Kelly’s post about forgiveness really made me think. Understanding that there are levels to it, verging from acceptance to outright blind faith forgiveness makes it easier for me to digest.
I was ready to tell my husband that I was on the verge of forgiveness this past Saturday. I really was…even before I read Kelly’s post and learned it was National Forgiveness Day (wonder which cheating congressman asked for that national day?).
We had a discussion about his week at work and he asked if talking about “her” upset me. I told him that I needed him to speak about her. It helped me. So, he did, telling me that she’s on vacation this coming week. She wanted to work on a Monday (the company is closed on Mondays) to get a jump on the holiday orders. He told her that wasn’t going to happen (meaning, they would be alone and that wasn’t ever going to happen). I then asked if she was moving to Florida, yet. (I wasn’t being very careful because I let that slip. I know she’s got a beach house she just bought down there – FB is soooo informative). He said no, not that he was aware of. I’m sure it pissed him off. I could tell. Anyway, we got home and from that point on, I was in an obvious “funk”. Not really meaning to be, but I realized something and was processing it in my mind, having my own internal dialog.
So, I went for a long walk and just went about my day, but withdrawn. He noticed and when we were getting ready to attend a wake, he flared up at me because I was “having a bad day, now he was having one.” Whatever, cheater boy…whatever. I told him that it wasn’t my fault. None of it was. And I left it at that.
In the car I said, “I honestly don’t know what to say.” He asked what I meant and I said that it’s been a year and we’ve come so far but he hasn’t gotten a new job. He said, “No, I haven’t.” and with that lovely volley, I just clammed up, waiting for him to do the right thing. The ball was in his court, after all.
We went to the wake and paid our respects. We came home and pretty much, avoided each other until he asked if I wanted to go to the movies.
So, we did. We saw “The Judge” and it was pretty good. When we went to bed and I asked him if he was happy. He responded, “Of course, I’m happy. Why wouldn’t I be?”
I held my tongue and then asked him what he wanted from this marriage? What did he need? He was reading his book (no, he hasn’t finished “Just Friends” – doubt he ever will.) and said that he would like some time to answer that question.
Yeah…awesome. You do that. Take all the time you need to answer the most important fucking question of our lives. It’s okay. I’ll just be over here, on the left side of the bed waiting for the rest of my pathetic life.
We woke up the next day feeling better. Not sure why, but we did. I decided to make breakfast. He decided to seduce me. Hey, I have needs to…why not?
Anyway, it was a better day. But, I didn’t mention my question. I just let lying dogs lie (hmmm….interesting choice of phrase there…).
But, what I realized was what I was ready to forgive and what I wasn’t. I can forgive his weakness. I can even forgive his affair (after all, he “forgave” me for mine…or did he?) But, I can’t forgive that he hasn’t left his job. I can’t forgive that he hasn’t even looked for another job. In many ways, that is more hurtful. That is the ultimate, “FUCK YOU” and guess what? I’m not okay with that.
Have I told him this? No, not yet. You know why? Because it’s ALWAYS ME that broaches the difficult subjects, that asks the tough, messy questions, that always says “I’m sorry” first. I’m hurt. Rather, I’m heartbroken.
Figuring out forgiveness is really tricky. It takes time. Each person decides what they will or won’t forgive. We’re all different. I just know I don’t want want to hurt anymore.