An Answer

So, remember the question I asked my husband last Saturday night?

The one where I asked what does he want out of this marriage?

I got an answer.

The other night he came up to me, hugged and kissed me and said he was ready to answer my question. My heart started pounding. I wasn’t expecting him to bring it up at all. I wasn’t sulking for an answer either (shocker!).

He said, “‘This‘ is what I want out of our marriage. Just being happy and loving toward one another. Whether it’s sitting on the couch watching TV, going out, traveling, whatever. I just want us to be happy.”

That melted my heart but it’s still guarded. I didn’t want to throw “What about looking for and getting a new job?” I was just happy he came forward and answered the question to some degree.

I look at it as a small step he’s made. We shall see if there is another step after this one…

Dday here and gone

So, everyone, I survived Dday.

Shocker…I know!

Things are going well. He seems to really love me, and I him. But, I still have doubts. I’m sure he does, too.

This week sucked because October 14th was Dday. But, it didn’t suck as bad as I thought.

Guess I am doing better than I ever imagined? Who the hell knows?

He was good, attentive and loving. I thanked him for being great this week and he had to ask why. Sigh…I chalk it up to being a guy. Either he was playing coy or he was guy-clueless. Whatever.

I have lingering doubts about some things and I’m writing them down so I’m not such a coward to admit them:

  1. Why hasn’t he looked for a job? [Biggest doubt, most painful and important]
  2. What do they talk about at work?
  3. Does he still like her?
  4. Why hasn’t she found a new job?
  5. Communication: Our conversations often seem one-sided. He talks about his stuff and I listen really well. I’m really interested. I love him. But, when it comes to my stuff, he seems to “check out” and not really listen. That hurts, to be honest.

I don’t know. There are times I don’t respond to his texts right away. Just being pissy at times, because I don’t want to be too available/desperate. Weird, I know––immature, I know…

We signed the remodeling contract and that is also a small doubt in my mind. When it’s complete, will he decide we aren’t working out? Him thinking that I’m finally getting the kitchen and bath done, I’ll be happy with that and it will be a good time for him to leave?

Like I said, just lingering doubts. I’m sure we all have them.

Have I forgiven him? No, not yet. Not sure it will ever get to that. I hope so, but I’m not jumping too fast to forgive when I still have Doubt #1!

Anyway, that’s all for now. Hope all of you are doing well xoxo

A Grilling or Trickling?

woman-grilling

 

OR

trickling_water

Weird title, I know. But, here’s my question to the cheaters and the betrayeds:

Would you want to grill your spouse for a day/night and just hash out all the shit, the tension, the “I’m too scared to ask / I’m to scared to answer” questions or would you rather live with trickling truth?

I’m getting to the point that I want to baby step toward forgiveness, but I still have some questions that, at this point in my “recovery” I believe important. In the scheme of things, they probably aren’t, but now they are. It’s almost a hurdle I have to jump over to get “there”.

Here’s my thinking. There have been times when J has thrown my past in my face as a deflection or just to hurt me. I know he still harbors hurt from my infidelity. Of course he does! But, he says he’s moved on. I don’t believe him. I think he has “moved on” in order for me to mirror him and not put him on the hot seat. Self-preservation tactic.

I would like to schedule a night away at a hotel, order enough rum and wine and just have at it. Get it out, off our chests, in our faces and just answer the damn questions or respond to accusations. Settle the multiple scores.

I feel it’s still a festering wound and this shit will eventually come to the surface, but not in the best or most prepared way.

What do you think? Have you done it? (Besides the midnight – 4am grillings we all have been through). What has your experience been? Either way. Thanks! xxoo

Don’t want to jinx it

I know I haven’t posted anything in a few weeks (shocking, actually).

It’s not that I’ve been having a bad time. On the contrary, I’ve been having a good, almost great time lately.

And that’s what I’m worried about.

Did I just jinx it?

Will the other shoe drop?

God, I hope not.

No texts or calls from Evil Bitch in MONTHS.

I haven’t felt the need to ask questions about her in the past few weeks.

What’s weird is that I’m finding it easier and easier to really not give a shit about her (WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WOMAN WRITING THIS POST? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?) I just don’t know what to make of my change. Is it indifference? Is it confidence? Is it healing? Beats the shit out of me but, I’ll take it!

J has been awesome. Seriously.

He apologized for what he did to me/us a few times in the last few weeks! (Especially since he read that Loyalty post that Pablo’s Wife shared with us — thank you! xx). He’s actually apologized when he lost his patience with me last week (shocker) and for interrupting me the other day (shocker #2).

Just yesterday, he was leaving for golf with our youngest son (Father’s Day fun for him), and I made a joke! Yes, I actually joked about his affair! This is a major, major step for me! This is how it went down: He thanked me for letting him go play golf on Father’s Day and for having a selfishly fun day. I said he deserved to have fun, but don’t have too much fun! I even wiggled my eyebrows at him and said, “You know what I mean [insert cigar and funny glasses with that remark]”. He wasn’t prepared for my levity! He reacted pretty immaturely and said “No!” and walked off! AS IFFFFFF! That was my first reaction. But, after a few minutes, I just let it roll off my back (yes, another step toward healing? – maybe). Within 30 minutes of his reaction, he came back and apologized to me! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS MAN?

Again, I don’t want to jinx it.

Our sex life is still great, not quite crazy rabbit sex, but still off the charts and we are finding a realistic groove.

We don’t have another marriage counseling session until July 3rd (HippyDippy’s vacation schedule and our crazy work schedules delayed it). That’s fine. I don’t feel the need for mediation at this moment. That may change. And I know I’ll get something out of the session. J agrees.

So, my life is finding a good rhythm with all the end-of-year craziness with school, parties and such. We still find time to connect and we still are on a good path.

But, like I said before, I don’t want to jinx it.

Is It Okay to Hate the Other Woman?

Is it okay to feel hate for the other woman?

Is it okay to verbalize your hate of the other woman?

Is it okay to verbalize your hate of the other woman to your husband with vehemence?

I say, FUCK YEAH!

I say, HELL YEAH!

I say, NO SHIT SHERLOCK!

And my husband can go fuck himself if he doesn’t like it!

And for those who are asking themselves how I can possibly throw stones, I can, aimed directly at me. The fact is I hope my AP’s wife hates me. I fucking deserve it! I knowingly entered into an affair with a married man. I didn’t care about his wife. I only cared about ME. It was wrong and this is my penance, I suppose.

Anyway, I still hate Evil Bitch and I hope she gets hers really soon.

Thank you, this was a public service announcement.

 

Marriage Counseling Session #4

Today (Friday, May 23) I feel numb. Just walking around this morning like a zombie. My back hurts (thank you, Yoga), my head hurts and so does my heart.

Last night’s session started with an omen – a hail storm! Before we could get out of our cars to make our appointment with HippyDippy, the heavens opened up. Was it a sign? Not sure at that point. We were smiling, but nervous (always are at these sessions). My heart is actually racing right now thinking about it. I feel light headed, actually.

I’m actually having a hard time remembering everything that was said. My mind is a jumble.

HippyDippy asked how our last two weeks had been and J answered that it has been good. That we have been getting along really well. I then piped in that I agreed, but we had a rough Friday and Saturday last week.

I haven’t written about that, yet. So, here it goes:

We had a rough night last Friday while having sex. Evidently, I giggled and he took it wrong and it turned him off. I didn’t understand it. He basically turned off and went to sleep. I was left there wondering what I had done and why he went radio silent. I HATE going to sleep angry and distant. The next morning, he woke up early (guess he couldn’t sleep). I remained in bed for awhile because I was up half the night, not able to sleep myself. I came downstairs and grabbed a cup of coffee. He greeted me nicely, as he was on his laptop in the living room. I stood in front of him and said that I didn’t like what happened last night and that I didn’t know what was wrong. Once again, I’m the one that tries to make peace, even though it wasn’t my fault. Once again, I’m the brave person that faces the other. Once again, I speak first. He apologized and told me that he thought I was laughing at him and it turned him off. He recognized that it was ridiculous. I told him I would never laugh at him. I said I giggled because I was happy and having fun. He apologized again and I settled down to enjoy my coffee. So, that’s how the morning started, but for some unknown reason I wanted more. I wanted to dig a bit. Blame it on PMS. Blame it on a broken heart. Blame it on “her” return to work the following Tuesday…

I told him that I needed him to throw out all his Tshirts (remember my Tshirt post?) that he bought last year. The ones from NC (which was late June, about a month after he started texting her and flirting). I said that those shirts reminded me of her. That I remember the one shirt he wore when he came home from “shopping for a bike” that one Friday or Monday. That was the day they touched and kissed for the “first” time. I then said that all the bright shirts he bought because he hated all his clothes reminded me of her. He then went on defense and said that he didn’t want to go to NC again if it only reminded me of her. I said it was the week that he was texting with her. He challenged me and said, “Oh, so you think I was sexting with her then?” I said probably. He vehemently denied it. Said it was only texting. Oh, okay – got it, I guess I was a month off…so just texting, yeah, that’s okay, right? He then said it was ridiculous he had to throw out clothes. He never said anything about driving my old Beetle after I got a new car for the family even though that was the car “I screwed my boyfriend in.” I just stared at him. Okay, you are not still harboring resentment much? Oh, he let it all go, right?

I left the room and got dressed and went for a long walk. I had to get away from him. What a fucker. What an insensitive man. He still hurt and he was throwing out painful remarks (I’m a big girl and can handle what he dishes out). But, he “forgave me and didn’t think about it any more (my affairs) for years.” Yeah, right, honey. He was on the phone when I left. Didn’t notice me (again).

I came back about 45 minutes later. He was cleaning the kitchen and avoiding me. He got another phone call. After he was done with the call, he was back on his laptop. I stood in front of him one more time and said, “I want you to know that I don’t think it’s okay with what you said to me. Throwing that back in my face when you supposedly forgave me. That you never think about it anymore. That was hurtful and wasn’t okay.” He then said that he was sorry and I was right. But, he felt he had to defend himself. Some other things were said (which I don’t remember). He went into the kitchen and in a little while I went in and said, “Let’s call a truce. We are never going to agree on these points. It’s not worth fighting about it.” He agreed. We retreated to opposite corners. I went upstairs. I stood staring in the bathroom mirror for a while. I was still upset.

So, guess what I did? I stripped, put on a robe and went looking for my husband. He was in the basement cleaning up some things. I found him, grabbed his hand, dropped my robe and fucked his brains out.

Yup, I used the Vcard, ladies. When we can’t talk, we fuck.

I can say our weekend went much better after that. But, I always feel I’m the one seeking reconciliation. I’m tired and sad that it’s always me.

Back to yesterday’s session…

HippyDippy pursued the truce button. She asked why I offered it. I said that I realized we weren’t going to agree on anything at that moment. He wasn’t willing to so I thought it was best to leave it behind us. She thought that was good. I think I was just tired of hurting and not being heard or valued. I didn’t say that to HippyDippy or J. But, that’s how I felt/feel.

She asked for specific things that made things better. J responded that my words to him mean a lot. My texts were special to him. I said that he was wonderful on EB’s first day back at work and that he was forthcoming and reassuring. It put me at ease.

HippyDippy then asked J about my request about the shirts and what he thought about it. He said it took him some time to but he understood why I asked for it. He then said he got rid of all of them. I didn’t know that. I wasn’t shocked but I was pleased. He said he did it because he knew it would make me feel better.

I then spoke about Mother’s Day and how much it meant to me. HippyDippy kept saying, “So things sound good. Sounds like you are doing what you need to do.” For some reason, that disappointed me. She is no Freud. But, I sat still waiting to see where she would go.

Somehow the subject of the other woman came up and I said that this week has been tough. We have been anxious. Obviously, I was hoping she would return for one day, say she was quitting and would leave our lives forever. And then I added, “and of course, she would drop off the face of the earth. That’s my ultimate wish.”

I guess J didn’t like that comment. He said that I say that all time and that we all know how I feel. That I’ve said I hate her hundreds of times. I said that I think he was exaggerating quite a bit, that I only say it at these sessions and a few times before.  HippyDippy pursued my comments. I forget what she said, but I expressed that J has all the power in this situation. It’s his choice to continue working there and because she does, too, I’m threatened. My safety is threatened. The other woman is a direct threat to our marriage.

J then said that [EB] is a good person. She’s not evil (yes, I refrained from my evil laugh, everyone). I spoke up and said, “Well, she’s 50% responsible for the affair and yes, I do hate her.” He was mad. I then said that I felt he was defending her and likes working with her and I’m worried and scared. That all she has to do is make a comment and they are back to flirting and then more. His defense of her, to me, means that he still has feelings for her. That I’m the bad one for hating her. That I’m less that her.

HippyDippy came back into the conversation (oh, gee thanks, lady — about time). She said something (which I can’t remember) and we returned to the point that he has the power in this situation. That he refuses to get another job and that he would resent me forever if I made him do it. He countered that his greatest fear is that if he leaves a job he loves and we don’t work out, he has nothing. That’s his greatest fear? What about me walking out? I said that we spoke about this early after Dday and he said he knows he has to find another job. I guess he changed his mind.

HippyDippy asked if he was looking for another job. He said no. He loves his job. He can’t imagine finding another one he loves as much. Yup, knife to my heart.

We closed the session with her saying that it will take time for me to gain trust. That he has to know that. But we should keep doing what we are doing. Yeah, HippyDippy, not sure I agree with your advice.

So, everyone, here I sit in purgatory, in limbo, in twilight, in pain.

Happy Fucking Friday.

So far, so good

For those that follow my story, the Evil Bitch returned to work today. My husband has been absolutely wonderful these past three days and has been extra caring. I’ll have another post about Friday and Saturday of last week, which wasn’t so wonderful.

Anyway…I can tell he’s making progress, due to the marriage counseling, because he asked me what I need him to do to feel okay (inner dialog: besides the obvious? like firing her old bony ass?). I told him to keep doing what he’s doing and the rest we’ll just manage as the need comes up. He said it will be just a normal day, that she was just an employee (yeah, okay, honey – an employee with benefits, ffs).

So, when he got to the office, he texted me multiple times (has done so since Dday week). He then texted me that she arrived (do you hear trumpets? I don’t, I hear the theme of the Wicked Witch of the West from Wizard of Oz), he welcomed her back, asked about her injury, asked what she could do (in terms of movement) and that was it. Back to work he went.

So far, so good. And I decided I was going to be good to myself. Today, I’m working half a day (only two meetings, yay!), did some basic stretching, went on my morning walk (gorgeous day here). Then this afternoon I’m going to get my hair done and then go to yoga with my girlfriend. I’m going to breath deeply and remember that I’m surviving and will be better for it.

Yeah, Evil Bitch, welcome back to work. Take that and shove it up your old bony ass!

😉

 

Text to the Other Woman (aka Evil Bitch)

I have written a text to Evil Bitch. It’s saved as a draft in my phone and someday (sooner or later) I will send it. It felt good to write it. Here’s what I wrote:

I want you to know that I hold you 50% responsible for flirting, texting, sexting, kissing, touching, blowing and fucking my husband. I will never forgive you for knowingly entering into and committing an adulterous affair.

As you go to work each day, I want you to worry IF TODAY IS THE DAY [her husband] finds out just what type of “wife” you are. Oh yes, you deserve a lot of pain for the pain you caused.

Have a GREAT day!

I may tweak it here and there. It feels good that it’s in my phone. Of course, I’m worried that one of my sons may see it so I have to move it where it’s not viewable.