Today is my 50th birthday. No one is home, either at work or shopping. The house is decorated for Christmas with fairy lights everywhere. Music is swirling around the kitchen. I just made 6 dozen cookies and poured myself a glass of Pinot Noir.
…and I just realized that I’m happy.
I don’t want to wake up.
A pretty good list we all can relate to:
Well, it’s that time of year where the dates of infidelity hit me where my heart was…
How am I doing? I’m doing great, to be honest. Not perfect, but great!
It will be two years October 10, 11 & 14 (suspicion/investigation, questioning/denial, confrontation/truth) since him coming clean. Happy Anti-versary for us October BSers! Yeah! Oh, it’s also the month of my actual wedding anniversary – ha! The irony! It’s a bitch, isn’t it?
Yesterday, I found myself thinking of the upcoming weeks and digging into the timeline of my husband’s infidelity, as well as remembering my timeline of my own infidelity. Just a year ago, it would have sucked me into a vortex of pain.
I didn’t want to go “there” so I did something positive. While on an exhausting conference call yesterday, I started browsing family photos on my Mac. I looked back to when our boys were little ones and all our family vacations that happened post my infidelity. I realized that all those wonderful memories of being a family wouldn’t have been possible if I left my marriage then. It brought me great joy to look at all those photos and knowing that my husband’s forgiveness and ability to move past my infidelity was a gift. Can I do that for him? I think so, I hope so, I’m trying!
It helped me. I realized I didn’t hurt so much yesterday and I look forward to our future. I found a coping mechanism that pours in light instead of darkness.
Yes, he still works with the OW. Yes, I still want to rip her fucking hair out. Yes, I am still vigilant in my awareness. It’s just how it is for now. It won’t be forever (their working together). I have faith that a change will happen that will help me feel secure in his work situation.
It does get easier. Hopefully it gets better and better. I have faith in that.
As Paula said, I’m a romantic realist. I think that’s true. It’s my life and I choose what I want. I have the power. I’m getting stronger. I’m finding happiness and ways to get through the tough days…x
18 months since Dday.
I don’t check the mobile phone account as obsessively.
I don’t look at her Facebook profile everyday.
I don’t check his browser history like I used to.
That’s progress! Right?
Things are good. Some silly, minor tiffs, but nothing horrible. In fact, we are learning to resolve more quickly. Yet, we both have been a little moody/bitchy. Probably due to him quitting smoking (grumpy man). Oh, and we are both on a health kick…no bread, no cheese, no pasta, no chocolate. It’s hell…haha.
He says more heartfelt things. Like the other morning right before dawn, he whispered that I was perfect for him.
I can’t believe it’s been 18 months. Honestly, the first 13 months sucked. Not really knowing how things were going to pan out. Still not sure…but, are we ever?
No. If that is one thing I’ve learned from this shit sandwich is that NOTHING is for sure. Nothing.
Just today.
One year ago, people — one year ago I decided to write about the shit my life was in! In many ways, it helped keep my sane. In other ways, I questioned it!
It honestly seems longer than one year. I am happy I wrote down “my calendar of emotions!” I really am. It helps me remember key points and turning points in my life. I have a habit of forgetting some of those (self-preservation? damn straight), so the chronicle of the events help.
Quick life update: another 2+ weeks in my cast to go. I am seriously going stir crazy! Remodel project is more than half way through! I’ll post photos soon, I promise! Marriage is going well. There are dry spells in communication, but I’m chalking it up to stress of life (broken ankle, loss of job and remodel). When I would get too “into my head” I would get up and go for a fast walk to work it out of my system. I can’t do that and it’s definitely affecting me! Yesterday, I was a bit blue. J sensed it and asked what was wrong, but I didn’t want to get into anything. I just didn’t have the energy. I can’t wait to get this friggin cast off! Today, I woke up in a better mood.
I promise it does get better. Whatever the decision you’ve made (flight or fight / stay or go), it HAS to get better!
I hope 2015 is awesome for not only me, but YOU, too!
xxoo
It could be worse.
I broke my ankle two weeks ago.
Laid off on Tuesday after 15 years.
Kids in college with huge tuitions.
High health insurance premiums.
It could be worse. Not really that upset. Not even close.
Discovering infidelity a million times worse!
Keeping everything in perspective 😉
So, my holidays were nice. My birthday was a few days before Christmas and I received from J a gorgeous diamond heart pendant necklace and heart lock and key charm for my silver bracelet. But, the best part of the gift was my birthday card from him where he really expressed some wonderful feelings and love. THAT was THE gift, in my eyes. Oh, I love the jewelry, don’t get me wrong 😉
We both had two weeks off for Christmas and New Year’s and were planning on really getting the house prepped for the big kitchen and bath remodel (slated to start on January 2nd). Well, those best laid plans really got screwed when I missed one step and broke my ankle!
Yup, I broke it and have been lying with my leg up and iced for over a week and going absolutely ape-shit crazy!
I have a lovely cast on and it’s PURPLE. I find out tomorrow with a second set of X-rays if I require surgery or not. Fingers crossed!
And typical, when it rains it pours, the remodeling/demo started last Friday and my house is a fucking war zone! Can’t cook, can’t move, sneezing from all the dust, house freezing because of all the demo, head pounding due to all the pounding but, but, but… It’s pretty awesome at the same time. Just to see my vision start to take shape into some reality (one expensive mother f’ing reality!).
I just have to LET IT GO…let the mess go, let my hair go, let me without make-up go, let me in yoga pants each and every day go, let the stress goooooooooooo!
So, how do I fill my days? Well, I read, I work (thank goodness for telecommuting and laptops), and I direct from the sofa or my bed. My house is filled with more men than I would EVER want. My family + 3–6 contractors. Yeah, lots of compassion for me (oh the little lady has a bum ankle…etc., etc.) and I’m milking every moment of it!
I still read some of the blogs and feel for each and every one of the new member’s anguish, their dealing with the holidays and all that pain brings.
So, you’ll ask how am “I” doing? The answer: actually okay!
I just don’t have time to obsess over his infidelity much. I just don’t give a shit about Evil Bitch. Do I still wish her warts, hair loss, weight gain and her teeth to fall out? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY! But, it’s not on the front burner of my mindset these days. Hasn’t been for awhile.
How has my husband been you ask? WONDERFUL. He has taken care of me like a knight/superman. He’s back at work and still takes care of me at night. Poor guy! But, I figure I’m worth it 😉
So, folks, I’m doing okay despite all the craziness of my current life!
But, I do think about all of you, my friends here and hope you are all doing well!? For those that don’t post as much, I catch up with your comments when I can. For the new ladies to this shitty sisterhood, I have some hopes for you in this new year:
xxoo,
Tempted
Nothing major to report, peeps! So far, so good.
We are getting along.
Only one trigger in a while and that was last Saturday. Was a funk for most of the day, but I eventually got over it and the next day was great.
Prepping for the kitchen and bath remodel right after the holidays and son #2 comes home from college this weekend (damn, now I have to shop and cook more – can’t wait! haha).
Just letting you all know that I’m doing fine. We are doing fine and that the further I go, the less obsessive I am.
Hugs and love to all! Please check in and let me know you are still kickin’
xxoo
We had our big talk last night.
I asked him, pointblank, if he will find another job.
He said no. He loves his job and it’s just a job. Nothing is ever discussed or talked about at work. It’s over. It has been for over a year.
I asked why he won’t. He said he loves his job, it’s convenient, it’s a 4-day work week. He can’t imagine starting over again. Change is hard for him.
I said that I felt he was still working there and not searching for another job, which he said he would (he categorically denies he said it…said he doesn’t remember it), as a form of punishment toward me. He said that was not true. How could I think that?
I said that he hasn’t had to change one bit about his life this past year. I’ve done everything in my power to make him fall in love with me again. Anything we’ve done is because I begged him: reading the books (which I said he still hasn’t finished), going to marriage counseling, etc. He really resented that accusation. How could I say he hasn’t done anything? What he’s done for this marriage?
I then said that I would like to speak to EB. If she is a part of our lives now, at least I should meet her and have a conversation with her. He didn’t like that. He asked how would l feel if he contacted L, my AP? He said it wasn’t a good idea to involve EB. He was pissed.
I let that stew a few moments and then said I wouldn’t contact her (I might, though…we’ll see…).
He said that I’ll never move on. That I’ll always be stuck. He’s afraid to come home most nights, not knowing how things are because I’m so depressed. I responded saying that my heart is broken. I’m not depressed. I’m in pain. I told him that I guess he just doesn’t realize how much I love him and how painful this has been.
I said I was scared. Not knowing what was going to happen to us. I asked him if he was scared, too. He said he was terrified.
I said that I couldn’t believe, he of all people, would do this. He asked what I meant. I said that with his father’s infidelity, then mine, he would do it, knowing the devastation it would cause. He said something like, “Oh, so I’m a horrible person (or something like that).” and I responded that I never suspected. I trusted him completely. And that has been what’s hard to overcome. I said that I didn’t know what I wanted to say or do. I just felt numb. I wasn’t going to cry. I was just a bit dead inside. It was weird. I mentally noted how calm I was.
He apologized again. He said that he was so sorry for doing this to me.
He got up and a few minutes later, sat back down and said that he was sorry that he will never be able to make me happy.
I sat back and took a breath. I then said that I know what I want. I want him, our marriage. He stood back up and went into our bedroom.
I followed, because I wasn’t done with my statement.
I said that because I want our marriage, I realize that I have to let this all go. That I have to forget this all happened and completely move on.
Braver words than what I was feeling. But, I had a moment where I had to decide if I wanted to be right or be happy.
I said that I have swallowed my pride over the last year, more than he can realize. We exchanged some other things…and he said how much he resented my previous statement that he hasn’t done anything this past year. I apologized and said that was harsh. Yet, I’m scared. I said that I had been working so hard on myself over the past year, physically. Did he notice? He said he did. I then asked if I physically turned him on? He got completely defenseless and said we had to end this conversation. This was going into a direction he didn’t want to go right then. He said we had to stop, take a break. We could continue this conversation later. I knew we wouldn’t. We never do…
We went back down to the living room and finished watching some crap TV and hung out with our oldest son. He then said he was going to bed. I stayed down for a little bit. Just to give him a chance to be alone. I went up to bed and didn’t say a word to him. Nor did he say anything to me. Not even a kiss goodnight. It was a test. We both were testing. I woke up at 2:30 and started reading blogs and just having a hard time getting back to sleep. I finally did around 3:45am. I wanted to cuddle with him, but he was turned the other way. So I laid my hand on his chest and he eventually turned so my hand had to drop.
The alarm went off at 5:45am and he spooned me. It was an olive branch. He said he loved me completely and I hugged him and said that I loved him, too.
He then got up and took a shower. After that he hugged me and said that he loves me and only me. I hugged and kissed him back.
He left for work and texted me when he got there. It was a good text. This is why he does. Takes him a day to respond and to say or text things that moves us forward.
I don’t know, guys. One day at a time. One emotion at a time.
I do know one thing. I choose to be happy. It will take me years to digest the pride I swallowed. Or is it my heart?
Maybe it’s the change in clocks, but I feel as though I’m a bit “stuck” with inner dialog and anger. I’m falling back – doing what I did pre-affair.
Is it normal for recovering from infidelity? Probably. Is it fun? No, it’s not.
I had a bad day yesterday. It was Tuesday. I woke up at 4am and my mind started the replay. EB was off all last week and I was able to breathe. Yesterday, I felt the breath leave me. I hugged him when he left for work and just said, “I hate Tuesdays.” He gruffly said, “I know.”
I was in a funk all day because of it. I went into my office and brought home three boxes of crap, as we are cleaning out and preparing for the big office move. Even with all that going on, I was still preoccupied – distracted – disconnected.
Question to the BS’s out there…how long did it take for you to start having “back talk” in your mind and noticing those small things that annoy you about your spouse?
This has just started for me. I used to have it pre-affair. Twenty three years married of “little things” and grumbling under my breath at things he would do or say. I’m worried. I don’t like it.
After the affair, those little annoyances didn’t bother me. In some f’ed up way, they were endearing. I was just so happy to be together.
Now, I’m not so sure. Perhaps I’m finally out of the BS fog. You know, the honeymoon sex, the “he walks on water” and “isn’t he so hot?” I’m not happy about it. The BS fog was nicer. It formed a bubble/cocoon that prevented the shit from becoming real.
But, what’s really bothering me is that I’m feeling a bit stuck for not knowing what he’s going to do about a new job. He keeps surfing next vacations, stupid sports scores, but not even a hint at looking for another job.
He’s smoking again, too — has been since the summer. He smoked last year and on 10/17, I threw out his pack of cigarettes, out the truck window. He quit cold turkey then. Weird how I remember all the specific dates of things that week. But, I’m sure we all do to some extent…
Guess who also smokes? Yup, Ms. Evil Bitch. Oh, but “they don’t usually smoke alone.” Another person “almost always joins them.”
I resent both of these things: no new job and smoking.
I think that’s part of my pent-up anger and it’s going to boil over soon.
I’m scared, guys. I’m scared that he won’t find another job and that will be it for us. I think I’ve swallowed enough pride and paid my dues from my past sins. At least, I think I have. He must still be punishing me. I just can’t imagine what his motive(s) are if he isn’t.
We are getting the remodeling done. Final things selected and it should be full remodel mode by early December. All I am thinking lately is…well, it will be good for resale because I don’t know if we’ll be here much longer.
Sigh
Didn’t think my heart could break anymore. I was wrong. It just keeps breaking a little each and every day.
tempted by the fruit of another 