A Grilling or Trickling?





Weird title, I know. But, here’s my question to the cheaters and the betrayeds:

Would you want to grill your spouse for a day/night and just hash out all the shit, the tension, the “I’m too scared to ask / I’m to scared to answer” questions or would you rather live with trickling truth?

I’m getting to the point that I want to baby step toward forgiveness, but I still have some questions that, at this point in my “recovery” I believe important. In the scheme of things, they probably aren’t, but now they are. It’s almost a hurdle I have to jump over to get “there”.

Here’s my thinking. There have been times when J has thrown my past in my face as a deflection or just to hurt me. I know he still harbors hurt from my infidelity. Of course he does! But, he says he’s moved on. I don’t believe him. I think he has “moved on” in order for me to mirror him and not put him on the hot seat. Self-preservation tactic.

I would like to schedule a night away at a hotel, order enough rum and wine and just have at it. Get it out, off our chests, in our faces and just answer the damn questions or respond to accusations. Settle the multiple scores.

I feel it’s still a festering wound and this shit will eventually come to the surface, but not in the best or most prepared way.

What do you think? Have you done it? (Besides the midnight – 4am grillings we all have been through). What has your experience been? Either way. Thanks! xxoo

17 thoughts on “A Grilling or Trickling?

  1. Confused Wife says:

    Absolutely with you. Hash it all out in one go. The agnoy of this drawn out realisation / question forming is horrendous.
    More than anything I wish I could turn back the clock and give the old me those month of hurt and pain back.
    Each partner needs to strip away hurt, pride and ego and it needs to resolved with each one being honest and answering any question posed

  2. A few months ago we sat down and I had pages of questions, and I mean pages! We settled the kids with a movie and I basically sat there with my notebook and asked all my questions and wrote the answers down in my book. They were pretty unorganized, I’d just written the questions down as they’d come to me, but, he answered them all. It felt great to thrash it all out in one go. I still have the occasional question pop in my head but nothing I haven’t been able to let go.

    I’m a firm believer that you have to clean that gaping wound of all infection before you can even begin to start the healing process. Did I like all the answers? No! But there wasn’t a question I wished I hadn’t asked.

    I vote you ask away altho maybe hold off on the alcohol until afterwards!!

  3. Lilac80s says:

    Definitely grilling. If he wants me to forgive all of his actions then i should know all that he’s done. If he feels ashamed then tough shit, he did it so he had to owned it like a grown adult. There weren’t a lot to discuss though cause it was heavily documented in their email and phone records. But i swear to god the more he talked about my whys questions the more i hated him, and the more i realized that he’s such an idiot

    On brighter note, he was really open about it. He said that he’s relieved that there’s no secret anymore. I was very stoic during this cross examination session because i didn’t want him to “spare” me the little details to save my feelings, if i were angry or crying i knew he’d stopped and kept some stuffs hidden

  4. We hashed it all out. But I am not ckeansed, unfotunately. I seem to be a bit fucked in the head as even though he was completely open and I think honest with mr – even volunteering some information without prompting, I still regurgitate it all over and over. Even five years on. I don’t do it out loud now. But it is still “there.” And we have an alcohol rule. No affair talk or relationship talk, or talk of our past at al if there is booze consumed. Am with PW there. But in general get it all out on the table. Trickle truth sounds like Chinese water torture. I also needed details. And although it was hard he did it willingly. His call was if he didn’t I would definitely leave him with the resentment I felt one day. If he told the truth it was a 50/50 call. He was right!

  5. Absolutely. It is not negotiable. Honesty and openness. Transparency. Completely. In the spirit of love and understanding, not blame and angry revenge xxx you guys can do it!

  6. Good questions. This gives me anxiety just thinking about it. I hope you get answers that will help you heal and not cause you further pain. xoxo

  7. Just remember to question what you question…as in is it going to help you heal my knowing or hurt you? Questions answered can’t be unanswered and the knowledge stays forever.

    So just make sure you don’t ask out of hurt but healing if that makes sense?

    Rip the band-aid off 🙂

    Hugs my sweet friend

  8. I cast my vote for hashing it out. Initially there was a lot of trickle truth, and it was agony. Each new revelation threw me (and our healing process) backwards. Ultimately, I talked with him and our therapist and we decided I was going to make a list of every question I could think of to ask. We then scheduled a two hour session so I could get my answers in a “safe” environment. She stressed to him in an individual session that it was CRITICAL that he be prepared to answer me fully and truthfully. She told him we could NOT heal until everything was out in the open, and I felt safe.

    If you do it without a therapist, I would suggest mentally preparing yourself for the pain of the session. As tempting as it may be, NO alcohol (save it for later!). You need to be completely clear-headed and rational. You might consider giving him the list and letting him write out his answers. That would give you a chance to read them and ask for clarification. If you do it verbally, don’t get hung up on painful answers. Keep moving through the list. If you stop to hash something out in the moment, or react badly to an answer, you are FAR less likely to get him to open up on the subsequent questions.

  9. Both. The first 48 hours was a daze of talking and questions uninterrupted my sleep or food. The next 3 months were a steady trickle. I never let up. I wanted to know it all as soon as possible. Sorta like ripping the proverbial bandaid

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