I couldn’t have stopped it

Stop, in the name of love

Stop, in the name of love

So, the weekend before last, lying in bed before turning the light out I had one of those friggin’ Oprah “Uh-huh” moments. It hit me right in the face. They don’t happen often and especially since his affair, I can’t remember shit! (Advanced apologies…this will be filled with curse words).

Let me back up a bit.

That day was spent backing up my old phone in preparation of getting the new iPhone (yes, I’m back to an iPhone and it should behave a lot better than the S5).

I had gotten to the realization that the new phone would not be my “Dday” phone, but my Dday+1 year phone. Meaning, I wasn’t going to port over all my old messages to the new phone and still live in the past. Nope, wasn’t going to do it. So, I backed up (in multiple ways, just in case) the messages of denial and then admission and then love and recovery for the past 12 months. There were a lot between my husband and I! Definitely more than what he had texted with EB (Evil Bitch for you new comers).

So, after backing up, I took a stroll down memory lane and read the before Dday texts. I started to place more of my mental timeline together. Things were falling into the cracks and it was making more sense.

Fast forward to bedtime, and it hit me. There wasn’t anything I could have done to prevent him having the affair and fucking her! Yeah…I know, I know!!!! But, here me out.

Case in point, The night before he fucked her, we made love and he gave me a hickey (sorry, TMI, but what the hell…). Yeah, that hadn’t happened in a long time. I don’t recall it (the sex) being extra wonderful, but it was good enough for a hickey. Hell, he could have been imagining her for all I know!

I thought back on other dates and I really think he was so messed up that he was determined to fuck her. Their texting was in a frenzy leading up to that day and at this point, if I showed up naked at his office door, he would have pushed me aside and fucked her instead.

So, that night, lying in bed, I got real quiet. It was an epiphany. He asked what was up and I told him that I realized no matter what, he was going to cheat. I couldn’t have prevented it. I told him that we made love the night before. I was powerless and didn’t even know it.

What did he say? NOT A FUCKING THING. Crickets had more to say than this husband of mine.

In a weird way, it was rather freeing. For 12 months I blamed myself for part of the affair. For being “distant” at times, blah, blah, fucking blah….

Not anymore. His mind and his dick were made up. And it’s ALL on him and not me! Not that part of the relationship. I’ll own my dissatisfaction with the marriage back then, but not his affair.

Anyway, I thought I’d share that fact and see if any of you felt the same way?

27 thoughts on “I couldn’t have stopped it

  1. brokenjoan says:

    I have always thought of it as the perfect storm, nothing was going to stop it once the chain of events were set in motion! I look at this way, from the first chatty text to dropping the clothes on the hotel floor, it was a go! I agree with you, until the deed was done, or as in this case, the whore was fucked, nothing was going to stop them! My husband had a one track mind during that time & that track led between her legs!!!

  2. Don’t know if an opinion from an other woman matters but dint ever blame yourself for another adults conscious actions. We do that because we have our own insecurities. Joan above hit the nail on the head – these things happen in a perfect storm. Time and place. And every single affair is different. They start and end for different reasons. But I do believe that you should not blame yourself for his choice. The only thing you can do now is consciously choose to repair as a couple.

    • I agree with the perfect storm. We had dislocation from job, family, a huge tragic loss and a very pushy woman on a very depressed (not about the marriage) man. And no one is to blame but them. But all affairs *are* the same. They all have those kinds of excuses trotted out and the same constants which are selfishness, entitlement, cruelty and delusion. Another constant is that it’s never our fault.

      Could I have stopped him? Probably yes. If I hadn’t been *as* pregnant and I had gone on that trip? No, I don’t think she would have been able to approach him. And it would have taken much longer remotely. And by then the baby would have been born. But that doesn’t make it my fault or my responsibility. After all, he was the one pushing to have a child sooner.

    • I don’t blame myself for his choice. That is for sure! It was HIS choice and a series of choices that made him step over that line of no return. It started with the development of the “friendship” and it spiraled from there. Thank you!

  3. Yes I had the same smack upside the head, and it felt the same freeing…I will never fully understand why? (I mean lets be honest if I had me for a wife I’d be so happy I’d never look at another woman…my life would be rainbows and daisies. If I could find me out there I’d ditch my husband so fast and become a lesbian. Sigh…unfortunately there is only one me so I’m stuck with my husband ) .

    But yes I think once we all realize we couldn’t prevent it then we have overcame a major hurdle to healing…

    What is it about husbands and crickets when we need to talk? Scoot over tempted I’m coming over…do you have a fan? I have to sleep with a fan. We can stay up all night and talk 🙂


  4. So true.. there was no preventing mine either. His mind was made up and she just kept on a messaging him back and vice versa.. I completely agree there was nothing I could have done to stop them.
    I’m with Kelly I would love to marry myself but unfortunately I’m with M. I’m not so excited about that but here I am.. yeah me.. or whatever..

    Here’s to the journey right? 🙂

  5. I know I pushed my husband there, but I didn’t mean to. I was trying to force him to work on our broken marriage, but instead I said I was leaving… I meant a short a vacation with our daughter, he said he really thought I was leaving him. He had never been on his own before and was terrified of being alone. He started an online account to meet women. The downside is that once I came home he didn’t stop what he was doing. And after I found out about the account he continued, and eventually slept with a woman he met. I will never know if I could have stopped the train. I will live forever with the understanding I learned after the fact… men and women think and live differently. Women want to talk about everything before we do anything, men just decide and DO. I thought by forcing him to talk I could fix us… he decided he had had enough of that and had another plan. The said thing is, I don’t know if I will regret if forever or be thankful forever. I know we would have been divorced already had this not happened.

      • I definitely put the responsibility squarely on him for what he did and how he handled everything. But I also know him well enough to know he probably never would have stepped outside our marriage if he wasn’t terrified it was ending and he would be alone. We both knew we were just a step away from divorce. It just wasn’t working. We probably should have been divorced years before that, but neither of us knew how to just part ways like that after spending our entire adult lives together. I have a great family, lots of friends, a solid support network. He has people he’s friends with through his work (which he’d never pull into his personal life) and no real family connections. He was looking to put together a support network for himself as the bottom fell out of his world. I get that part, and really feel for where he was at that point. It’s the way it spiraled out of control and how easily he let that happen, and how deceptive and evil I feel he became, that I can’t and won’t ever wrap my head around or take responsibility for. That’s ALL on him. I don’t have guilt about it as much as I can see the logic in what happened. I guess it was a perfect storm as I’ve heard a few others say.

  6. DJ says:

    Absolutely. You did not cause it, and you did not do anything to move it forward. It’s all on him. And once he had talked himself into all the justifications and excuses, he was buried in his own shit. He would never have heard you.

    Responsibility for an affair rests solely on the shoulders of the cheater. The state of things in the marriage is a separate matter. There are always imperfections, sometimes a lot of them. It is still never an excuse or justification for an affair. There are so many other decent ways to handle problems and even separation.

  7. I felt that way, still do. Husband and I were super close. We played together, we’re affectionate, talked, were quiet together and we had sex like the proverbial rabbits. Adventurous sex, vanilla sex, rough and gentle sex. Our marriage was new but really really good. I own no part of his bullshit. That weight lies on his shoulders and his alone.

    I caught on waaaaaayyy after the emotional connection was solidified but the physical frenzy was just reaching a breaking point. If I hadn’t he’d have screwed her 6 ways to Sunday.

    I think the only thing that doused their connection was that I saw and lawyer and came home with divorce papers. That didn’t stop him but it slowed him down enough that she got insecure and felt threatened so started acting out. Then he got to *see* her.

    Nothing I could have done stopped it. She did by finally letting the illusion slip.

  8. Could i have stopped it??? I have no clue, but then it wasn’t for me to stop it, it was for him!! He was the one who had all the facts, he knew “how” he was feeling, “what” he was feeling and ultimately “who” he wanted to feel!!! Without all the information there was nothing I could have down to change the outcome!

    I do ask myself if we’d been intimate more frequently would that have stopped it but then I read about so many of you who were fucking like rabbits and your husband’s still cheated so I have absolutely no fucking clue!!! At the end of the day it was his decision to cheat and it’s all on him. I’m the one left with all the shit while he had all the fun!!

  9. I agree wholeheartedly. I blamed myself, wrote letters to him acknowledging my failings, apologising, promising to change. I made more of an effort with the physical side of our marriage. Even that didn’t stop him. He hadn’t had sex with her at that point but he did not long after. So I know that nothing I could have said or done would have changed his mind. He had already decided. When I realised that I found more strength than I ever had. I refuse to take the blame for the choices he made xxx

  10. It’s really all boils down to their feeling of entitlement. I think even men have a picture in their heads of what marriage will be like, and then when it’s not exactly perfect all the time, because we call them on the things that they’re not bringing to the table, they get their egos bruised and the ONLY thing they care about at this point is themselves. Forget about maybe doing the hard work together to get to the other side, nope they would rather run away. Sometimes I wish mine would of left back then -save me a lot of wasted years. They should teach young people more in schools about how to navigate relationships, avoid a lot of hurt in life.

  11. I think that because of the internet, smart phones and their limitless capabilities that men and women who may have never sought out extra curricular activities in the past will allow themselves to step over the line and slide down that slippery slope -eventually destroying a lot of good marriages and families. It’s like a tsunami, sneaky, silent but deadly.

  12. Good for you! Realistically I know the affair was his and I own nothing about it. It doesn’t ease all the what ifs though. I spend so much time trying to figure out what I did wrong and wish I did differently.

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