Let It Go

We had our big talk last night.

I asked him, pointblank, if he will find another job.

He said no. He loves his job and it’s just a job. Nothing is ever discussed or talked about at work. It’s over. It has been for over a year.

I asked why he won’t. He said he loves his job, it’s convenient, it’s a 4-day work week. He can’t imagine starting over again. Change is hard for him.

I said that I felt he was still working there and not searching for another job, which he said he would (he categorically denies he said it…said he doesn’t remember it), as a form of punishment toward me. He said that was not true. How could I think that?

I said that he hasn’t had to change one bit about his life this past year. I’ve done everything in my power to make him fall in love with me again. Anything we’ve done is because I begged him: reading the books (which I said he still hasn’t finished), going to marriage counseling, etc. He really resented that accusation. How could I say he hasn’t done anything? What he’s done for this marriage?

I then said that I would like to speak to EB. If she is a part of our lives now, at least I should meet her and have a conversation with her. He didn’t like that. He asked how would l feel if he contacted L, my AP? He said it wasn’t a good idea to involve EB. He was pissed.

I let that stew a few moments and then said I wouldn’t contact her (I might, though…we’ll see…).

He said that I’ll never move on. That I’ll always be stuck. He’s afraid to come home most nights, not knowing how things are because I’m so depressed. I responded saying that my heart is broken. I’m not depressed. I’m in pain. I told him that I guess he just doesn’t realize how much I love him and how painful this has been.

I said I was scared. Not knowing what was going to happen to us. I asked him if he was scared, too. He said he was terrified.

I said that I couldn’t believe, he of all people, would do this. He asked what I meant. I said that with his father’s infidelity, then mine, he would do it, knowing the devastation it would cause. He said something like, “Oh, so I’m a horrible person (or something like that).” and I responded that I never suspected. I trusted him completely. And that has been what’s hard to overcome. I said that I didn’t know what I wanted to say or do. I just felt numb. I wasn’t going to cry. I was just a bit dead inside. It was weird. I mentally noted how calm I was.

He apologized again. He said that he was so sorry for doing this to me.

He got up and a few minutes later, sat back down and said that he was sorry that he will never be able to make me happy.

I sat back and took a breath. I then said that I know what I want. I want him, our marriage. He stood back up and went into our bedroom.

I followed, because I wasn’t done with my statement.

I said that because I want our marriage, I realize that I have to let this all go. That I have to forget this all happened and completely move on.

Braver words than what I was feeling. But, I had a moment where I had to decide if I wanted to be right or be happy.

I said that I have swallowed my pride over the last  year, more than he can realize. We exchanged some other things…and he said how much he resented my previous statement that he hasn’t done anything this past year. I apologized and said that was harsh. Yet, I’m scared. I said that I had been working so hard on myself over the past year, physically. Did he notice? He said he did. I then asked if I physically turned him on? He got completely defenseless and said we had to end this conversation. This was going into a direction he didn’t want to go right then. He said we had to stop, take a break. We could continue this conversation later. I knew we wouldn’t. We never do…

We went back down to the living room and finished watching some crap TV and hung out with our oldest son. He then said he was going to bed. I stayed down for a little bit. Just to give him a chance to be alone. I went up to bed and didn’t say a word to him. Nor did he say anything to me. Not even a kiss goodnight. It was a test. We both were testing. I woke up at 2:30 and started reading blogs and just having a hard time getting back to sleep. I finally did around 3:45am. I wanted to cuddle with him, but he was turned the other way. So I laid my hand on his chest and he eventually turned so my hand had to drop.

The alarm went off at 5:45am and he spooned me. It was an olive branch. He said he loved me completely and I hugged him and said that I loved him, too.

He then got up and took a shower. After that he hugged me and said that he loves me and only me. I hugged and kissed him back.

He left for work and texted me when he got there. It was a good text. This is why he does. Takes him a day to respond and to say or text things that moves us forward.

I don’t know, guys. One day at a time. One emotion at a time.

I do know one thing. I choose to be happy. It will take me years to digest the pride I swallowed. Or is it my heart?

16 thoughts on “Let It Go

  1. ❤ Tempted, why is it so difficult for them to open up and talk?? Why is running away so much easier?? I'm pleased you had a talk even if you heard some things you weren't hoping to hear. Talking is good. Communication is vital. Keep the channels open. XOXO

  2. Choose happy 🙂 choose it and hold it close to your broken heart my dear sweet friend. I am sad for you, proud of you and hopeful for you 🙂 Push those clouds aside and feel the light/sun on your face, and let the happy consume you. Let it shadow any fears or anger,.

    Hugs my sweet friend, and in answer to your question last week? I would someday too like to spend a weekend on the beach, or even here in the heartland with you, a drink, some crying and laughs. Maybe we should start a healing weekend thing too…only with booze and laughter to help wash the tears down 😉

  3. Tempted, it really sounds as though he only has feelings for you. I’m sorry he won’t quit that job…for you, it really angers me too. But I think you two can move on if you were to let that go. How’d it go with the smoking?

  4. Though this might be hard to digest or understand: you could also consider it a gift he won’t quit his job. First of all he is being his honest self with you – not acting like a marionette, which you might have resented him for in the long run. But most of all, because while you might think that would have made you totally happy; you can not be sure of that. It remains the question. You might have been spared instead (resenting your husband, resentment from him – leading to who knows what?). You could look at it this way: he’s handed you a shortcut for the opportunity to explore the wisdom that real happiness is found within oneself, not in external factors. Good luck!

  5. Choosing happiness is good. Learning from what happened and taking steps to insure it never happens again is great. Personally, if he flat out refuses to consider changing jobs, then he at LEAST owes you the right to talk to EB. If that brings some measure of peace or closure then I say go for it. Maybe it would set your mind at east that it’s really over. For her as well as him. And I’m sorry, but it was a cheap shot to bring up your AP. I assume the two of you aren’t working together right now, so that is entirely different.

    • Grace, I agree on all the points you made. I will meet EB, but am holding that card close to my chest and will choose to use it when the timing is right!

      No, I never worked with my AP. Haven’t seen or spoken to him in 14 years. Yeah…cheap shot. Proves that my husband still in pain and deflecting blame. Just a matter of time to change that dynamic for the better!

  6. You’ve been missing in action, ms tempted. Just wanted you to know I was looking for you, thinking about your story. Hope all is well, or at least good enough. xo

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