Don’t want to jinx it

I know I haven’t posted anything in a few weeks (shocking, actually).

It’s not that I’ve been having a bad time. On the contrary, I’ve been having a good, almost great time lately.

And that’s what I’m worried about.

Did I just jinx it?

Will the other shoe drop?

God, I hope not.

No texts or calls from Evil Bitch in MONTHS.

I haven’t felt the need to ask questions about her in the past few weeks.

What’s weird is that I’m finding it easier and easier to really not give a shit about her (WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WOMAN WRITING THIS POST? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?) I just don’t know what to make of my change. Is it indifference? Is it confidence? Is it healing? Beats the shit out of me but, I’ll take it!

J has been awesome. Seriously.

He apologized for what he did to me/us a few times in the last few weeks! (Especially since he read that Loyalty post that Pablo’s Wife shared with us — thank you! xx). He’s actually apologized when he lost his patience with me last week (shocker) and for interrupting me the other day (shocker #2).

Just yesterday, he was leaving for golf with our youngest son (Father’s Day fun for him), and I made a joke! Yes, I actually joked about his affair! This is a major, major step for me! This is how it went down: He thanked me for letting him go play golf on Father’s Day and for having a selfishly fun day. I said he deserved to have fun, but don’t have too much fun! I even wiggled my eyebrows at him and said, “You know what I mean [insert cigar and funny glasses with that remark]”. He wasn’t prepared for my levity! He reacted pretty immaturely and said “No!” and walked off! AS IFFFFFF! That was my first reaction. But, after a few minutes, I just let it roll off my back (yes, another step toward healing? – maybe). Within 30 minutes of his reaction, he came back and apologized to me! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS MAN?

Again, I don’t want to jinx it.

Our sex life is still great, not quite crazy rabbit sex, but still off the charts and we are finding a realistic groove.

We don’t have another marriage counseling session until July 3rd (HippyDippy’s vacation schedule and our crazy work schedules delayed it). That’s fine. I don’t feel the need for mediation at this moment. That may change. And I know I’ll get something out of the session. J agrees.

So, my life is finding a good rhythm with all the end-of-year craziness with school, parties and such. We still find time to connect and we still are on a good path.

But, like I said before, I don’t want to jinx it.

Clueless and Naive

Thinking back to October 11, 2013, three days prior to D day, I was in the midst of suspicious thoughts, fears and denials from my husband.

He continued with his texts and throwing my past back in my face (to some degree, deserved). I was numb and sick and scared.

My reply to his previous text:

I feel sick and exhausted. But mostly scared that you don’t love me like you used to. What I did to you years ago will haunt me until I die, as it should. I know you don’t desire me like you once did and obviously you are pursuing those desires in other ways.

My self-esteem was at an all time low at this point (and about to get lower, unbeknownst to me). I find it amazing, though, that I would cower and feel so low about myself, and still feel the tremendous guilt of my previous affair. I think that this point is the most important in my current healing process.

I cheated on him. I have tried to rebuild trust, respect and love back with him over the past 13+ years. I thought I had. However, once hurt like that, you will always be hurt and that was evident in his replies.

I don’t know what to say. Maybe that’s true, but I never let it get to that point and never wanted it to.
Your wrong. I thank God all the time that I have you. I could not possibly love you more than I do.
I do think your beautiful. I always have and always will. The problem is every time I told you, you would say “No I’m not, I’m Fat”I felt like I was hurting your feelings every time I said it so I stopped.
As far as desiring that’s my hang up. I want to have sex with you but I always end up getting to aggressive and hurting you. It immediately turns me off and then I’m embarrassed to pursue it again. I get so much satisfaction just from pleasuring you sometimes I don’t even need anything else. I would like it if sometimes when we’re in bed that you would take the initiative.
The other problem is I’m just so tired of all <volunteer org> crap.
I find no joy in it anymore whatsoever. But I was such an enabler I don’t know how to get other people to understand that it’s just all consuming for me at this point.. It seems hardly anyone else is willing to put any kind of extra effort into it and I’m so afraid the group is going to fail and that’s going to be my legacy.
And above all I feel that this is affecting our relationship.
I can’t go on without you. You are everything to me!
Sex life is so important in relationships. I have learned that men (or I should state, most men), feel emotionally close to their mate through sex. I will say that our sex life was dwindling during last year. His approach was always too sexual (groping) when I was not in the mood or prepared (usually cooking dinner or getting ready for work).
I recall the moment when he was too aggressive (meaning, we tried intercourse but it hurt me – unintentionally on his part) and he just totally shut down and got out of bed. This was before his apology letter about getting the porn virus on his computer.
Also know that at this point, I didn’t think “affair” but flirty banter and therefore, semi-innocent. I hadn’t gone back to the previous months, yet. I don’t think. I only was dealing in the text counts for that current month — which was bad enough.
I was only focused on our text communication that afternoon into early evening – not digging deep, yet. Still clueless. Still naive. Still trusting. Still stupidly ignorant…

Sexting and porn? What????

So, as I was saying in my previous post, I fell in love with my husband for a second time after he discovered MY AFFAIR.

It was a tough year but we came through it. He forgave me and we NEVER talked about it. I frankly don’t remember much of that time, just some high and low lights. I remember his utter love for me. I really never felt it at that depth with the exception of during the births of our children. I also remember his mistrust for a very long time and rightly so. I was unfaithful and hurt him so very deeply.

So, fast forward to 2013. Our lives are typical family lives — kids are busy, so are we. We have two vacations that year — very rare. Went on a cruise in the spring and then to the beach in the summer. We enjoyed the time together as a family because we knew it was bittersweet — time was precious as our youngest would be attending university the following year. My husband turned 50 that summer. I didn’t throw him a party (he hates that) but I also didn’t over celebrate it (my mistake).

Sex life? Well, it wasn’t great — at all. It used to be (don’t we all say that?). I was feeling poorly about myself (age, weight, hormonal changes…yeah, the lovely 40’s) and finally started with a trainer in May. Our vacation was in June. We barely had sex. I wanted romance and loving and he just wanted wam/bam.

I kept on going to the trainer and was seeing positive results. He never mentioned how I looked. In fact, he never talked about how I looked. No compliments and if there were any, I can’t remember them and probably shot them down with self-deprication. Listen, I can pull myself together pretty well. I’m very feminine (with a snarky personality). I’m a professional woman and dress well. Late summer, two things changed/happened. He started to sext me. Out of the blue. Very unexpected and weird at first. It was pretty hot, to be honest. That was early August. He was working a lot, going in on weekends (odd) and working on Mondays (his off day). OK, so, he’s devoted and loyal. Got it. Admire him for it. Late August, on a Sunday morning, I woke up late-ish to find a letter from him. His computer was infected with a virus from visiting porn sites. He was embarrassed and couldn’t face me. He apologized and I texted him and told him not to be embarrassed–that it was okay and we would figure it out.

He came home and honestly, I couldn’t care about him looking at porn. Thought it was normal for guys. Life resumed as normal. September rolls around, school starts, life gets busy. I told him that I would like to plan an anniversary trip for our #24, which was early October. He said ok and I started coming up with ideas.

Third week of September, we chose to go up to the Adirondacks. Around the time of booking the trip, I joined J on a hike at a local mountain. It was fun and I noticed he was texting while we were stuck in traffic enroute. I asked who it was and he said it was the guys from work. OK, whatever…

Anniversary trip started with a long car ride. I drove, he texted. He laughed at some of the comments and told me his response as he typed. Chuckle, chuckle. Weekend was so much fun. We had sex! HOORAY! We walked all over the area, attended a fall festival, ate, drank and enjoyed each other. We reconnected. Or so I thought…