Sexting and porn? What????

So, as I was saying in my previous post, I fell in love with my husband for a second time after he discovered MY AFFAIR.

It was a tough year but we came through it. He forgave me and we NEVER talked about it. I frankly don’t remember much of that time, just some high and low lights. I remember his utter love for me. I really never felt it at that depth with the exception of during the births of our children. I also remember his mistrust for a very long time and rightly so. I was unfaithful and hurt him so very deeply.

So, fast forward to 2013. Our lives are typical family lives — kids are busy, so are we. We have two vacations that year — very rare. Went on a cruise in the spring and then to the beach in the summer. We enjoyed the time together as a family because we knew it was bittersweet — time was precious as our youngest would be attending university the following year. My husband turned 50 that summer. I didn’t throw him a party (he hates that) but I also didn’t over celebrate it (my mistake).

Sex life? Well, it wasn’t great — at all. It used to be (don’t we all say that?). I was feeling poorly about myself (age, weight, hormonal changes…yeah, the lovely 40’s) and finally started with a trainer in May. Our vacation was in June. We barely had sex. I wanted romance and loving and he just wanted wam/bam.

I kept on going to the trainer and was seeing positive results. He never mentioned how I looked. In fact, he never talked about how I looked. No compliments and if there were any, I can’t remember them and probably shot them down with self-deprication. Listen, I can pull myself together pretty well. I’m very feminine (with a snarky personality). I’m a professional woman and dress well. Late summer, two things changed/happened. He started to sext me. Out of the blue. Very unexpected and weird at first. It was pretty hot, to be honest. That was early August. He was working a lot, going in on weekends (odd) and working on Mondays (his off day). OK, so, he’s devoted and loyal. Got it. Admire him for it. Late August, on a Sunday morning, I woke up late-ish to find a letter from him. His computer was infected with a virus from visiting porn sites. He was embarrassed and couldn’t face me. He apologized and I texted him and told him not to be embarrassed–that it was okay and we would figure it out.

He came home and honestly, I couldn’t care about him looking at porn. Thought it was normal for guys. Life resumed as normal. September rolls around, school starts, life gets busy. I told him that I would like to plan an anniversary trip for our #24, which was early October. He said ok and I started coming up with ideas.

Third week of September, we chose to go up to the Adirondacks. Around the time of booking the trip, I joined J on a hike at a local mountain. It was fun and I noticed he was texting while we were stuck in traffic enroute. I asked who it was and he said it was the guys from work. OK, whatever…

Anniversary trip started with a long car ride. I drove, he texted. He laughed at some of the comments and told me his response as he typed. Chuckle, chuckle. Weekend was so much fun. We had sex! HOORAY! We walked all over the area, attended a fall festival, ate, drank and enjoyed each other. We reconnected. Or so I thought…

Another tragedy…

My story of betrayal started October 14, 2013…

Sad to say that this is ANOTHER tragic story, isn’t it? There are TOO MANY of these today!

I’m embarking on a journey of blogging to help myself get through the pain and discover a stronger, smarter and happier woman in the process.

I am not a writer, but I am a fan of a well-turned phrase or two. I hope I can entertain, inform, move, inspire those reading this. I may anger (I know I will) some of you with my words, but I hope I also find solace and compassion from some of you.

My story (or should I say recent chapter?) began in October of last year. I was preparing to upgrade my mobile phone and started to look at the cell phone bills online to find out if my family plan was still within the acceptable use range. What I discovered was that my husband’s text message counts were in competing with my one son’s! I didn’t dig at that point, but made a comment to him (referred to as J) telling him that he may usurp our son (K) of the text king in the house. Chuckle, chuckle…no further comment.

Well, I guess a little sleep and continued subconscious thoughts worked their magic because the next morning I decided to dig and I discovered one phone number to be the primary to/from text parter. WTF? (By the way, I like to curse, but will try to curb that here…) By 10am I was worried, but still so f’ing naive to think it was something more.

So, on 10/11/13 at 11:14am, I texted J and asked if he had a crush on the one woman he works with (he’s the manager and she works for him, btw). I left for my workout. No word from him until 1:43pm where he said he was going to call but decided to text because he can get his thoughts straight. He said that he would answer the question within the question and did I have anything to worry about? NO, did he text a ridiculous amount, YES and bunch of other bullshit.

I was frozen and still had that impending doom feeling that this was not the truth. I went home and went to bed. I said I wasn’t feeling well to the boys and I just started digging more online in the phone bill. The obsession to find out was firmly planted. I was a bit numb. I was in denial, along with his blatant declarations.

We texted back and forth for the remainder of the day and when he finally came home, we hugged, I teared up (not wanting to cry in front of the boys) and tip toed around the issue.

He was angry at me! and I knew why…why he did this and why he now threw it in my face…

You see, there is more to this story — an earlier chapter — that plays a major part in this tragedy.  I cheated on him many years ago with two men. (This is where I wait silently for the ridicule). It was in 1998-2000. I met two men online. Developed a friendship with the first one, which blossomed into a brief but poignant affair later that year. The second man I was instantly attracted to online and also happened during that time with the first. They were both from the UK and were younger than I. The first man was unmarried, yet the second was married and father of a young boy, same age as my first son.

In early September of 2000, upon my return from a trip to the UK, J confronted me and knew I was having an affair. I think he got into my computer somehow and he just blew up, screamed, was almost physical with me for hours. I was scared and was shocked he gave a shit, to be honest. For over two years, I was emotionally removed from my marriage. I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring, and I was playing with fire. I was so unhappy and looking for love in all the wrong places. Under financial stress, parental challenges (oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD) and his detachment from me became the perfect recipe for me to escape and find trouble. And I did.

What happened after his own D-day of September 2000? I begged for his forgiveness, yet I was still in love with my AP#2 (referred to as L). I was confused and couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw, heard and felt my husband’s love. I hadn’t seen it given to me in years and was shocked. J gave me compassion (not forgiveness right away). He said that he would always love me even if I chose to leave. Yes, I contemplated leaving my marriage, home and two beautiful children at that time. You’ve all heard about the “affair fog”? Well, it was pea soup for me. I was stupid, immature and confused. Weeks and months went on and J still showed me love, a renewed chemistry and compassion. He told me one night in bed that I could take any money in our savings and use it to start a new life if I wanted. I cried and cried in his arms, saying over and over how sorry I was for hurting him and could’t believe how good he was being to me. That was the beginning of his forgiveness, I suppose…The problem that I still was contributing to was that I still was in love with L and had to break it off.

We went on a trip to NC for a cousin’s wedding that November and reignited our own love affair. It was magical. Our sex life was hot! He treated me like a woman and I treated him like a man. At some point during that timeframe, I told him that I chose to stay with him, to rebuild our marriage and to break it off with L. It took me time to ween myself away of L because it was a pretty powerful addiction (that’s what it was…to some degree). At this point in my life, at age 35, I fell in love with my husband for a second time.

I’ll write more and continue my stories..but right now I have to go to work!