Conversation!!! Sprinkled with a little hope on the side

I had to share. It’s like a 180 and I can’t take the smile from my face.

J and I spoke on the phone last night while he was on his way to a charity appointment. The boys were out and I knew I could speak freely. Out of the blue, I asked him if we should go to marriage counseling now. That threw him for a loop. He sputtered. He tried to find the right words. I gave him time. I didn’t rush and barrage him with more questions or words. I waited…and held my breath.

He said he didn’t think we needed counseling because he thought we were doing really well. He was so happy with me, with us. We were getting along so well. He thinks he was doing the right things.

I did agree with him for the most part. What was missing was THIS –> communication by voice / conversation / deep discussion. Not by text or letters. Speaking with each other, I can hear his emotion. Written words are rather flat––missing inflection, emotion and depth.

He told me some really insightful things: He thinks about me all day. Right when he gets to work, all throughout and he can’t wait to get home to me. He lives for my texts during the day. He lives for my touch. THIS was a very big moment for me. THIS is when my heart started to melt from its icy hell. THIS is when I felt a weight begin to lift.

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I asked him if when he looked at her, did he feel any attraction…anything. He said he didn’t. It was just work now. Like it was before they had the affair. Nothing. He only wants me. ONLY me. More melting…I think I started to levitate a bit, too 😉

I told him I needed verbal assurances. That the absence of talking has kept me in a dark, dangerous place where my mind starts despairing and my hope dwindles.

I needed him to TALK TO ME. I’ve told him that before over the past months. I told him I couldn’t be more plain in my plea. TALK TO ME. SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEARS WITH ME. LET ME KNOW WHAT, HOW AND WHY YOU ARE THINKING. FFS

I swear, it was an amazing moment. Clearly a defining one in our relationship, in our lives!

He said all he wants is for me to be happy. He knows I have been so depressed and he is really worried that I wouldn’t let go the “only mistake” he’s ever made (which was 4+ months of choosing to keep making those fucking mistakes with the EVIL BITCH). They only had intercourse once (so he says…and I kind of believe him).

That has been one thing he has been saying to me…that I will never let it go (or in other words, forgive him). Yet, he forgave me. I then asked him how he felt about my affairs now. He said he doesn’t even think about them, only when we talk about it like we are doing. They don’t bother him any more and haven’t for a long, long time. He learned to completely trust me. He does understand that this is still fresh but, he is worried I can’t “get over it.”  

Of course, this grates my soul. No, right now, I’m not sure I’ll get over it. BUT, it is getting less painful…just slightly, but it is… I told him that, too. I said, that there is hope, I do feel slightly better as he leaves for work each day. I do. But, I also said that I want to rip every hair out of her head. That I’m a jealous woman (scorned) and that I wish nothing less than for her to drop off the face of the earth and leave the damn job. 

Once, in a heated exchange about 2-3 months ago, I said that I hated her. We were lying in bed, and out of the blue I said it. I think he was offended! And, his reaction (which I believe I misread) offended me. I thought, “Don’t you come to her defense. Of course I hate the bitch. She was complicit in an affair. She is married! She is fucking evil!” I do hate her. I know I really don’t but, I do.

What I learned a few days later, while speaking with him again, was that he thought if I could hate her, then I must hate him because he was to blame for it all. I told him I could never hate him. I just hate what he did––his actions. Never him. I loved him. I still do.

So, last night, I said that the only way I can “get over it” is by talking. I hate having to pull info out of him. And I need him…NEED him to open up and let me in. 

He finally “got it” and said he will try and do better. [Insert collective sigh] 

When he got home later that night and we got ready for bed, we made love. It was passionate and amazing. He said that he only wants to see me happy again. I told him that I couldn’t believe how light and happy I felt. It was because of him and our talk and I thanked him so deeply and lovingly that I hope it imprinted on him, down to his very soul. We connected. We bonded. I feel as though we are one again.

I love this man. It has been so long for me to say that and mean it so completely. I love him.

I have to get back to work. But, I wanted to share one little ray of sun, of hope with you. Wish us luck. We need it!

I’ll keep writing. I need to write out all the experiences so I don’t forget and so I can keep healing and melting this icy heart of mine.

xox