And another step back…

This is part 2 of my post from this morning.

Just back from my walk and work is done for the day (love half day Fridays!).

Where I left off, back in HippyDippy’s office:

Based on the discussion about the book, I said that I felt comfortable asking the questions (in my previous post: https://temptedblog.wordpress.com/2014/07/09/stop-the-presseshe-started-reading-book-2/). And then I dropped the bomb, ladies… 

I said that I am feeling a bit stuck and that I have more questions. J looked like I had a loaded gun pointed at his head. He said that he couldn’t imagine anything else for me to ask about, unless it’s about details, and that wouldn’t be a good idea. I said I wanted to rip the bandaid off and hash it all out. Have him ask me questions and so on so I can really know everything and get this behind me. HippyDippy did a lot of nodding and smiling. J was a bit freaked out. She asked if J needs notice to help prepare himself for this type of questioning? I said that I wouldn’t want to do it as a spur of the moment but would like to take the time it deserves. She nodded some more. I believe she was waiting to hear J agree to it (which he didn’t). It just hung out there like a fart, frankly. Sigh…

Then she switched gears and actually said something USEFUL! She said that since it’s his choice to not look for another job, he has to understand my anxiety and that constant communication with me is helpful to re-establish trust. I loved that she used the phrase, “his choice” because, this entire situation is because of his choice!

We then talked about our upcoming trip to the beach house (next week) and that he’s unsure if it’s a good idea, and then he said, “Especially now, because it seems I’m not doing anything right. I thought we have come so far and then I come here and see that we haven’t.” He then explained that at the beach house last year is where he started to text EB and it will bring up bad memories for me. I said that this entire summer is one long trigger! But, I was looking forward to being away with him and the kids, reclaiming our place and making new memories (while, I’m praying it’s not the last time we enjoy the beach house as a family because it may be the last time we are one!).

I’m trying to remember everything that was said and I’m having a hard time. I’m sure, when I’m less “spent” I’ll blog about it. In any case, we agreed that we would not make another appointment with HippyDippy unless we needed, but agreed as a couple to schedule on our own, private times to chat about our healing and issues. I will definitely do that (if we survive this week), because I think the seven weeks since our last session allowed me to add up all my issues and unleash it at him, in some ways, unfairly.

We walked out like two prize fighters, dancing around each other, avoiding eye contact. Our plans after the session was to run to a few stores to food shop in preparation for his training weekend (today through Sunday). As we walked to the cars, I told him, “I’m sorry, J” and I meant it. I felt bad that Angry Me came out and basically spewed all my pent up angst at him. He was hurt and cold toward me. He said he was going shopping alone and got in his truck and left.

I sat for a few moments then decided to go for a ride. I second guessed that and turned around and went to the damn food store because I had shit I needed for the house. I got to the store and there was his truck. FUCK. I thought he was going to the big warehouse store thing! So, I hiked up my big girl pants and went it and collected the items we needed. All the while, I was looking around for him. Didn’t see him. Which was odd, because I went down every damn aisle practically with my list. At checkout, I thought I’d see him. Nope. OK, no problem — I got back to my car, passing his truck, verifying it was his, and it was. I sat and decided to wait and see if he saw me and was avoiding me? Not sure. As soon as  he exited the store, I left and went home. While I was unpacking the car, he pulled in and went to unload the packages. I told him, “I have it” and he put his hands up and walked back to his.

We avoided each other pretty well until I was ready for bed. I had been getting up at 4am to jump on conference calls with London and was just exhausted, physically and emotionally. As I went to bed, he got up and was about to leave the room. I just said, “Listen, I know you don’t want to talk, but I just want to go to bed.” 

He stopped and said, “I just don’t know if I can emotionally satisfy you! I think we are making progress and then you smear me for 45 minutes in therapy! It says to me that you are lying constantly when you tell me your love me, text me you love me and then you do that?!? Can you still be married to me knowing that I’ll never satisfy you emotionally?” 

OK, let’s take a moment, ladies…a breath…a sip, a drag (whatever you’ve got handy).

WHAT DID HE JUST ASK ME AND ACCUSE ME OF? WHAT THE FUCK, WHOREFUCKER? REALLY?

OK, I’m back…

I stood there and said to him, “Yes, I guess I do want to remain married to you. I chose that since October and have been trying ever since. Let me ask you a question, can you remain faithful to me?!?” He said, “Yes, I’ve been faithful to you since October.” He then said, “Look, this is exactly what I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to talk, even in YOUR book, it says to take a timeout every now and then.” 

I then said, “Well, I just want to go to bed, we don’t have to talk now.” He said, “I don’t think you’ll be happy with that (or something to that effect).” I replied that, “Well, if you think I’m the same woman since before October, then you are mistaken. I’m different, thanks to the situation. I’m learning to live with a lot.” He then walked out and I went to bed.

Another big breath…

His alarm woke us at 5am. At that point, I went over to him and put my arm around him (he was facing away). He grabbed my arm and we just laid like that for a bit. I then rolled over to my other side. That has been our queue to spoon, which he did and we held each other for quite some time. No words, no other touching, just spooning. It was nice.

He got up, made coffee, showered and got dressed. No other words, but he came back in and kissed me goodbye and said he loved me. I endured the kiss and held back a bit. I don’t like feeling that way. I said that I loved him, too and then he left.

About a half hour later, he sent his morning text (which has been our norm since Dday). He wrote:

I Love YOU more than you could possibly know.

We need to get through this. There’s nothing for me without your love. I need your love and I need your trust.

I know I failed you and I have been trying to do whatever I can to make amends.

I then wrote back:

I love you. And that is not a lie.

I do have issues I need to get through. I guess I’m angry. At least that’s what I think I am. It’s only been 9 months. Seems long when I type that but it’s not. It’s a blink of an eye and we have come such a long way, even though you think we haven’t.

I care about everything you do and say. If I didn’t care, this marriage would be over.

Trust will come. It’s inevitable and critical to our marriage.

So, there you have it, it’s numb Friday here. I realize I’m holding on to him too tightly. He is not ready to commit and stay or leave. I have to give him space to decide what he cares about and how he will define his love for me. I’m just not sure it will be enough for me or too much for him.