A Year Ago Today

My husband had intercourse with the Evil Bitch a year ago today.

I know this specifically because he wrote it in a letter to me last November. His timeline of his affair.

Was it the first time they had sex? No. You see, to a woman, sex is defined by any sexual touch. To men, sex is defined by intercourse. I don’t know the specific date they had “sex” – he doesn’t recall. After all, it was “dozens of times” (they touched, kissed and other things). Yeah, that makes me feel so much better…

Therefore, it was more than one year ago he had “sex” with her in my mind.

How do I feel today? What am I doing?

Well, I feel distant about it. Not really hurting horribly. I guess a bit numb. Time helps. Our progress in healing has helped. My attitude helps.

Do I still want to rip every hair out of her head and break her teeth? Youbetcha!

Where is my husband today? Well, he’s on his way to a big college football (American football) game with his brother. He won’t be home until late tonight. Tailgating is a sport in itself around here.

Does my husband have any idea what day is today and what it means? Probably not.

However, he is very aware how many days it is until we leave for Bermuda. He has been counting those days down since two+ weeks ago. I’m happy about that. It makes me feel loved and hopeful.

So, instead of wallowing in any self pity, I’ve got plans to get myself out of the house.

First, mani/pedi – it’s time for some dark nails to ring in the autumn weather! After that, my girlfriend and I will walk around a nearby town’s cheese festival (yes, it is festival season, after all). Then, I will take my oldest son out for a great dinner. And then, at the end of the night, I’ll probably watch some soppy chick flick and ball my eyes out as an excuse to let it all out.

Will I throw the date in my husband’s face? No. I won’t mention it. It’s one of the many wounds I will carry for the rest of my days.

So, chin up, getting my ass up and starting my day.

Happy September 13th, everyone…

Don’t want to jinx it

I know I haven’t posted anything in a few weeks (shocking, actually).

It’s not that I’ve been having a bad time. On the contrary, I’ve been having a good, almost great time lately.

And that’s what I’m worried about.

Did I just jinx it?

Will the other shoe drop?

God, I hope not.

No texts or calls from Evil Bitch in MONTHS.

I haven’t felt the need to ask questions about her in the past few weeks.

What’s weird is that I’m finding it easier and easier to really not give a shit about her (WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WOMAN WRITING THIS POST? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?) I just don’t know what to make of my change. Is it indifference? Is it confidence? Is it healing? Beats the shit out of me but, I’ll take it!

J has been awesome. Seriously.

He apologized for what he did to me/us a few times in the last few weeks! (Especially since he read that Loyalty post that Pablo’s Wife shared with us — thank you! xx). He’s actually apologized when he lost his patience with me last week (shocker) and for interrupting me the other day (shocker #2).

Just yesterday, he was leaving for golf with our youngest son (Father’s Day fun for him), and I made a joke! Yes, I actually joked about his affair! This is a major, major step for me! This is how it went down: He thanked me for letting him go play golf on Father’s Day and for having a selfishly fun day. I said he deserved to have fun, but don’t have too much fun! I even wiggled my eyebrows at him and said, “You know what I mean [insert cigar and funny glasses with that remark]”. He wasn’t prepared for my levity! He reacted pretty immaturely and said “No!” and walked off! AS IFFFFFF! That was my first reaction. But, after a few minutes, I just let it roll off my back (yes, another step toward healing? – maybe). Within 30 minutes of his reaction, he came back and apologized to me! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS MAN?

Again, I don’t want to jinx it.

Our sex life is still great, not quite crazy rabbit sex, but still off the charts and we are finding a realistic groove.

We don’t have another marriage counseling session until July 3rd (HippyDippy’s vacation schedule and our crazy work schedules delayed it). That’s fine. I don’t feel the need for mediation at this moment. That may change. And I know I’ll get something out of the session. J agrees.

So, my life is finding a good rhythm with all the end-of-year craziness with school, parties and such. We still find time to connect and we still are on a good path.

But, like I said before, I don’t want to jinx it.

Tough week of triggers

This week has been a mix of highs and lows. Unfortunately, more on the low side. I feel like I have to do something pretty major and am toying with some serious scenarios in my head.

Trigger #1 (Tuesday): Attempted to watch Wolf of Wall Street. It was just too graphic, over the top and Leo’s affair with the blond bombshell didn’t help. Good thing that came of it — my husband recognized my discomfort and suggested we stop watching it and go to bed, cuddle and watch something else. He sensed I was withdrawing. I honestly started to get nauseous. The gratuitous sex, drugs, f-bombs, 80’s hair and shoulder pads, and his utter disregard for his wife made me sick. Oh, and get this…my husband’s password on cellphone (which he shared with me a few days after D-day) is WOLF — great, fucking great!

Hump Day (Wednesday, of course!): a GREAT night. Spent it in bed loving each other thoroughly. Woke up with shitty grins and springs in our step the next day! Didn’t make the bed because I loved the rumpled look!

Trigger #2 (Thursday): Went and looked at the Evil Bitch’s FB page – she updated it with a new photo (mind you, I’ve never met her and only had one photo of her to go by from her old profile pick). She was in the arms of her husband (first time seeing him, too), at some wedding they attended last weekend. My nausea returned. Her hair is kind of like mine – she must have cut and straightened it (now I want to go platinum or shave my head), tan, slim but much older than I could tell from her previous photo. She posted 3+ photos of she and her husband, looking happy and together. What does that tell me? Is that a direct signal to me? She probably has searched my profile (locked down), but my profile picture has been my marriage photo since last October (our anniversary month and D-day month, oh fucking joy). I will never change it. Did she post this photo as a way to say, “See, I have a great looking husband, too, and we are happy now!”??? Really, bitch? So happy with your marriage you had to fuck with mine? Anyway, I hate her — I fucking hate her and I hope she dies real soon from all that tanning she’s doing. What also bothers me is that she’s slim – that was my second jealous reaction. Even though she dressed very nicely (I’ll give her that), but she’s still a whore! No matter how nice you dress, you are still a home wrecker, through and through!

Today: Raining and feeling blue. But, I am going to my trainer in a little while. My body image issues are pretty negative, even though I lost two pounds this week (yay, me!).

Sorry, people — just really down today. Like I said, when I’m down, I want to do SOMETHING radical.

Current ideas flowing through my head…

  1. Text her and say “Sure hope your husband never finds out what a whore you are.”
  2. Text her husband and tell him his wife is a whore.
  3. Mail her a post card that just says, “Time to find a new job.”
  4. Drop by and meet her while she’s recovering from her knee injury (which I didn’t see a bandage or splint on in the photos, yet she’s out on disability).
  5. Something that I haven’t thought of yet.

But, I’m not going to do any of those things, YET. If she returns to my husband’s company, then I will check this list again and make plans.

I fucking hate her. And, I hate what he did to me and our marriage. He’s suck a dick, asshole and selfish son of a bitch!

Thanks for listening, now I’m going to put on some Cure and really feel down…

Mellie, I’ve got your back

Tried to watch Scandal last night and ended up reading more of my latest self help book instead while the husband watched.

He asked me questions about the plot and I was rather removed from answering.

Last night’s episode really was painful.

Spoiler alert:

Mellie was having an affair with the VP, because what’s good for the gander…

Then Fitz (the president) found out and threw a conniption — really, Fitz, really?

Mellie has been suffering from Mr. Gigilo’s infidelity for years, having Olivia in their lives daily, and he throws her affair in her face? Pissed me off. Don’t get me wrong, two wrongs don’t make a right, but clearly she was still in pain from his infidelity. And, still suffering from the past wrongs done to her by her FIL (what a soap opera).

Anyway, to make matters even worse, the damn movie trailer for “The Other Woman” came on during the commercials! Sheesh…flashback and pain all within like 20 minutes!

In any event, I hate Olivia Pope — she’s a righteous, pompous piece of shit now and I can’t stand what she represents. Neither can I stand Fitz. He doesn’t have my vote.

Don’t worry, Mellie, I’ve got your back!

Image

Article: Why Men Cheat (Elle Magazine, May 2013)

Came across this article while reviewing my husband’s browser history on his computer yesterday. Yes, I still do that. I will for awhile. 

I was at first scared that he read this recently, UNTIL I read the article. For me, it was insightful. Helped me understand a little more.

http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/why-men-cheat

Anyway, let me know what you think. The comments at the bottom of the article are interesting as well.

Time for work…