Mother’s Day

I’ve read a few posts from fellow bloggers that didn’t have a very happy Mother’s day yesterday and for that I’m sorry. Many of us that are writing today suffered from infidelity last year and are still in the throes of reconciliation and healing. That day is a day of discovery for some, or a holiday that was either pre or post affair. It’s a big trigger day for most and many of us just wish we had a fast forward (or even better, a rewind) to go past the pain. I was feeling the same. A year ago this time, my husband started to flirt with the Evil Bitch and from this point on, I am triggering with timelines and remember back how he acted or what he said, etc.

For the last week, friends at work have asked me what my plans were for Mother’s Day and my response: I have no idea. Probably not much. I’ve heard no plans from my husband or sons. My hopes were low.

Saturday started early. J went to the grocery store to buy breakfast for the weekend (fruit, eggs, bacon, etc.). Later that afternoon we  met with another kitchen designer/developer and dealt with the shock of the $$$ for the remodel. J asked if I wanted to go out for dinner that night or stop at one of the local shopping outdoor malls (he used to buy me jewelry from a nice shop there). I said that it was up to him and that whatever he wanted to do was fine with me (in other words, I didn’t want to exert any pressure on him). We ended up buying food for a nice BBQ and spent a quiet evening at home relaxing.

The next morning, J woke up a bit earlier than I did and when I came downstairs he had my coffee ready. The sun was out, birds were literally singing out every window and the house was quiet. I was expecting the traditional homemade breakfast by him, with minor help from the boys. However, I was pleasantly surprised when he asked if I wanted to go to what is called Walkway Over the Hudson. It’s a rail bridge that was redesigned as a pedestrian bridge. It was on my list of “To Do’s” and I jumped at the idea and said, “YES!” He told me to quickly get changed and we would leave even before the boys woke up. I was so excited! When I was dressed in my comfortable workout clothes, I came downstairs and noticed a card waiting for me. It was lovely and heartfelt and perfect.

We left and went in search of a place to grab breakfast. Every place we stopped at had a line out the door. We decided to just get to the trail and figure out food after. Just at the opening to the park, there was a quaint café that seemed perfect. It was! Delicious organic breakfast with coffee a few bottles of cold water and we were ready to go!

The walk was really a lovely “stroll” and it was filled with mothers and their families. Every type of dog you can imagine, too! The demographics varied and as a major people watcher, I was in my element. Amazing tattoos, shoes, ridiculous heels (it’s about 1.5 miles each way across the river), loud, quiet, young, old, training wheels, scooters, wheel chairs with Love You Mom balloons, women with big hats, men with baseball caps. Remember I said we saw every type of dog? Largest = Bloodhound, smallest = Chihuahua, tied with Yorkie. Best pet award went to a Goth Guy walking his ferret. Yup, no joke. Too funny. Yeah, it was awesome. J and I giggled and held hands, stole kisses throughout each direction.

We got a text from my youngest, K asking where were we and when would be home. We were flippant and snarky and said NEVER! But, being responsible parents, we did tell him when. J and I were curious why he was asking specifics and I was hoping for the best!

I grabbed J’s hand on the ride home and told him that this mother’s day was perfect and that no gift would be better than spending an awesome day with him. I loved dating my husband and I felt as though we got our grove back. He beamed at me. It was just the right thing to say and it was true, from my heart to his.

About an hour or more later we got home. Both of my sons were awake and smiling. The kitchen was clean, and I mean CLEAN! and K made my favorite Guacamole and Salsa for an afternoon snack. I put my feet up, poured myself a glass of cold white wine and took a minute to be thankful. It was delicious and it couldn’t have been better. I told the boys that it meant the world to me what they did for me and I loved them. They were so pleased with themselves (rightly so). J then started preparing dinner, his homemade Chicken Parmigiana with fresh bread and salad. We ate later and relaxed watching movies and cuddling on the couch. J got this day right and all my worries and fears for how I would be treated on this Hallmark made holiday were dissolved.

I went to bed feeling tired, blessed, loved and in love. It was a wonderful feeling that I hope keeps building and never leaves me.

Black Coffee in Bed

Weird morning. He actually slept in a little bit and I didn’t want to get up and ruin our closeness. It’s rare for him to sleep in. 

So, we got up, and his morning ritual is to make the coffee in his coffee maker. It’s one of those drip versions. I have a Keurig and love it.

I was waiting for the coffee (his coffee maker) to finish so I could grab a cup. He asked me why all of a sudden do I like his coffee? Let’s remember, this was 8am, and I hadn’t woken up sufficiently and was jonesing for my first cup of life!!!

I was flummoxed a bit. I said that I liked his coffee. He said, “Well, you didn’t before, so why now?” I was trying to reply with a sweet answer and he jumped in, “Oh, because I said I liked brining you coffee in the mornings? Is that why you now like my coffee?” He asked relatively nicely, but I could tell he was a bit pissed off! WTF?

I replied that I did miss him bringing me coffee and loved that he started doing it post-Dday. I also said, “I do like your coffee and frankly, I’m a bit lazy and didn’t want to bother with my Keurig.” He still looked frustrated and even exasperated. He told me that I should be honest and go back to drinking my Keurig and that he will still bring me coffee in bed in the mornings, regardless. He didn’t want me to change what I liked just to please him. (Okay, I get that and that’s kind of nice…but…)

I replied that I’m still trying to figure things out and I’m trying. There are things that I like to do for him just to make him happy and find joy in doing so. I suppose I looked weak to him? Not true to myself? The truth is, I want to be fucking perfect so he doesn’t find fault in me. Seems that backfired! 

He’s taking a “nap” upstairs. I just finished vacuuming the downstairs. I feel distant from him.

I guess I can’t do anything right today. FFS

Conversation!!! Sprinkled with a little hope on the side

I had to share. It’s like a 180 and I can’t take the smile from my face.

J and I spoke on the phone last night while he was on his way to a charity appointment. The boys were out and I knew I could speak freely. Out of the blue, I asked him if we should go to marriage counseling now. That threw him for a loop. He sputtered. He tried to find the right words. I gave him time. I didn’t rush and barrage him with more questions or words. I waited…and held my breath.

He said he didn’t think we needed counseling because he thought we were doing really well. He was so happy with me, with us. We were getting along so well. He thinks he was doing the right things.

I did agree with him for the most part. What was missing was THIS –> communication by voice / conversation / deep discussion. Not by text or letters. Speaking with each other, I can hear his emotion. Written words are rather flat––missing inflection, emotion and depth.

He told me some really insightful things: He thinks about me all day. Right when he gets to work, all throughout and he can’t wait to get home to me. He lives for my texts during the day. He lives for my touch. THIS was a very big moment for me. THIS is when my heart started to melt from its icy hell. THIS is when I felt a weight begin to lift.

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I asked him if when he looked at her, did he feel any attraction…anything. He said he didn’t. It was just work now. Like it was before they had the affair. Nothing. He only wants me. ONLY me. More melting…I think I started to levitate a bit, too 😉

I told him I needed verbal assurances. That the absence of talking has kept me in a dark, dangerous place where my mind starts despairing and my hope dwindles.

I needed him to TALK TO ME. I’ve told him that before over the past months. I told him I couldn’t be more plain in my plea. TALK TO ME. SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEARS WITH ME. LET ME KNOW WHAT, HOW AND WHY YOU ARE THINKING. FFS

I swear, it was an amazing moment. Clearly a defining one in our relationship, in our lives!

He said all he wants is for me to be happy. He knows I have been so depressed and he is really worried that I wouldn’t let go the “only mistake” he’s ever made (which was 4+ months of choosing to keep making those fucking mistakes with the EVIL BITCH). They only had intercourse once (so he says…and I kind of believe him).

That has been one thing he has been saying to me…that I will never let it go (or in other words, forgive him). Yet, he forgave me. I then asked him how he felt about my affairs now. He said he doesn’t even think about them, only when we talk about it like we are doing. They don’t bother him any more and haven’t for a long, long time. He learned to completely trust me. He does understand that this is still fresh but, he is worried I can’t “get over it.”  

Of course, this grates my soul. No, right now, I’m not sure I’ll get over it. BUT, it is getting less painful…just slightly, but it is… I told him that, too. I said, that there is hope, I do feel slightly better as he leaves for work each day. I do. But, I also said that I want to rip every hair out of her head. That I’m a jealous woman (scorned) and that I wish nothing less than for her to drop off the face of the earth and leave the damn job. 

Once, in a heated exchange about 2-3 months ago, I said that I hated her. We were lying in bed, and out of the blue I said it. I think he was offended! And, his reaction (which I believe I misread) offended me. I thought, “Don’t you come to her defense. Of course I hate the bitch. She was complicit in an affair. She is married! She is fucking evil!” I do hate her. I know I really don’t but, I do.

What I learned a few days later, while speaking with him again, was that he thought if I could hate her, then I must hate him because he was to blame for it all. I told him I could never hate him. I just hate what he did––his actions. Never him. I loved him. I still do.

So, last night, I said that the only way I can “get over it” is by talking. I hate having to pull info out of him. And I need him…NEED him to open up and let me in. 

He finally “got it” and said he will try and do better. [Insert collective sigh] 

When he got home later that night and we got ready for bed, we made love. It was passionate and amazing. He said that he only wants to see me happy again. I told him that I couldn’t believe how light and happy I felt. It was because of him and our talk and I thanked him so deeply and lovingly that I hope it imprinted on him, down to his very soul. We connected. We bonded. I feel as though we are one again.

I love this man. It has been so long for me to say that and mean it so completely. I love him.

I have to get back to work. But, I wanted to share one little ray of sun, of hope with you. Wish us luck. We need it!

I’ll keep writing. I need to write out all the experiences so I don’t forget and so I can keep healing and melting this icy heart of mine.

xox